Why She Left
By Steve Kinsman, 4th Feb 2012 | Follow this author
| RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/176mvynb/
Posted in WikinutWritingTrue Stories
It is difficult to acknowledge my own responsibility for my wife leaving me, but it is the first thing I muist do.
Why Carol left me
Lest anyone question Carol's motivation for leaving me, I want to assert at the outset that she not only had every right, it was also necessary for her psychological health and well-being that she do so.
It is difficult to sit here and refrain from rationalizing and justifying her action from my own defensive perspective. For twenty-five years now, I have repeatedly lied to her, withheld information from her, and made excuses for my reprehensible actions as a husband and a father. I know where the pattern developed. It stems from my childhood and having a father who told me a thousand times that I would never amount to anything, and from a mother who had an agenda for me but who could never see that her agenda was not mine. Be that as it may, that is no excuse for years of brutish behavior on my part toward Carol. Long ago I could have acknowledged what my parents did to me, hated them for it, and then I could have finally forgiven them and moved on with my life. Isn't that what others do, others who are much more damaged by their parents than I ever was. Carol did that. Her mother committed suicide when Carol was seventeen, and she almost took Carol with her. Carol's father was as mean as a snake. The stories of his cruelty toward her are endless. One which makes the point: Carol reared and took care of a steer when she was thirteen, and her father, unknown to Carol, had it slaughtered, then he served Carol the meat and told her after she ate it that she had just eaten Sam. So I had an idyllic childhood compared to her, but she went after her own healing and accomplished the miracle of it, while I stayed stuck in my self-loathing and self-pity.
Now, after my complete and utter non-attention to my problems, she has left, because she is faced with only that choice. I may yet heal by dredging up my dark side, facing it and acknowledging it. I may yet transform, but she's not counting on it. I've talked the talk before and I've never taken a single step to walk the walk. I sit here, telling myself I do these things because I detest myself, and I know to my bones that that is simply a weak and silly excuse. I need help, because I can't do it alone, and of course I tell myself all the time that I don't know where to start.
I don't know from Adam how to bring this article to a conclusion. I want to say I am heartened by the unflagging love and support of my many wikinut friends. You are all the very salt of the earth.
Comments
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Dear Steve, first of all you show a lot of courage in writing about this crisis in your life. If you have the courage to do that, then you have the courage to take the steps to move on. So many of us are enablers, we build our own self-esteem on the perceived short comings of a partner. I am one of them. Don't sell yourself short, Steve. You know you are strong and you can and will pick yourself up. I am 100% with you. Love, Ivyevelyn.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you so much Ivyevelyn.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
I am very sorry this is happening to you, especially after 25 years together. I agree with Ivyevelyn it took great courage to write this and anyone who can do that can move forward and start to heal, and just remember it is never too late to make a change.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you so very much, stephaniemorris26.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Your brutal honesty is impressive, and humbling. It lets us feel your pain from a more real angle.
Of course we do not have cattle but 2 of my step daughters school friends experienced the same thing as your wife in regards to raising animals. For some reason the parents feel a need to teach their kids about the realities of life this way.
I wish you peace at this time Steve.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you so very much Mark.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
You are as always very special to me as a person, Carol a gracious lady whom I have come to love and respect through you. Sometimes a short separation brings a new perspective on matters, we start to see that disagreement and arguments can only always take place between persons, plural. You loved and still love her, this is clear. twenty five years of love cannot ever be swept away by a single act of indiscretion that is exactly why God gave us all the capacity to forgive one another. I have been with my wife Daleen for 37 years and this was entirely due to several factors one of which is a deep rooted sense of forgiveness. You both have those qualities and it shows clearly in your writings. If you think back over the past few months, there have been external factors that have exacerbated the issue at hand. I can recall as an outsider, just two aspects that you have shared with us on wikinut, your deep compassion and concern for other downtrodden members of society at large, with whom you so strongly identify with and not forgetting your loss of a beloved pet. All of which we carry around with us, bottled up inside up to that final point where it all comes spilling out, usually the wrong way and at a bad time. Remember, always that when you walk in the light as you and Carol both do, the source of darkness is panting at your heels ready to pounce. Lastly, hasten to your good lady, taking with you the essence of love for you both, embodied withing the hearts of all of of us wikinut writers..
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you so muich Andre, but I must say it was fart more than a siongle act of discretion. Bless you.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Steve, my heart aches for the both of you. I will be a liar if I tell you, I am not in utter shock right now. It takes courage to put your pain on paper and you did, speaks volumes to the character of the man you are. We have a contact button, contact me. We will talk more than. I will give you my email address then. You are in my thoughts and prayers, as is Carol.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you so much Denise.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
I am very sorry to hear what has happened to the two of you and my best wishes are with the two of you as you heal for this break up.
