And From The Shadows She Emerged

EmpressStarred Page By Empress, 26th Feb 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Sexuality & Gender

My journey through vanilla and D/s has led me down some painful paths thus far. I've learned many lessons along the way and have finally settled and accepted that I always have been and always will be a natural submissive. But this past year has been hard....lost to the shadows. I've found the sun

Writing Again

After a long hiatus, and what feels like an eternity living with a broken soul I have finally found my way back to better moments. For those of you that follow my writing you know that I have been extremely open about being a submissive. I have been verbally expressive in my need to be submissive and to be myself. And I've been happy at the outpouring of support towards me irregardless of what anyone personally believes. That is by far such an amazing coup. But, all was not well in my world. So many circumstances, a good portion outside of my control, seemed to swirl around my personal existence and tear the foundation of me right from the earth. I was tossed around and thrown to the ground in the winds of fate and left a battered and broken soul with no point of reference, or sense of direction. I felt nearly dead inside. As a shadow that walked amongst the living. Ever dreaming of feeling the warmth of the sun upon my shoulders, but never able to escape the clammy, icy, dark grasp of my own destruction.

Broken

My Master died in horrific and heartbreaking circumstances. To anyone, the death of a loved one is hard to cope with. But to someone who is submissive, true submissive, this loss penetrates the very fiber of your being. It leaves you so lost and inconsolable that you find yourself trapped within a maze of darkness. You have no purpose left, nothing to hold on to. And I can imagine that for some subs, the loss of their Dom would be so tragic that they may harm themselves in far worse ways than I. I felt shattered yes, this is true. But I have a family to take care of, and so, I was pushed by my inner strength to continue moving forward on my own. There were some not so good qualities to the Master that I had loved so deeply. Qualities that even as a sub were considered abusive, and so I took this time to re-evaluate my life. Decided that for the sake of my mental health, it may be better to walk away from what I truly am. To live a life, more "normal", more vanilla. Yes, with an unclear head, and a broken soul I decided to venture back into the recesses of my own hell, the vanilla life. And in doing this I had hoped that I perhaps, would not get hurt again.

Lifestyle Change

I wish I didn't need to put down the vanilla lifestyle the way I do. I'm not one to judge anyone, or any lifestyle, and so saying harsh things about this really bothers me. So before I go any further I want to state a few facts, a few things about vanilla.
I'm sure it is a lovely way to live for those that embrace it. I believe that those who love it, love it because it's what they want and need in their lives. Vanilla, as any other lifestyle, is a personal choice, and so, I will not attack anyone's personal choices. I'm merely attacking the vanilla lifestyle that I have lived, not anyone else's. So I urge all of you, to understand that if you are in fact vanilla, I feel no ill will towards your lifestyle or your choices. In fact, I support you one hundred percent. Because that is the type of person that I am.
Now back to this vanilla life of my own. As all of you know, I spent ten years at the hands of a maniacal, egotistical, self-glorifying, self-righteous, poor excuse for a man, douchebag. Sorry, this had to be said. I'm an honest person, and I'm not going to talk about him like he wasn't that bad. He beat me, he destroyed my self worth and my self confidence, he raped me, he cheated one me. He had no other reason to do these things but because of his own childish rage issues. This was my vanilla life before I walked graciously back into the arms of my submissive lifestyle. And I said I would NEVER go vanilla again.
And yet, this past year, I did exactly that. For some reasons unknown to me, and others far too clear, I ran from myself because I was hurt. And as my story seems to go, I learned yet again, another lesson. And have moved another very firm and strong step forward. I am fairly certain, this time around, I've learned a strong enough lesson that I will NOT be denying who I am ever again.

Vanilla Doesn't Sit Well

So my journey back into the vanilla life was interesting to say the least. For some of you, you may say "well, that's not normal for vanilla" but honestly, in my many many years this has seemed to be the prevalent world of vanilla for me. I'll try to go into a bit more detail, just so you can understand what I mean a bit easier.
After what I was told was the right amount of time to grieve I decided to jump on the vanilla dating bandwagon. Now, I don't want to sound vain here, so please forgive me if I do. I have never struggled to find a date. In fact, I haven't had to struggle getting a relationship either. Those are in an abundant supply to me. And no, not just based on my appearance, but my personality as well. You'd be surprised how many men are willing to date a submissive, even though they may not know it. Everyone has some sense of readability, no matter how good it is. And I seem to give off some sort of essence or vibe that there is something more exciting to me than just me.
But I noticed, in these months of vanilla that this "vibe" that I seem to give off attracts a very specific type of man. The type of man such as my ex. Damaged, emotionally wounded, scarred, angry, and desperate. And I somehow always get trapped in the middle of some twisted love affair they have for.....me?.....I don't know. I went on three dates with a very seemingly nice gentleman that I had met. But I knew something wasn't right with him almost immediately. We met online and I wasn't very quick to respond and he would feverishly pursue and beg for me to talk to him on the phone. And then one day asked why I was still on the dating site when I've found my soul mate (him). It took me nearly five months to finally get this guy to realize I was not interested. And during this time I still had other dates going on. Yes, I'll admit that some men, I liked. But it was becoming increasingly clear that the non dominance that these men were was nothing less than stifling and boring. Actually, more than just boring. Nauseating. And their emotional dependence, their neediness, their clingyness, made me feel as if I was supposed to be taking on a bigger role. One of which....I am completely and utterly unable to. In this time while these men depended on me to "fix" them I was falling apart. Being a true submissive there are downfalls to not being owned. I found my health deteriorating at an increasingly fast rate. I would forget to eat for days on end. My entire well being suffered exponentially. I literally was nothing more than an empty shell barely making it through each day. The longer I stayed in vanilla world, the quicker I seemed to evaporate and disintegrate into the black hole of nothingness. And it didn't help having these vanilla men needing me to be there for them and help them through their emotional crisis. Helping people is in my nature, as a great deal of you know so even though I didn't want any sort of relationship from these men, I couldn't help but try and do what I could for them, irregardless of their seemingly deep love for me. But....I finally had to admit that I could NOT be vanilla. I had to step back into my shoes and be my submissive self again.

