The Subject of Desire Chapter 24
By Paula Andrea Pyle MA, 28th Mar 2011 | Follow this author
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Posted in WikinutWritingShort Stories
Background
We all start out on our unique destinies once we have been birthed. Our paths twist and turn, offering many varied selections from the table of desire. Charlie Braxton McRoy...
Chapter 24: What We Can't See Sustains Us
"HEY! Champ," he heard the voice of his impostor daddy calling.
Charlie spun around in the direction of another cage across the room. "I've been waiting on you to get back. Where have you been so long?" Charlie ran to the cage. It was the man who had spent the night with him on his first night home.
"Hi! Daddy, you just won't believe it," Charlie went along with the idea that he was his father, when in fact, he knew quite differently. Or did he? Could it possibly be, that in each of the people that Charlie knew, so well, or thought he knew, there existed an impostor side of that person? (An exact replica that lies just beneath the surface). In other words, behind the familiar face of his father, could there be an unreachable fraudulent side, subsisting simultaneously, which would always remain unknown, unapproachable and undisclosed; no matter how close the relationship of them seemed to be?
"I've been on a crazy journey, Daddy. I don't know where I went, how I got there or how I got here. But, I do know, I've been somewhere that doesn't exist where we live, or, at least, the way we think we live."
"Son, nothing's left out where we live or in how we think, we live. It's all there, too. It's just that each person lives inside his own little world."
"But, Daddy the worlds I've experienced are bizarre. Talking twelve inch clowns, who are real galactic scientists, three foot nicotine addicted cowboy, and an insect sized mall building carpenter, that's only the beginning."
"The beginning and the end are all tied up in one big old circle, son. What you've seen is just as real as you and me, just the backside of it. As far as your journey, Champ, we're all on a personal journey through this old world. I told you my back story, son. I'm a poker playing fool. I'll always be one. It don't matter at all, I don't play poker, no more. MY world's directly linked to the poker table. Every lesson I've ever learned has been because I play each hand as if I'm in a Texas Hold'em Tournament. Sometimes, I'll bluff my way through things, sometimes I'll stand, and sometimes I'll even raise the odds; on some rare occasions, I know when I need to fold."
"But, daddy you've never seemed like a poker guy to me." Charlie pushed.
"What exactly does a poker men look like?"
"Probably wears fancy suits, shined up shoes and wears a gold necklace, bracelet and a diamond watch." In actuality, Charlie had never really thought about what someone who plays poker for a living looks like.
"They're just ideas you've made up in your head. Don't have nothing to do with poker playing." The man continued his speech.
"One thing for certain, Champ, I'm in for the duration. I'll do whatever it takes to stay in, but I won't cheat. No matter what I'm up against. That takes all the fun out of it. You win some; you lose some. Yep, life's a huge poker game. It's not personal, can't take it serious. Remember: a new hand's being dealt every minute."
"But, I don't understand any of this, daddy. What did it all mean? What about your red and white 57 Chevrolet Bel Air? Will you ever get it?"
"Probably not, Son, 'cause the truth is I never really wanted it in the first place. I just needed something to desire, that's all. It was started in me before I was born. As part of my path, I had to have it. We have to keep us grabbing at something, don't we? If I ever did get it, then what? I'd just have to create another desire. You'll have a lot of desires in this here, life. Some will stay, others will pass. Just don't put no dependence in them. Enjoy 'em as they come; let 'em go when they leave. "
Charlie listened but from where he just came from and where he was standing, all of it seemed pointless and more than stupid.
"You mean we just keep going around and round and around for nothing? We just kind of like make the whole thing up, is that what you are saying?"
"Nothing or something, what's the difference? You're still going to end up going in the same direction you're headed. Call it making it up if you want to, that doesn't change things, one bit."
"But, daddy I still can't begin to understand the reasons why I've been through what I've been through."
"What do you need reasons for? You tell me, how would they have helped you or hurt you on your journey? You still would have experienced the same ride."
"I can't accept it. It's got to be more. I need to know why things happened like they did. Didn't any of it matter?"
"Did it matter to you?"
"Of course it did; enough to want to get back home."
"IF it mattered to you, then, it mattered all it could. No more. No less."
Charlie was probably more lost now then he had been while on his ludicrous journey. His impostor father kept right on talking.
