For aden.

Synthaea By Synthaea, 18th Sep 2010 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/1faupo.4/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Personal Experiences

This was inspired by aden kendroemen, a writer here on Wikinut, and is a reply to a comment he made on one of my pages - http://www.wikinut.com/love-s-cruel-sense-of-humour./1d14mjji/cxds-tgu/ - regarding love, hurt, relationships and trust.

So, upon finding that my response had assumed the form of a mini novella, I figured I may as well dedicate an entire page to it. :)

Aden's comment

"It is a sad fact that people hurt one another. We’ve all been hurt, and have done some hurting to. Unfortunately it is how we learn the intricacies of intimate relationships, (some of us take longer than others). The goal is to become one with the object of our desire, which requires a great deal of trust. The problem is that level of trust leaves us vulnerable. People are not willing to give up the self, for the other. Biology aside, we seek intimacy in order to fill a space in ourselves we find lacking. Speaking as someone who has had their fair share of relationships, I have come to understand that the only way we can truly learn to love the other, is to love the self first. How is it possible to give love to another, if you have not given it to yourself? The pain we suffer through lost love is necessary, the set backs we have in our relationships are there to teach us. How would we be able to tell how precious love is, without a guide to show us what it is not? If it is a love derived from and strengthened through the self, It cannot be lost, it is freely given without fear of betrayal. Forgiveness not anger is our first response, for we begin to see that love is limitless, there is no shortage of it. We see that those who would abuse our love, are in fact hurting themselves."

My response

Pain in a serious relationship is inevitable. Most relationships don't work out, and when they don't, both participants are hurt (though the degree of hurt may vary). But as horrible as it is, what people seem to forget is that you need that pain. Without all the past relationships, how would you possibly learn to tell healthy and fulfilling partnerships apart from emotional cul-de-sacs? Or be able to differentiate between love, lust and infatuation? Or form your own personal ideas about relationships? Experience is certainly the harshest teacher, but the best.

Regarding trust.. yes, undoubtedly. To completely love someone, you must give them your whole heart and truly believe that they won't break it. You must have total faith that they will be romantically responsible. Sadly, often your faith is sorely misplaced, and upon realising this your entire world is crushed... but there is no way around it, because by refusing to put your trust in someone to that extent, you make it impossible for yourself to fall in love. And that is no way to live. To seek a relationship with your heart guarded is an incredibly selfish and counterproductive thing to do. Though perhaps some people have been hurt so deeply, and so repeatedly, that they are no longer capable of giving their heart away.

"If it is a love derived from and strengthened through the self, It cannot be lost, it is freely given without fear of betrayal." - This I can truly relate to. The love I felt, and still do feel for him, perfectly matches that description (well, there was certainly no fear of betrayal until he actually betrayed me. Now I'm kind of terrified of falling in love again). Conversely, I think the supposedly reciprocal love that he felt - or rather, infatuation, as he now believes it to be - was not derived from or strengthened through himself. I was content with my development and self-image, and had a strong idea of what I wanted from a relationship; but he wasn't happy with himself, and since I was his first relationship, he certainly had no idea of what he wanted or what to expect. Realistically speaking, under these circumstances I couldn't have really expected us to last. Particularly since we had other immense obstacles to overcome... including several thousand miles, for the vast majority of the time we were together.

He knows and admits that he abused my love and my trust, and that he is to blame for both making me fall in love with him and destroying the beauty we had. There is some vindictive part of me that wants this knowledge to hurt him as much as possible, for him to truly regret what he did, and especially, beg for a second chance (which, when we're in the same country again, he's far more likely to do)... but not receive one. I despise this aspect of myself, but sadly I think it's inevitable.

Would I really refuse him if he were to beg for a second chance? I honestly don't know. I am compassionate and empathic enough to realise that the situation was the real culprit, not him. However, he has injured me a great deal, and while I'm prepared to forgive, I will never forget. He would need to assure me that he is sincere, still the man I fell in love with, still thinks the world of me, deeply in love with me (rather than simply thinking with the wrong head) and fully intending to stay this time. A lot to ask, perhaps, but I believe that's what it will take to earn my trust back - and rightfully so, for trust isn't a matter to be taken lightly. If our second attempt were to also fail, then I'd be convinced that we're better off without each other. There would be no third chance. Dating someone over and over again until both hearts are completely wrecked is an excellent way to ruin a perfectly good friendship.

Thank you, aden, truly. You have enlightened me by opening my eyes to the true nature of love, given me a far more objective perspective on my predicament and encouraged me to express this perspective. Three good deeds, all in one comment. I am in your debt. :)

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Comments

author avatar aden kendroemen
19th Sep 2010 (#)

It is you I would thank for sparking those ideas in my brainpan. What you offer through your writing is always very thought provoking. I hope your current situation works itself out, either way you will gain something. Whatever that is will be for you alone. You will grow in wisdom ( something you have a great deal of already), and anyone who is lucky enough to have your love will thank the heavens for it.

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author avatar Synthaea
20th Sep 2010 (#)

Writers are blessed in that sense because they're able to inadvertently inspire one another. The thought that something good will result no matter the outcome - and that the experience can only make me wiser - is reassuring. So thank you for that, and also for your praise. :)

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author avatar Synthaea
11th Oct 2010 (#)

Erm, that comment was from me, I think I stayed on the page too long and logged out before I commented. :D

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author avatar Claerwyn Anwylaeth
5th Oct 2010 (#)

Syn, bravo.

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author avatar Synthaea
5th Oct 2010 (#)

xD <3

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author avatar wonder
7th Oct 2010 (#)

Read it, inspiring.

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author avatar Synthaea
7th Oct 2010 (#)

I'm glad you think so :)

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author avatar sgkeat
24th Jan 2011 (#)

I do wish you well. As I mentioned in one of my articles "Do you hurt?", someday you will look back and wonder why we react the way we do when we hurt. Take care, Synthaea, we are in here with you.

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author avatar Tranquilpen
19th Feb 2011 (#)

"Reason consists of always seeing things as they are", Thank you for a very touching read.

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author avatar Steve Kinsman
12th Jun 2011 (#)

Extremely right on article, Synthaea, and I love your writing style. Thanks for a great share.

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author avatar Funom Makama
9th Oct 2011 (#)

Great article. Reading a piece like this makes me feel lucky to be part of this community. Keep up with the good work.

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author avatar D in The Darling
10th Nov 2011 (#)

Empathy,sympathy accommodation and assimilation are my four corner stones of successful relationship.

Two people become one. One can never occupy to spaces at the same time. Understanding that means you share every space in the relationship. You give up the selfish self!

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author avatar D in The Darling
10th Nov 2011 (#)

Hey, I hate this un-editable thing. I meant "two" and not "to"

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author avatar LOVERME
11th Nov 2011 (#)

this was written
long ago ,
since then
where did u go???

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author avatar Md Rezaul Karim
4th May 2012 (#)

While commenting in this topic, I feel like an intruder to poke my nose on others matter!

So, I leave this page only by thanking both the parties.

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