...So Here's the Thing, God...

Lisa Partee By Lisa Partee, 9th May 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Personal Experiences

I firmly believe that cornerstone of my Recovery is the relationship I formed with the "God of my understanding." For so many years, I "spoke" death, dysfunction, fear, depression, failure, broken-ness...into existence. This is just one of the many "talks" I have with myself/God now!

...So Here's the Thing, God...

….I been thinking…I want a brand new life and I don’t want it to look like anything I have lived up until this point. Now having said that, let me digress for a moment-

Up until this point, my life has been, um…interesting. And that’s a good thing-I am choosing not to complain. I have grown just enough to finally understand that while not everything I have lived through (or survived) was Your perfect will, but it was well within Your permissive will. I get that. And there was a time that I thought I could have learned many of my same lessons in a really good book or some other sanitized environment-but I didn’t. The lessons that I hold closest to my heart are the one’s that were hard won in some really nasty, ugly, epic battles. There are inner-standings I now have that I just can’t un-know–even if I wanted to!

Like-I can’t “un-know” addiction. I don’t want to. I am grateful to finally understand the demon that ravaged my life and the lives of those closest to me for many years. And as a result, I have a few new tools, Lord, to help me keep it at bay. Thank you! And I want to thank you for allowing me to finally divest myself of the bondage of the religion I was taught as a child. I am so blessed to have been able to come to You and fall in love in a way that, I believe, is the most beautiful love story ever written. Now, it still hurts that I can say that I know what my baby sounds like when she cries in her sleep; afraid that mommy may leave her again. But, one: Now that I have experienced that ache that is so primal and so violent, I can now go forward and love my children single-mindedly and without distraction. And, two: I understand why it is so important to have a relationship with a God of my understanding that I can bring all the bad, bad things to now as I learn to deal with the feelings and the pain as I grow and heal through them. Got it!

I have even learned a few self-defense moves. Most days I am pretty good at taking down Guilt and Shame with either a withering look or a kick and a karate chop, if I have to. And an unexpected gift is those same two moves work really well in fending off relationships that are unhealthy for me too. I think that’s called transference of ideas…not being a smarty pants…I’m just saying.

So God, I won’t bore You with the things we both know are in the past. Every day I am learning to leave them right there–in the past. I guess every day is a lesson in learning how to extract the “nectar from the fruit and the honey from the comb…”

But back to this new life…it is true, I do not have a map to the new life I am asking for. I don’t even know what it looks like right now. I only know that I have a rumbling in my belly…I have something that is welling and swelling and coming together inside of me. Many days I feel as though I am only “seeing through a glass darkly” and I really can only sense the shadows and images that are trying to come together tightly in my soul. I know that I only have 957 days between me and the darkness but Lord, with Your help, I have accomplished some things and I feel as though all of that was only preparing me for this next leg of the journey.

So, here’s the thing, God…I come today, standing boldly before a million universes that are merely the handiwork of Your greatness. I come with open hands…I am only asking as I prepare to fling myself unflinchingly and unabashedly into the Current of Life…that I continue to find You. I believe that I am going to write and return to school but other than that, I do not know what my new life is going to look like. I suspect that if I try too hard to script it, I will only succeed in short-changing myself. I am excited as I watch the entire universe conspire to provide validation and confirmation and transmutation and revelation and subjugation then some motivation and even elimination…every single thing that I may need to travel on. It’s crazy! I can so clearly see how every stepping stone was perfectly cut to fit the next and the next until I got to right here! It all mattered! (deep breath…)

I come with open hands… .

Lisa

Tags

Addiction, Believe, God, Journey, Open Hands, Prayer, Recovery, Universe, Women

Meet the author

author avatar Lisa Partee
My name is Lisa and when I wake up in the morning, I think about writing...everything I look at throughout the day tells me a story...and before I go to sleep at night, I thank
God for this "gift".

Share this page

moderator johnnydod moderated this page.
If you have any complaints about this content, please let us know

Comments

Add a comment
Username
Can't login?
Password