Addiction

Utah JayStarred Page By Utah Jay, 5th Sep 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/3vdsi_ji/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Poetry

I am an addict in recovery 10 years, but no matter how long I go without using, I am still an addict, for the disease is un-curable.

Addiction

Addiction

There was a time
Deep in the long ago
When I could love
With the purity of a child,
But I remember
That I always felt undeserving
Of the love returned.
Those were the days
When love was the prey
And I, the stealthful hunter
Always stalking, always stalking,
Like the bottle had always stalked me
In the rusty days before pills
And coke, and chiva*
Made the pain go away.

The Pain

It was like trying to live without air.
No, no,
It was something more than that.
It wasn’t so brief as that,
As just turning pale blue and dying,
It was lifelong and drug-out;
I was the moth
And addiction the flame
And like the lowly moth
I had no choice,
But to fly into the flame

Desperation

It has been surmised by someone, somewhere
That perfection hampers success,
That desperation is the art of paralysis
And that addiction exists
Simply to make the pain go away.
Now I spend all my time
Teaching the dying inside me
To coexist with me again.
Observe the dread here,
As I am hunched over my computer
Clicking the keys as fast as I can,
Like some kind of street junkie,
And my high? My salvation?
The little words that appear
On the silver screen in front of me.

Alive

I think loneliness is not so much
A function of solitude
As solitude is a product of loneliness,
But it comes slowly, and quiet at first,
Like the sound of steam rising
Above the rim of my coffee cup...You
Have to listen.
It’s a waiting game you see,
The destruction of self,
But it was the very sound
Of destruction
That made me feel
Alive inside.

uTAH jAY

*chiva = Slang for heroin
All photos by uTAH jAY

Tags

Addiction, Recovering Addict, Recovery, Recovery Changes, Recovery From Addiction, Recovery From Heroin Addiction

Meet the author

author avatar Utah Jay
I have been writing since the beginning of time it seems, not because I want to write, but because I have too. My favorite form of writing is poetry, all kinds and types of poetry.

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Comments

author avatar spirited
5th Sep 2014 (#)

very descriptively worded Utah Jay.

Is I better to be the hunter or the hunted?

Your words are haunting. At least you appear to not be running away, as the hunter still, you perhaps always have a chance to stay on love's tail, on truth's trail.

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author avatar HacBao
5th Sep 2014 (#)

Congratulations, you have been able to successfully detox, it is a tough job

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author avatar Mariah
5th Sep 2014 (#)

I'm truly moved by your poetry, expressed with such deep and soul bearing emotion that I can almost touch your pain.
I don't know if you are aware that we have an addiction expert here on wikinut, her mane is Marilyn Davis, if not, please look in on her posts I'm sure you will find support and guidance there.
Keep up the fight, you'll get there.

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author avatar Utah Jay
5th Sep 2014 (#)

You are right spirited, I quit running. I ran for 47 years. I have only ten years in recovery, only ten adult years away from the flame...Everything is new now.

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author avatar Utah Jay
5th Sep 2014 (#)

HacBao thank you for your kind words.

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author avatar Utah Jay
5th Sep 2014 (#)

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts, but I am in treatment now. I have been for ten years now. Group at 5 A.M. Thursdays (no exceptions) and I meet with my "shrink" at the clinic every other Monday.

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author avatar Mariah
5th Sep 2014 (#)

Good luck..I wish you good health and peace of mind.

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author avatar Utah Jay
5th Sep 2014 (#)

I know I haven't been here in a while as I am working on my book on another site, but I have missed and thought about all you twikinuts very much.

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author avatar Utah Jay
5th Sep 2014 (#)

Thank you Mariah

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author avatar cnwriter..carolina
5th Sep 2014 (#)

Well I love solitude where I can be with myself and explore the magic that goes inside...turn to the loving dear Utah it is always there for you and where you look energy follows...so focus on all the good things...

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author avatar Utah Jay
6th Sep 2014 (#)

Thank you corolina, I focus on God and family now and of course writing and my art.

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author avatar Randhir Bechoo
7th Sep 2014 (#)

Well written.All your poems are great.Thanks for the shae.

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