Diary of illusions:

maree By maree, 8th Dec 2010 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/1abl85pn/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>True Stories

This is a collection of writings I did in hospital. When I underwent major surgery.
I had horrific illusions where I lost a day and a half. So I am slowly going through them and recording the events.

Before the illusions set in.

The beginning: August the 26th 2009.
I woke up in hospital, after emergency surgery
A day I shall never forget. My life would change for ever.
I am still very restricted, unable to walk very far, date 8th December 2010.

Its quite scary because Im about to imbark on quite a herific journey, reading what I had written over a year ago.
I'm about to go back to when it all began and relive the memories of angish and heart ache.

I am going through my journal, I kept in hospital.
I had asked my partner to bring it in.
As I wanted to record everything, my recovery, what I was going to go through, as I knew it was not going to be an easy journey.
I wanted it as a way of giving me hope and strength, something I could refer back to in the future, give me expections and record achievements. Remind me of what I need to prepare for, when I undergo my reversal operation.

As I had had heartmans procedure, I knew very little about stoma's.
I was in horrific pain, with drips everywhere. A tube was down my throat, I had an oxygen mask on. Life was differcult.

I had had previous operations before, so I thought I could handle another operation.

But this was like nothing I had ever experienced before.
The pain was so intense, my mind couldn't cope with it, so instead I retreated into a world of illusions, while my mind tried to work out a way to cope, and not send me over the edge.

Recordings of illusions I experienced.

At the time, when I went into my illusions. I thought my partner had arranged a tape for the nurse's to play, sweet encouraging word's to help me recover.
Instead it was a patients radio, I was unaware they had it on, so I could hear the music quitely in the background. The song intermingled with my visions. Sending me to worlds unknown.

I'm listening to the ipod, and burst into tears, when certain songs start to play, it triggers something in my head. Far far away, memories start to come back, associated with the tune, when in my illusional state obviously this is the tune that sent me down a dark track, trying desperate to get back.
Wonder wall or wonder all by the band the blurs, is the song on at the moment, maybe, saves me, after all you’re my wonder wall, maybe your gonna be, all these words are relevant.
They just makes me cry.

While I listened to songs that bought memories back of pain and angish, I just let my soul weep, and release all the pain trapped inside.
Obvious now that a radio had been playing next door when I slipped into my illusion. Their was no clever scheme set up by Bryan, he hadn’t magically installed speakers to gently sooth me.

The song love to dance, with my father again every night I fall by luther vancough, Dancing with my father, I had heard this and escaped into illusions about my own dad and family, songs triggered things, and set me down different paths in my illusions, like a giant jigsaw, which Im trying to piece back together.
My dad has long been dead, but sadly missed, as he was the love of my life.

Red hot chiilli peppers, I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day, take me to the place I love, take me all the way, another song that sends me to tears.
My pain I still feel with I hear this song. As I truly never want to return to those feelings.

Song one way train on a one way track, worthwhile how on earth did I get so cheated, drowning, runaway train. This is how I felt, I remember illusions of destruction and no hope, trains crashing.

Mad man laughing just easier than feeling all the pain, neither here or there.
Just great rock on Haraki all love songs that I heard were in my illusion.
I now realise that I compared myself to every lyric, associating it to my well being.

Song If it will all remain the same, just can’t take the pain feel the same.
Don't know who sings this, but it is in my head.

Chrissy hines Ill stand by you, song from illusions.

Another illusion.

Reading through the book and typing, it is so funny, this is obviously from illusion. Theirs little bits scattered all through the book,

I thought that they were recording my progress for a docomentary, how crazy is that.

541 sat YES is written in huge writing.
I think its from when I thought my partner had asked me to marry him.
In my illusion I had replied by writing it as big as I could then holding it up high over my head for the illusional camera I thought was recording to see my reply.
I remember how happy I felt, It was the best moment of my life, yet not real.

A song obviously set me off, to another adventure, or an announcement of someone winning a raffle on the radio. I over heard.

I read on, yes we have done it michelle, we had made it michelle, lets set up shop, all our dreams can now come true.
If its true I've won a million dollars micelles coming with me, It all seemed so real as I thought I heard people reply, cool.
I had even started to write a business plan, so strange, had written what I would need finicial advisor, budget control set up, I was going to have the most amazing mall, with all my friends, and other stall holders I knew.
We were all going to finually be successful with what ever our product was.

Im writing now, I can see the shop weighed heavily on my mind, how was I going to survive this, I could feel the shop was drifting away out of my control.

My illusions are so obvious in this book, my writing is irrational and so large.
Its like I'm screaming for help, not able to cope with the pain.

Another Ilusion I remember.
I was being used for an experiment for sleep deepriation.
My dreams I thought were being anilized as to how much the body could tolerate.

Re entering the real world

I remember their was a nurse sitting on a chair outside my door.
I recall looking at her from my bed, feeling at ease, until she rose to enter the room, then I would go mental and yell at her, not to enter my room, that she wasnt my partner. Things were slowly coming back.
Calmness would return when she sat back down.
It all seems so unreal to me, while typing what I have recorded.

I kept waiting for my partner to appear and surprise me with flowers and an engagement proposal, but it was all in my head.

He wasn't even in the hospital.

There was no family watching, as I thought a documentary was in the making.
No one wispering in my ear that I was doing well and would survive.

No words of encouragement which I swear I heard, were given, as I struggled through the night, until all was irralivant and nothing was real any more.
Trapped in a world of illusion, still no recall of the day lost.

Just vague memories of illusions, and dreams.

I need to take a break now, as it is all so over whelming, but I will return and write another chapter.

Tags

Ambitions, Change Of Life, Dreams, Hospital, Illusions, Inspirations, Pain, Survival

Meet the author

author avatar maree
Due to major surgery in 2009, I was forced to shut shop after 20 years. Determined not to feel sorry for myself I decided to swing the situation around to my benefit.

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Comments

author avatar ppruel
9th Dec 2010 (#)

I love reading it friend. that's talent - writing them down.

now it's a good article to share!

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author avatar maree
9th Dec 2010 (#)

I have just pulled out all my writings from over 20 years ago, I have got inspiration now.
So keep an eye out, as I was a victim of rape, then bashed my partner over 20 years ago.
So I will be writing it all down very soon.

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author avatar maree
9th Dec 2010 (#)

It should read bashed by partner, for returning home late.
To many pain killers in system at moment. But am doing a draft at the moment

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author avatar Greenfaol
13th Jan 2011 (#)

Hi Maree, that sounds like you were and are in a great deal of pain. I hope that eases really soon. Oh, and wonderwall is by oasis. Blur did other songs :D

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author avatar Kieron
11th Mar 2011 (#)

my heart goes out to you

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