Funny World 2

flow1759 By flow1759, 4th May 2015 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Humor

In the Series of Funny World, I writer of another funny experience of mine that promises to crack your ribs.

In Church

Worry not about Tomorrow - Tomorrow you might inherit a million Dollars or get run over by a truck, or tomorrow you might inherit a million dollars and get run over by a truck.

I often worry of what my next minute might bring due to some rather un-called for experiences of mine.

I will never forget an experience that brings "hot laughter" whenever I remember it.

It happened in 2012 when I came to Port Harcourt in my search for a job; an oil job.
My Cousin i was staying with never stopped telling me how blessed his Church was, so I followed him one Sunday.

Bearing in mind that the preacher in his church purchased me sleep, I promised I wouldn’t return there to worship, unless of course I would be allowed to come with a mattress.

It was Sunday again. And i always woke up every Sunday with my pillow soaked with the stream of Saliva that came out of my mouth at night, i know not why. Maybe i always ate "draw soup" in the dream, or maybe not.

I warmed the beans we prepared the previous night, ate and headed to a branch of my church I painstakingly located the other day promising i would worship there.

Albeit the church was morbidly obscured, I took the pains to locate it promising if the church be to my taste of how a church should be on sunday, I would take it as my permanent place of worship, that was if I finally get the job I longed for.

While I was in transit, it rained heavily so I was careful where I threaded so as not to sleep and fall. With a well polished shoe, I walked like someone suffering from Elephantiasis of the leg, I mean of both legs.

The water gathered on the floor made me discovered I had a calling in long jump. Yet I jumped and landed skillfully so as not sleep off and fall all thanks to “Kpoto-Kpoto”.

In Lagos where I grew up, Kpoto-Kpoto was what we called mud in pidgin English.
My shoe sole was Kpoto-Kpoto infested making me walk like the earth was -0.5 gravity. I took a look at the time in my wrist watch, it says 8:25, I was 25 minutes late for Sunday school so I hastened my steps. I looked ahead to see the church was but a stone throw away, so I jumped longer.

All of a sudden I felt like grease was on the sole of my shoe, I was gonna fall.

Like a pack of card, I fell, but not wholly.

And guess what?

I wore white trouser; pure white trouser.

Mud gave the trouser a rather “Kpoto-kppto” look as designed by Kpoto- Kpoto Texture Company.

I cried bitterly.

I cried not because my formerly white trouser was now brownish green, I cried because the funny incident happened so close to the church I was to enter.

The rather “good Samaritans” congregation that saw me fell, helped me cleaned up the mess, and bought me a bottle of coke to ease off the stress; maybe that was their pattern of winning a soul, or maybe not. They asked if there could buy me another trouser, I said I would be pleased if they did, so they did.

After drinking the coke and changing to another trouser, I walked into the church like nothing had a happened.

Like the usher that welcomed me into the rather scanty church saw me as a celebrity, he directed me to the front seat; where I detested seating, but again, I had no choice but to seat because the seats in front were “presidential”. Maybe such seats were kept specially for first timers, or so I thought.

“open to John 2:5!!” The preacher said.

I turned left to pick up my Bible and notebook but couldn’t find them. So I turned right, yet it was still nowhere to be found.

“where did I keep them?” I asked myself, “or did the good Samaritans collect it from me without my knowing?”

Like a flash back in a Movie, the incident replayed in my mind and "paused" when the Bible and notebook I held left my hand and landed in the open gutter close by. Rather forgetfully of me, I never remembered to fetch them, and I guess they sailed on.

It at that juncture dawned on me that I wouldn’t be opening John2:5, that my Bible was gone.

As I sat legs wide open, something dangled in between my legs. That thing was the label of the trouser I wore; that wasn’t what my eyes saw that made my mouth ajar, what I saw that made my mouth ajar was how big the trouser I wore was. If I was fatter by half, it could still not be my size.

I thought of standing up to go tell the “good Samaritans” I needed a change of trouser. But again, who were the good Samaritan? Had they gone back to Samaria?

After sermon, while people prayed, my prayer was that service should close any moment.

As we stood to sing hymn, I was careful not to expose to the Choir members how big my trouser was, especially the fair princess that was their leader who i crushed on.

I perfectly sang the hymn because it was a familiar one.

Then some others were singing hymn in my stomach……………………………….


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author avatar flow1759
I am a vast writer of several specialties, i write articles on freelance for some media houses in my country.

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author avatar Nancy Czerwinski
4th May 2015 (#)

Thanks for sharing your article.

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