All About Trust
It's more of a question why trust is hardly contained.
People read your lines but they won't get to the bottom of it. No matter
how they decipher it, emotions aren't concrete if you're a master of masking.
Everything in the past is about learning. We may think of better hiding it away,
shun the people who caused you pain, and just be oblivious. However, not everything in the past is easily forgotten and forgiven. Most of the time, we don't feel safe. We don't trust ourselves to take the risks of trusting anyone.
My perception about life has been very blurry for the past several years. It's like I don't feel any purpose of existence. True that some people might depend on you for a heck of a reason. Yet, usually, I am in total doubt if it's the so-called trust, that creates a connection with other people, or it's just merely because of the scary word "use", like you feel, people just hang out with you because they need something from you, and powerless as you are, you just allow them to. They make you feel like you're one of them because they're using you, for some sort of a mission they swore to do, throughout their lifetime.
I don't really know who to blame for my unreasonable excuses and alibis, for not really being fair towards other people. We do make judgements to be safe from harm, harm to the soul, quite especially. And so I asked, Is it myself or the person who took me to the point of "i-can-hardly-trust-anybody-anymore"?
Regrets and mistakes crumple me. Pains and struggles wound me. I keep myself stronger by not trusting anyone but me! It's a very hard state of life. It's a mind-boggling.
How far can I go depending on myself alone? How long will I survive? In God's time, I know answers will come. Enlightenment is not by far.