Stop. Read. Listen to my silence.
Because sometimes, we just get tired.
We need to retreat and fall into a total surrender.
Tonight I'm feeling everything..
Like a wave of rolling thunders.
I wanted to write and deprive myself of one of the most basic human functions...talk.
Sometimes people just needed to stop. Stop from whatever they're doing and shut up. Lay still and hear the beautiful sound of words not slipping out of a mouth. The words that we normally hear the moment we let ourselves get into a trance. To that very moment before we go to sleep.
Isn't it rewarding? Not having to speak but feeling everything.
All the hatred and sadness. Pain and frustrations. Failed attempts and inevitable rejections. And then, there it is. The moment we always hope would come. The moment when you actually give up and raise both of your hands. Enough is enough for a heart that fought hard. But enough will never be enough to a heart full of hesitations and guilt. It strikes you ten times. Even twenty times. Like the first love you felt that was doomed to fail. Haven't we grown tired? I thought that if people grow old, they grow tired. And eventually retire wiser. But like most words, they could be wrong. Or worse, they could be considered cold words. Utilised but not realised.
I wanted everything to hang on. For things to stay where they are. And not leave like dust. I want permanence. We want assurance. Admit it or not, more than once in our lives have we all wished that life was easier. That friends don't come and go. That we don't have to work this hard to compensate inferiorities. Somehow we have to get tired. People need to feel suspended and forced to shut down. For once. And breathe in what we have been doing all our lives.
Are we worth the people we lost? All along we've been trying to build our lives. And all along we've also, in a way or another, crushed someone else's life. It's a battle. You win, they lose. They win, you lose. It's time to fight for what's real and haunting. Fight for yourself and in the end, gain more of yourself. Somewhere in the course of life, we give away part of ourselves. And most of the time, we lose that part forever. It's never a battle of winners. It has always been a battle of who believes the most. Who believes that winning meant victory. And that sometimes, losing meant supreme peace.
We need to stop even just for once.
We need to do what we want...
And for the longest time, I was able to write. I lay still and awake..and I'm alive. I'm giving up. But I'm doing what I want. I'm just grateful for the fact that i've lived to see how things come and go. I cry. Cried even harder for the things I knew from the beginning would never last. I never died of losing great things. And never will I.
I'm surrendering and I'm giving in to loneliness. I won't talk, but I'll write. I'll write until these words come out as nothing but worn out callusses of my burnt spirit.
And for the longest time..I will feel relieved. I won't talk..and I'll continue writing. Until I get tired. And eventually fall into the depths of silence.