She has been through hell and perhaps it would be good time for you to go and comfort her and see if you would be able to salvage the relationship. I am sure there is love and there must me something else like depression and insecurity based on what she has gone through.
The fact remains a woman never ever tells of her pain till she is given a kind and patient ear that would help them open up to you and tell you what exactly went wrong. All she needs is love, patience and understanding, you can win her back only if you want to. But if it is getting detrimental to your health, the best thing to do is to let go. I won't say move on but you do after that is entirely your choice.
I no longer write for any of the writing sites, I have my own website that is coming through on the 6th of February with all my works out there.
www.anishaachan.com --- the design is interim while I get a better one happening behind the scenes.
Take Care Steve, you have to be strong and look up to God in prayer, they will guide you... I have been there and am still recovering from it....
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you so much Lady Aiyanna.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Just be a friend and slowly win her back, only if you want it to be that way...
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
I was so shocked when I read this my friend, because I knew how close you and Carol were, and this has left me reeling, but oh how brave and humble of you to be so open and honest Steve, many would not have the courage to say what you have said here, and for whatever faults might have been, I really hope that by openly acknowledging that you need help dealing with past issues that have blighted your relationship, I truly hope with all my heart that you and Carol can find a way back from this.. You have my email address my friend, please don't hesitate to contact me if you feel that you would like to.. You have generated so much love on this site through your work, that you will find so much support here to help get you through this hardest of times. I am thinking of you Steve..Please try to stay strong..we are holding you close to our hearts.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you so much Sopngbird. You are a jewel.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Steve, we are your Wikinut family, but in truth we can not truly know your life...but this I do know, a man who cares as deeply as you that we do not blame anyone but you is a good man deep in his heart and loves his family...I send a hug to both you and Carol-all your family really, may you all find true happiness either together or separately, gosh I am not trying to give advice you have written so elegantly and bravely what you need to
work through...I wish both of you the very best...writing is a wonderful tool to get through the most difficult of times....that is why I write- it helped me break down the walls of grief and start living again...I will be reading Steve and hoping that you keep writing always....
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you so much Delicia.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Steve, don't think as if it was all over between you and Carol because it isn't. Carol is a sweet friend. I remember her messaging me when there was a disagreement between me and other friends on Writer friends group and she was the first to mediate.
I think, my friend, if there's a move to be done, it has to start with you to take her back, for it isn't over yet. I sincerely hope and pray that something miraculous will bring you two both together on Valentine's Day!
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you Buzz. That's really sweet of you.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Steve, thank you for being so open with us, it must have taken some courage. There's no quick answers :-) and \i won't insult you by offering platitudes :-) so just know this, we love you, we all have a dark side, and if you truly desire change their are multiple outlets available to you. And we are all here to listen.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you so much Melissa. I so very highluy value your tremendous support.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Well Steve, I concur with all the comments above from our wikinut friends. You must have had some serious thoughts about what exactly to write down and tell us when you found yourself in this situation. I am not sure that I would know what to say myself if the same thing happened to me and I must admit I am a little lost with words here. You are indeed very courageous to tell us all. As you can see from the comments, your friends, and I include myself as one of these, all want the best outcome for you and Carol whatever that may be.....take care both..
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you so much richardpeeej. I appreciate that.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
I am sorry. Don't lose hope, Steve. I will pray for you and Carol.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you Zach3000.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Good morning, Steve: It's 8:41 a.m. here. Another day. I will be thinking and praying for you. Love, Ivyevelyn.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Love to you too Ivyevelyn. Thank you.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
What honesty and shows you have high regard for your dear Carol. When we are ready to admit our mistakes we have made the start. Then we need to do that little more to show our sincerity. I pray for you both during this testing time, Steve - siva.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you siva. I really appreciate that.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Oh Steve--your awesome openness with this is a gift for all who read it. I, too, concur with all the above...and I bet Carol will as well, if she reads this.I hope she does. You make it clear that you feel Carol took a necessary step for her own evolution (to not accept a patterned role of victimization). It took strength for her to do that--and I believe the same strength may lead her to forgive you, and perhaps accept you back. The facts of your not blaming her, your compassion for her, your willingness and courage to examine your dark side and openly share this process with your wikinut family...these are all a big plus. Compassion for yourself is equally important! I pray for both of you...