"You wanted to burn the road up, just like me. And, because you felt the passion so forcefully, you experienced the real power behind the desire. People don't realize that when they go after something. They think you just get the front side without the other end. It doesn't happen that way."
Charlie remembered what Maybe-so had told me about everything having a tail.
"There's a magic force behind passion. It usually don't reveal itself to just anybody. Count yourself very lucky, champ. You went on a far out trip, with the highest stakes on the table! In fact, I'd wager you walked away with the whole pot."
"I won? What did I win?"
Charlie's father ignored his question.
"Now, don't get me wrong, Champ, there's not a better car on the road today. Ain't nothing can touch that smooth sleek doll-baby of a hot rod car!"
Charlie wondered how he had missed part of his father's conversation.
"You might say, everybody's living two lives but they just don't know it. One we can easily see and the other hidden. But, the hidden one is the real deal. That's why it seems things don't make sense most of the time. Anyway, my mind said one thing but the blind power behind my obvious desire produced a truck. In poker, they call that the 'river card'. I guess I had a lot more in life to haul than I thought. Whatever you end up with is THE only thing you ever really wanted in the first place. You always get what you truly want, Son. Always."
"The Red and White Sandblaster," Charlie screeched aloud, "the car you wanted is my Red and White Sandblaster. So, I never did really want it, either. I just thought I did. I needed to own it in order to feel good about myself. I wanted to be respected and envied since I would have been the only guy in town who had one. I wanted what I thought it would bring to my life. I was wrong, so wrong. I don't need it anymore; I really don't want it. How about that? That is the craziest thing. The genuine Red and White Sandblaster don't matter to me anymore! I never would have believed this in a million years!"
"Charlie! Charlie!"
Charlie heard the sound of his mother's sweet voice calling. He looked to see which cage she might be occupying. He ran to the silver one encasing her.
"MAMA! I've missed you real bad. I'm so glad to see you."
"Hi! Darling. I've missed you, too. We've been worried sick about you. Are you ready to come home, now?"
Her appealing beauty comforted Charlie. Nothing about her was DIFFERENT. He wondered why?
She read his mind; then, courteously responded. "Because I am your mother, Son. A mother's love is unconditionally constant, never ending, never changing and never ever, soulfully comprehended. No matter how you see me, I am beyond the idea you possess. Whether you work, play, talk, dream, eat, sing or sleep: a mother is first and foremost a mother, deliberately detached in order to love you without measure or constraint. You have a perception of me but it in no way touches the hidden reality of who I am and what I mean in your life. You relate to me on the level from where you are living and experiencing life. I am constant and unmoved. I remain before, after, during and in between therefore I can't interfere with your path. Whether you blame me or praise me has no bearing on my position. If you see me as contributing or deterring matters not, it is your needed perception for the experience of me. Everything comes second to that. You have the particular mother you have in your life for a very specific reason. Everything in your life revolves, reconnects and resolves through your mother which is me. Let's go home, Charlie."
Oh! How he wanted to go home. "O.K. Mama, how do we get there?"
"You start where you're at, Charlie. You start where you're at. Stop searching honey and you will naturally return home. It's the verifiable source to all that you are. That's all you ever had or will have to do."
"But, Mama," Charlie broke in, "I wasn't searching for anything when I ended up here."
"Yes, you were, darling. You were searching for outside happiness. First of all, happiness is a fleeting moment, and second of all, nothing from the outside can ever bring you peace." His mother extended her right hand through the cage to touch his brow.
"I birthed you, honey but then you must re-birth yourself. Everyone does."
"Mama, how do you know everything that has happened to me without my telling you?" Charlie asked quite emotionally.
"I know of your struggle, Son. I know of your despair. Every joy, celebration, fear and tribulation, I have walked and continue to walk with you. You are never alone even if I don't seem to be physically present. "
"But, the crazy journey Mama. The journey was unbelievable. Do you really know everything that happened to me? Was it real? Was any of it real? Where are we now, Mama? Why are you all in cages?" Charlie sobbed as he spoke.
"Honey, whatever you are experiencing at the moment is real; whether you think it's in the mind or in the world. There is no difference. As long as we are in mortal bodies, we are in cages, Son. We have limitations, difficulties, joys, fears, obstacles, heartbreaks, and constant disappointments. As far as where we are now, Charlie, we are exactly where we've always been: on an INCREDIBLE MAGICAL MUSICAL JOURNEY HOME." She smiled angelically.
