Darkness inside

Raven Dawn By Raven Dawn, 8th Jun 2015 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/1fduv1aw/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Death>Suicide

This is a dream squence from a depressive mind wanting the release of death but not quite taking that step. It's a silent call for help tthat many don't hear.

Falling

So here’s the end… I am sitting in my car, parked at the edge of a cliff, my foot on the brake and my hand on the hand brake. It’s a cold dark day and there is no one about, no one to see or to stop me rolling over the edge. This was my special place, where I would come when I had my down days, where I could cry till I could cry no more. And so I’m here again, and the need to die is so strong today, I’m drowning in the sensation of it all. Its tight grasp squeezes the air from my lungs and the panic rises in my stomach like a raging monster bringing with it sickness. My body shakes uncontrollably and all I want is it to stop, I don’t want to feel anymore, I want it all to go away and the only way I can do that is to end it all. Thoughts crowd into my aching head, jealousy, hatred, anger aimed at me and the world, the past remembrances of failures and disappointments that have crowded me, hemmed me in over the years. They all feel as though they are bursting to get free, I can’t take it anymore. For months I’ve been told to “Get Over It” or “Suck it Up” people even deny that this is happening to me and refuse to give the help and support I so desperately crave. My whole life has been like this, the tall fat frumpy girl not accepted or loved just used and abused. I’m told to take responsibility for my life and let go of the past, HOW??? No one tells you HOW!!!! I’m hanging on by my fingertips on a ledge that is covered with razor blades and I’m slipping on the blood soaked tips.
So I’m here about to let go, and free everyone from me, I left my life in order so there would be no bother for the family who are better off without me. I sent my last text to the person I love the most. I have closed all my social networks down before I came away on holiday; the final act was to send an email with my will & testament to someone who would action it. Looking at my phone I have 12 missed calls and many text messages, “am I OK, what’s going on” blah blah. I throw my phone on the seat beside me and it bounces into the foot well, it’s time to go.
I release the hand brake and lift my foot, the car begins to move forward, and I start praying hoping that in my next incarnation things will be better. I will have a small slice of happiness just for me??? The cliff void rushes towards me, gaining speed as I roll, and time passes so slow past me, the journey to the edge seems to take a long time, will the drop be the same. I need it to be fast, I don’t want to know or feel the pain, and I just want it to end. I close my eyes a face becomes clear in my mind, it’s telling me to stop, that there is a way to get passed this, I’m crying now as my heart breaks. This is the only way I tell myself and the car is still rolling forward.

It’s the only way to stop the pain in my chest, the feel the total rejection every day. Years of trying to be better, to fit in, to act the correct way in society, be an asset at work. To the point I know longer know who I am anymore, I don’t have a place anywhere with anyone and never have. The people I know surround like ghosts, as the car begins to gain more speed, their faces shouting, horrid things. “Fat!”, “Ugly” all whizz past me, Others yelling at me that I’m no good, a waste of space and useless to society plough into my heart till I can’t breathe.

Then I’m falling, falling down and calm comes over me, the end is here finally….

The shrill sound of an alarm jolts me upright in my bed, and I am shaking all over from the dream. A dream that shakes me to the core, I'm alive and the wheel of my life turns again.

Tags

Depression, Lost Hope, Suicide

Meet the author

author avatar Raven Dawn
I'm a new writer expressing herself through short stories, hoping to entertain, comfort or make laugh.

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Comments

author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
8th Jun 2015 (#)

It is always worth to live another day - to fight tooth and nail till our number shows up for final departure. Our worth is in our own hands only - siva

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author avatar ispeakthetruth
15th Dec 2015 (#)

I hope it isn't how you really feel. I hope it was just a nightmare. Add me if you need someone to chat with. I care about people.

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