Confusing Thoughts

Empress By Empress, 24th May 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/2hx54ppm/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Diaries

Why does love, dating and relationships have to be so hard to understand. So very tired of being confused!!

More Rambling Thoughts

Today I am left in confusion. Nothing new for me but frustrating. When do you finally pack, tag, and store the baggage? I don't know how or when I do it, but by the time something ends it is all done and over with. I mentally prepare myself for what is to come, so that when it does I'm not only fully prepared but ready for the next step. But most people are not like that and makes me scared. I am frightened of the paradimes that are out of my control. Every person you meet, every lesson you learn, it's all for a reason. Some people come into your life and leave without leaving an imprint, and possibly never even generating a memory and then there are those people you never forget. Those people that piss you off, or make you feel horrible about yourself, or that you love unconditionally, and dare I say it? Those people that disappear from your life for years and suddenly with the strangest of circumstances find themselves before you yet again. Those kind of people scare me the most. They can do so much damage to someone, without even knowing it. You can't just pretend that it doesn't mean anything. Shit, they just pop up out of nowhere after so long and you can't just shrug your shoulders and say whatever.

Obviously they are meant to be in your life for one reason or another. The problem is figuring out what their purpose in your life is. Is it for fun, for love, for guidance, friendship? I walked away from something that was dragging me down, destroying me piece by piece. Only a month and a half ago I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't know why I was even born. I was miserable and depressed and didn't know how to get over the funk. I spent long nites, drinking alone in the dark, going over everything in my life and wondering what the hell went wrong. Then he broke my nose. And it sent me into defensive mode. Didn't take very long after that before the real trouble started. The only thing that made me happy was my children. I isolated myself from everyone else and had to force myself to go to work just to make enough to pay the bills. If I didnt have the boys I would probably be dead right now. But as sad as it is, my boys are not enough to keep me alive for the long run. I get it. After so much soul searching and deliberating it became clear that I need someone there for me. Someone to stand beside me no matter what happens. If I had that chance, that opportunity but I needed to wait would I do it? Would I just hang back and wait for that chance or would I say screw that and just keep walking? I wouldn't keep walking, it's not in me.

For some reason something keeps me from moving something freezes me in place. And I'm feeling stupid for doing this. I feel stupid for feeling this. I don't pretend to understand fate, and I certainly don't try to control it either. Every decision I have made in my life has been based on my heart not my head, based on the fate sitting in front of me, everyone who knows me knows this. But for the most part my head and my heart has always agreed to some extent. This time they are conflicting. My head says that he is not ready. My head tells me that I'm going to get hurt if I keep going, but my heart says screw it. My heart says that I should just follow through with the feelings in front of me, and not worry about the pain that might befall me. My head doesn't dispute the feelings I have, it just disputes that he does not feel the same way. I don't know who to listen to and it leaves me confused. And the kicker? It's too soon. Too soon to figure it all out. What happened to the good old days of not caring, not feeling, just plain ole fun? I threw them away for love and yet, I'm still waiting for it, whether it be with this man or someone else. Far too soon to tell.

Tags

Diary Entries, Relationships Dating, Relationships Love, Thought Patterns, Thoughts Flow, Thoughts Into Words, Thoughts Of Love

Meet the author

author avatar Empress
I write and have published poetry and was editor of the school newspaper all through highschool. I can write a variety of different genres from articles to novels

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Comments

author avatar sanjeev deopa
29th Jun 2013 (#)

YOU WRITE YOUR HEART OUT. how can someome understand things which you can't. you can feel love in relationship but how can somebody explain it. this person loves me this much, can we express that?

I think there is always Someone to stand by us.Is it not so???

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