Cautious Search

It was with caution and trepidation that I slowly began stepping back into submission. After all, I was terrified. I've been through far too much, seen more than most my age, and I'm broken. But I had nothing left to lose, and no other options available to me. I had already proven to myself that without being submissive, without being truly owned, I was withering away to nothing. At this point, I ask that you please don't judge me. My path is not always your path, or that person's path. Mine is my own. I can't change who I am. And although this may seem like such an odd concept for some of you, that a woman can and would submit fully and wholly to a man,that she would give ultimate control and power over her to someone and be fully happy, satiated, and healthy, this is who I am. This is who others are. There are a few of us....most of which would not speak of what they are out loud due to judgement, scrutiny, and ridicule. I personally, don't care if I'm judged. I've spent far too long in the shadows of life, and I'm finally beginning to feel the sun again. I'm not hiding anymore. So I'm asking you to keep an open mind and realize that the best thing, is that I've accepted who I am and that is a hell of a lot more than most.
Now, as I was saying, I stepped back into submission with caution and trepidation. And was greeted instantly by MANY different Doms. Again, not surprising, most subs get that kind of attention when coming out. Every Dom wants a good girl. But the search, for me at least, isn't that simple. I won't just take on the first, second, or third Dom that approaches me. In fact, I won't even speak to them in a submissively respectful way at first. I'm not a newbie to the lifestyle. And I learn quickly that a good portion of Doms are looking for just a woman to use and abuse. It's a topic of heated debate within the BDSM world these days and it's certainly one that I would love to get into at this present moment in time. But that is not what I'm writing about right now. So, you will have to wait for my next piece to get published to hear my take on that issue. This issue is merely just my journey back to where I belong. Where was I? Oh yes, most Doms are looking for nothing more than a sub to use and abuse. I've been down that road in the past, I've seen where that goes, and the traumatic emotionally and mental toll that takes on a submissive such as myself. Heck, if I'd actually taken the time to write about my mental hell with these Doms, I would be able to make each and every one of you cry in pain just from reading it. But I didn't. Nor do I wish to get into that now. Perhaps another time.
So I avoided a great deal of these so called Doms. Did not respond, blocked them, or told them where to go and how to get there. Yes, even though I'm truly submissive I can, at times, have quite the feisty attitude. One that a true Dom could control. While these ones, either would get hurt and slink away, or start cursing obscenities at me.
Sounds as if my search is leading me no where doesn't it? Ah, to the outsider, yes perhaps. To those of you that have followed me in the past, the fact that I'm back to writing says differently.

Finally Coming Back

My search has indeed led me to the right place. I am now slowly feeling the warmth creep back into my veins. So, in answer to your question, yes I have found a Dom. And not like the kind I've dealt with in the past either. And certainly not the type that I've had the "pleasure" of speaking to recently. Yes, that was my attempt at sarcasm there. He's what I refer to as a True Dom, or Natural Dom. It's what so many of us natural submissives are looking for, and yet rarely find these days. As each day goes by, my feelings for him intensify. May seem strange to some of you, but in the world of giving complete and utter power it is how it is. I do trust him. Much more than I have any others. That, to me speaks volumes. And at this point I can only hope that he does not decide to move on, or release me. I'm far more than proud to wear a collar for him, his name on me. It is him that has finally begun to silence the raging beast within me. The monster that crept in on me at night and caused me to harm myself in such sad and pitiful ways. There is a reason for me to continue to be me. I wish there was more to say about it at this point in time. But I am, after all, still stepping back into my writing shoes. Still trying to find words for each thought, feeling and emotion that flows through me. As time goes by and things continue to progress nicely with my new Master I will be able to write more fluently, more expressively and will finally find the words that had so long ago lost in the shadows and recesses of my darkest pain. I thank you all, my greatest supporters, for following me on this journey of life. I hope that you continue to do so, as my journey is not even close to finished. I've merely begun a new chapter. A better, safer, and more fulfilling chapter than the rest of my book of life.

Tags

Bdsm, Submission, Submissive

Meet the author

author avatar Empress
I write and have published poetry and was editor of the school newspaper all through highschool. I can write a variety of different genres from articles to novels

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Comments

author avatar cnwriter..carolina
26th Feb 2014 (#)

wow this is pretty intense and very well done...thank you...

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author avatar Empress
26th Feb 2014 (#)

You are most welcome

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author avatar Retired
28th Feb 2014 (#)

You seem to have put forth a very concentrated effort on this thought provoking article. It is sad that there are those who seem to feel that they need to speed us along through the grieving process. From my own experience I realize that grieving takes as long as it takes.

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author avatar Empress
15th Mar 2014 (#)

It certainly does. But most try to place grieving into a box, complete with a tidy ribbon. Five stages, that you must get through and hurry please. It's very sad

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