Depression: It isn't NEW

C. Montezuma By C. Montezuma, 10th Sep 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Personal Experiences

Depression can be traced clear back to Hippocrates!There are many in this world who feel they have no life, some to the extent of giving up and ending life. Traumatic experiences, isolation, and overall feelings of worthlessness creates pain and misery. But you can come out a winner!

Easing Back into Life

What happens when a person is 'nearly' completely isolated from society? Does not having to worry about what the world outside is doing, or what it thinks of you, make life better for you? My vote, is NO, it does not!

As a child, we moved quite often - at least it seemed that way. It is very difficult to really make friends when you are always leaving them behind. Therefore, my best friends were my beloved brothers, my books, and soon: my poetry. At that time, I did not feel isolated - especially since I had those that I called 'friends' at school - usually being teachers pet- did not hurt any either! Yes, there were reasons - one big one, that led to my isolating myself even then- but it is one that I have no desire to go into here.

The loss, as a child, of two of my three brothers- the oldest 12 and the younger 7 who died in a tragic accident while the 4 of us were playing, is a loss that left my heart broken and devastated to this day. The psych says I still have that broken hearted child within that tortures me to this day - but I am better than I was 10 years ago. It seems that when you are mortally wounded- which a part of me did die with them, that you no longer really care about a social life. When I married, I married a man who abused me, when I married the second time, I married a man who needed me - as an enabler and he suffered post traumatic stress from his tour in Vietnam (and 14 years older than myself), the third, and most definitely the one who treats me the best, also needed an enabler. Me? Well I just needed to be needed and being an enabler was my attempted strategy to be needed, for I felt that this was the only way I would ever feel needed and thus be less inclined to just simply give up on life.

But when all the children were grown and the nest was empty, we moved to the north. This proved to be a very devastating time in my life. I had previously had a very good job - now I could find none but a 3 month temporary and then a year and a half later a part time job that I had to drive 50+ miles each way to get to - this at that time when gas prices were soaring. The time in-between, the lonely days at home alone, destroyed my social skills - I played games on the internet and the people on Facebook who 'shared' with me (sent gifts for games and such! - I was hung up on Farmville). I did not know how damaging this had become until I got that part time job - and was scared to death! I simply could not remember things, I could not communicate the way I used to, I was happy that no one invited me to go to parties with them (groups of girls at the job) and I was glad that no one came to visit me - I was even glad that my husband stayed out in his shop so he could smoke without having to have his ball game interrupted ( I am allergic to cigarette smoke). On top of all this my fibromyalgia was giving me lots of trouble, and the ruptured discs in my neck were causing worse headache - I am assuming from the stress. At one point the pain was so bad that I felt like I might as well just end it right there and then! Why, because the doctor refused to see me because I had missed too many appointments (even though it cost $30 for each missed appointment). But that doctor was not the one treating me - it was the PA's who knew my problems. They were the ones that set me up for counseling which led to seeing the psych. But what the doctor refused to understand was that I had no clue what day it was from one day to the next- and I sure was not going to remember an appointment that was made a week ago.

I finally decided that I needed more help that even the psych could give me - so I moved back to the South, leaving my husband behind. Here, I had three of my four boys to visit - other friends that I had had since I was in my early teens, and other kinfolk who became a salve for my almost mortally wounded spirit! I was taken in by a friend for a while and then my Great Aunt who had recently lost her husband asked me to come and stay with her- as she hated to be alone. I still could not find a job, but I think a lot of that was my own insecurity - I no longer believed in my own capabilities and therefore had a very difficult time finding openings that I thought I could fill. But at least, there in Arkansas, I had plenty of support from people who actually loved me and wanted the best for me.... people who did not require an enabler, but yet made me feel needed just the same. This was a turning point for me.

When my husband finally got the job here in Louisiana - and I was within a days drive to my family -I was ready to go with him. When he had his heart attack, 3 months later, I realized just how much I loved him and needed him as much as he needed me! Had I not been here to rush him to the hospital, he would be dead now! The doctor says he should have been dead before he even got to the hospital! But, I do believe that some things occur merely to just open your eyes- to take your mind off of your own problems, and help you to see that there are those who need you just because you.... are you! I am much happier now. I have a part time job working in the deli (I have also been a head cook, and a buffet cook in my 'younger' years - and of course I cook at home so it was not something I had lost touch with). I have found my old - younger chatty self who loves to interact with people, give them a kind word or just make them laugh. I still have that short term memory loss that is a thorn in my side. I have also found doctors - in Arkansas and Louisiana who are willing to actually search to find out what can be done for my problems - mental and physical! In an attempt to stay away from back surgery, I am getting 2 injections in my spine - one is already given and I have had tremendous results - and the other to be given this Friday. As my mental attitude is stabilizing, I am reducing my medication for depression - by the way, having a doctor that does not treat you as if you are a hypochondriac does wonders for the mental attitude as well! Having and job where I am on my feet constantly is rather painful - but I am finding now, that with every day the aches and pains in my body are being reduced - just from the amount of exercise that I am getting. It has been a long and painful road, and I will probably never get over some of the painful situations that I have had to deal with in my life - but I am happier than I have been in a very long time - and I know that giving up was definitely NOT the answer! I still like to play games - but now I am also writing (duh!), which is very therapeutic for me now just as it was when I was a child.