I 'ditto' all of the above comments, but especially this one from Songbird:
You have my email address my friend, please don't hesitate to contact me if you feel that you would like to.. You have generated so much love on this site through your work, that you will find so much support here to help get you through this hardest of times. I am thinking of you Steve..Please try to stay strong..we are holding you close to our hearts.
Love and healing hugs,
rd
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you so very much rama devi. Bless you.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
There is nothing left for me to add here, Steve, because everyone else has already said everything that there is to be said. I cannot even begin to compare what happened between you and Carol to what happened between Eileen and myself because we are four different people but the one thing that is always a common factor is that no breakup is always one-sided--both parties always have a degree of blame in the breakup even if one of the two carries the majority of the blame.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Except, Jerry, each one of the two will think that the other one carries the majority of the blame.
I always look for what you have to say, Jerry. I appreciate your candidness. (Yes, there is such a word, although a "clumsy" word).
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you Jerry. I very much appreciate your comment.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Dude Steve, you surprised me. I remember almost two week ago, Ms. Carol left a message at Facebook to inspire you and for your immediate recovery 'cause at that time you're hospitalized.
I will just pray dude Steve to have peace both of you...
You're too tough to tell it here. I salute you...God bless.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thankl you ppruel. I appreciate that.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thankl you ppruel. I appreciate that.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
I've only come to know you a short time Steve, but you've always been there, often commenting first since I started submitting regularly here. I don't feel I can add anything to the above, other than express the sadness i felt on reading your poem. Kia kaha, which means stay strong here in NZ
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
I've only come to know you a short time Steve, but you've always been there, often commenting first since I started submitting regularly here. I don't feel I can add anything to the above, other than express the sadness i felt on reading your poem. Kia kaha, which means stay strong here in NZ
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you so muich for that valued comment, Val. Bless you.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Steve - I am so sorry. I didn't know until now. I always thought that you two made a great couple - opposites attract (looking at your very different styles of writing). It was so brave of you to write this article and say that you were the one in the wrong. Maybe she'll forgive you after reading this piece. My comiserations, dear Steve.
Reply to this comment
4th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you dear Sheila. I really value your support.
Reply to this comment
5th Feb 2012 (#)
Steve, you have boldly confessed. Millions out there don't have the courage to do so or probably are too proud to expose their weaknesses and guilt to the world. Steve, what if both you and your wife simply just died? Would those problems still exist then for either of you? Of course not. The good news is that both of you have indeed died and have been raised back to life as totally new creatures. Your old lives have been obliterated (done away with) and you were born again to live a new life. "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." (2Cor 5:17)
Believe me, there is no other way. No amount of commiseration/empathy by me or others will resolve anything. Please read "Has the devil got you poised to strike at your spouse?" http://nut.bz/1fjse611/ and "When nothing matters anymore" http://nut.bz/1dcefwbc/
Reply to this comment
7th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you Jack. I appreciate that advice.
Reply to this comment
6th Feb 2012 (#)
i already read this confession, the poems and Buzz and Rath's pages...
i understand how it feels. 25 years of being together is an accomplishment, not just for the love but for you as individuals who both leaned from each other...
good luck to your new lives...
God bless your individual pursuits
-jules
Reply to this comment
6th Feb 2012 (#)
i mean "learned from each other"
Reply to this comment
7th Feb 2012 (#)
Dear friend Steve,
My heart aches, and I can imagine how you feel at this time after spending a good life for 25years of intimacy with Carol.
I pray for both of you.
It's quite clear from Carol's words on Buzz's page, and I'm sure it's inevitable to both of you to fall in love again with each other.
Blessings.
Reply to this comment
8th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you so much, rathnashikamani. I so very much value your concern and support.
Reply to this comment
7th Feb 2012 (#)
An excellent emotional write up Steve. I am with you.
Reply to this comment
7th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you Madan.
Reply to this comment
7th Feb 2012 (#)
Oh how I wish you could really see. It's all about choices..
Reply to this comment
7th Feb 2012 (#)
I'm trying.
Reply to this comment
10th Feb 2012 (#)
so sorry Steve for what has happened don't hate yourself ( big coming from me) I have done stupid and silly things too. maybe a break will pull you both together and you can fall back in love again. Dont be too harsh on yourself. to talk the talk is easier to walk the walk. The past always affects our future no matter how hard we try not to let it. hope things will work out for you both.
Reply to this comment
11th Feb 2012 (#)
Thank you so much for your support krrymarie. I really value it.
Reply to this comment
24th Feb 2012 (#)
this one i missed being away from this site for a while... my heart goes to you Steve... by the way you wrote this article seems like what has happened has it's own reason.. be strong and don't let the past control you, you are the version of the better you now....
Reply to this comment