"But, where is home, Mama? Please tell me how to get back home." Charlie wept, pleading for solidified understanding and malleable assurance.
"You are always home. It's not a place or form; it's sublime unadulterated desire. The motivating factor behind all of our desire is the genuine impetus of our lives. It's not something you can see. It can only be felt and experienced beyond words. Desire constitutes stillness and peace no matter where we are or what we are doing. Acceptance of all that is, exactly as it is, without question, darling; that's the true meaning of home." Affectionately, she softly stroked the top of his head.
He closed his eyes soaking in her soothing words. When he opened his eyes, the castle and the cages were gone. To his utter amazement, he was standing directly in front of the schoolhouse. Had he been in or out? He didn't know. Was it time to go to school or time to go home? He didn't know that, either. He looked at his body, nothing was out of order. On his back was the number 44 black and yellow football jersey, his high topped tennis shoes were laced tight on his feet and his favorite faded blue jeans covered the lower part of his body.
Fred the Head hollered, "Hey! Charlie, look at this fabulous BRACELET I just found!"
Charlie didn't look. He didn't have to. Although he couldn't possibly know the reasons why he had been allowed to experience the majestic journey, he had encountered, he did realize that completely inhabiting the 'HERE' of 'NOW" was all that really mattered. Whatever was to come he could and would meet head-on. The delegated purpose would unfold itself as he lived each of those days consciously aware and honorably grateful to be alive. The great work was HIM; the true subject of his life, the true predicate was living the life offered each moment. His philosophical thoughts were abruptly broken.
"Charlie, have you seen the new girl, yet?" John Howard yelled as he whizzed by on his yellow banana bicycle.
"New girl? What's her name?"
"Melizza Pageant, I think."
"Yes, I believe I did." Charlie smiled accordingly. "We get subtle hints along the way. It's all part of our education." He congratulated himself.
He knew there would be many others who would show up as part of his existence, but he would have absolutely no control as to how long they would stay or when they would leave. That script was being written from a much higher invisible force, from behind the scenes, which determined his particular reality. He had learned to enjoy life, passionately. Not to cling to any one thing, and to recognize the various parts of himself in all the faces of others, as well as the inanimate objects, on his path. The BRACELET he had found was a binding contract of his undying love and duty to be the very best realized person he could be, forever.
Fred the Head gleamed with a new found ignorant pride.
"I've got something you don't have. Ha ha ha ha ha ha." He sang out in laughing mockery.
"Go with it, Fred."
Because of that mysterious BRACELET, Charlie Braxton McRoy had been privileged to view part of his many faces, personalities, and interests. Talented, profound, complex, imaginative, and simple variations constructed his unique being. He needed nothing more than himself. He didn't know how, when, or where it all truly began, or how it would all end.
"It doesn't matter. It's all the same." Charlie whispered.
Charlie knew one thing for certain: THIS particular phase of the journey was over for him.
"Bring it on! What's the next panoramic scene in Battlefield, Kentucky for me? I'm ready, willing and able." Charlie hid the secret words in his heart while he watched his awkward unaware friend glare at his new found treasure before taking off down Buckle Lane. There would be no interference from Charlie: he knew perfectly well, it was Fred's turn to discover the meaning of getting HOME as the true Subject of Desire.
THE END
Chapter 23
Chapter 1
Comments
29th Mar 2011 (#)
awaited another story. thanks
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29th Mar 2011 (#)
Thanks very much for this share
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29th Mar 2011 (#)
Love this series, thanks so much for sharing.
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30th Mar 2011 (#)
This wasn't only Charlie's journey, but our own individual one as well, Paula... I would never have guessed how cleverly you would wrap up so many deep spiritual values within a fictional story of a boy and a fantasy adventure. You are a truly gifted writer, my friend, with great spiritual insight.... This story will stay with me long after I have logged off...that is the greatest compliment I can pay you... Bless you Paula... Songbird ...x
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1st Apr 2011 (#)
Songbird,
I have enjoyed you traveling along with Charlie Braxton McRoy the entire time. I feel I know you (because of the story) in such a meaningful way. It matters to me to make connections, I send you a ton and a half of continual infectious adoration. Always in my heart...
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