The Bible tells us that God will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear, I think I must have reached that point in my life - and guess what? I truly believe it was HE, keeping that promise, who stepped in and led me in the direction I needed to go for healing. And when I was stronger, he led me back to where I belong, not just closer to my family, but also back to the man I love, my husband.

Tags

Abuse, Broken Hearted, Communication, Counseling, Counselor, Devastated, Doctor, Enabler, Family, Fibromyalgia, Headaches, Hypochondriac, Isolate, Isolation, Lack Of Social Skills, Loss, Loss Of A Loved One, Loss Of Innocence, Memory, Memory Loss, Mental Abuse, Mortally Wounded, Pain, Physical Abuse, Psychiatrist, Ruptured Discs, Social Skills, Spouse Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Support, Therapeutic, Trauma, Traumatic

Meet the author

author avatar C. Montezuma
I am a 52 yo mother of 4 sons and a whole lot of -steps! I have loved writing since I was a very small child! Writing poetically, I can take the good with the bad and make it all beautiful!

Share this page

moderator Mark Gordon Brown moderated this page.
If you have any complaints about this content, please let us know

Comments

author avatar Noortje
11th Sep 2013 (#)

I am only 22, but life is already getting me down , no job, friends but feeling alone . . . . You have given me hope ! On meds for 3 years now, and the been dissed by so many doctors "Just keep taking your meds" basically !

Reply to this comment

author avatar C. Montezuma
11th Sep 2013 (#)

Do not be afraid to look for other doctors - there are still some out there who truly follow the Hippocratic Oath to 'First Do No Harm'. It is very harmful to an individual who is suffering, to make them feel like they are a hypochondriac! If there is a problem, there has to be a cause, and doctors should go out of their way to find that cause - not just make a drug addict out of you! Insist on 2nd or even 3rd opinions - keep on until you find someone who really wants to find out what YOUR problem is!

Reply to this comment

author avatar Lady Aiyanna
11th Sep 2013 (#)

Try diet change and get rid of situations causing pain.
I took meds for three months, it makes you queasy.
Did it without meds subsequently. Its all about your attitude to life.

Reply to this comment

author avatar C. Montezuma
12th Sep 2013 (#)

There are many types of situations that we cannot avoid - whether they cause pain or not. When you live with hurt caused by others, from the time you are barely out of diapers, it leaves an imprint that rears its ugly head when you least expect it. When we moved, and I was nearly completely isolated- All I had was the internet and memories. My meds did not at all make me queasy - they kept me alive until I could get myself back together. It took moving back to where there were those who stood by my side regardless. So, I guess you could say the the meds and I worked together to get me back on track - a get a life!

Reply to this comment

author avatar Lady Aiyanna
11th Sep 2013 (#)

Am great now....

Reply to this comment

author avatar C. Montezuma
12th Sep 2013 (#)

I am so glad, depression can be a killer.

Reply to this comment

author avatar mkmalls32
11th Sep 2013 (#)

input this URL:

( http://www.mkmalls.com/ )

you can find many cheap and high stuff

Believe you will love it.

WE ACCEPT CREDIT CARD /WESTERN UNION PAYMENT
YOU MUST NOT MISS IT!!!

http://www.mkmalls.com/Michael-Kors-Handbags-n2447/

Reply to this comment

author avatar Delicia Powers
11th Sep 2013 (#)

C. your strength is awe inspiring...you have made some very hard but very life affirming decision- you deserve to be happy...you should be proud of all you are doing- life is meant to be lived- it is not always easy but it is worth every bit of pain every bit of struggle...you are remarkable C.!...looking so forward to reading more and C- sending you a hug and thanks from Maine.

Reply to this comment

author avatar C. Montezuma
12th Sep 2013 (#)

Thank you Delicia - I do so love your positive and non-judgemental comments! You are a breath of fresh air!

Reply to this comment

author avatar drrajeevddn
11th Sep 2013 (#)

Nice Post :)

Reply to this comment

author avatar C. Montezuma
12th Sep 2013 (#)

Thank you drrajeevddn

Reply to this comment

author avatar vpaulose
11th Sep 2013 (#)

Useful info.

Reply to this comment

author avatar C. Montezuma
12th Sep 2013 (#)

Just me getting stuff off my shoulders a little bit!

Reply to this comment

author avatar Stella Mitchell
16th Sep 2013 (#)

Dear C ....feel very loved by the Lord today . He is an ever present help in all our troubles ...and the highs and the lows and all in between .
God bless you with His Love and peace today and always .
Stella ><

Reply to this comment

Add a comment
Username
Can't login?
Password