Garry Trotter And The Portal of Pleasure - Part 1 (Chapters 1 to 4)

Ian R Thorpe By Ian R Thorpe, 10th Dec 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Humor

The story of Gary Trotter, a young wizard studying at Swinemoles (previously published in Greenteeth Labyrinth and parts of it appear elsewhere) is obviously a parody of Harry Potter. I use a lot of innuendo and double entendre but I would not describe the content as "adult", it simply deals with aspects of adolescence that stories of the other boy wizard's story ignores.

Chapter 1 - The Magic Wand

Boy wizard Gary Trotter has been enrolled at Swinemoles Academy for Supernatural Studies on a scholarship funded by the parody writer's guild ...

It was almost dawn of a late summer day, a pale light crept through the boy's dormitory window and over the sleeping forms of the pupils. One pupil was not sleeping however. Garry Trotter opened his eyelids just enough to let in a tiny sliver of light, enough to let him look down towards his feet. Garry could not see his feet because some mysterious force was holding up his bed cover as if it were a tent.

Usually when Gary awoke during the night it was to feelings of panic which were quickly replaced by loneliness and desolation as he realised he had once again been dreaming of his loving parents, the Wizard couple who have been disappeared by the evil Wal - de - Mart, leaving Gary orphaned to be looked after by his mothers conformist family. Gary had been too young to remember the horror of that night and only knew that somehow he had managed to defend himself against the evil one's power and banish his enemy to a parallel universe. Embedded somewhere deep in Gary's psyche was the knowledge that Wal - de - Mart would one day return for him.

In the pale light Garry could just make out the hands of the clock. It was four fifteen a.m. Most people would sleep for another two hours at least. Looking towards the next bed Garry was reassured to see the carroty hair of his best friend Don Beesley, the only part visible above the quilt. The whole dorm was silent and still. Garry was just about to lift up his quilt to get a better look at what was going on when a sudden noise made him duck down and pretend to be asleep.

The noise became louder and Garry lay very still, wondering if the thing under his quilt was some strange creature from another world that was rising out of him, like the baby alien ripping open John Hut's stomach, or simply a magical force - field caused by one of the pranks of his arch rival Batto Bellfry, the slimeball of Slatherin' House, who was despised by everbody in Swinemoles.

Gary lay, terrified of what he might see is he opened his eyes. The noise was very loud now and sounded like the distress call of a terminally wounded bull Buffalo.
"Heeeewwwww hna hnuzane, wudjoooweee numptydooo hammeee
Hghugh guh eeeeeooooowwwwwmmm
Hhhhhyyyynnn mzgmiyappy" the noise sang

Barry heave a sigh of relief. It was only Legless Len, the Swinemoles drunken ghost trying to find his way back to the oubliette before sunrise.

"Goodnight Len," Garry called as the ghost passed his bed.

"Hnnnuggite Meestair Grrrryyyy, Dnt appy t'knerr wha' yrrr it is d'y?" Len answered incoherently.

"Two thousand and six here but it was thirteen fifty four when you were thrown in the oubliette and forgotten so I suppose it's still thirteen fifty four to you."

"Ha! 'sss, throw old Len in the Ubbly yeti they did. Ubbly yetu, 't means forge' y'knrr, thrown old Len down th'ole 'n' forget, say I wass drnuk 'n'disbotherly 'n Chrrrch."

"You should keep off the spirits Len," Garry said, as he had on many other nights.

"Hohoho, kp 'ff spiriz, hahaha, vry gd. Hahahahahohoho, spiriz, brandy, yss."

Len laughed as if it was the first time he had heard the joke, which in a manner of speaking it was as ghosts have no past or future but only a now.

When Len had gone on his way Garry looked at the quilt again. It still looked like a tent. The thing had not gone. Perhaps it was a snake with rigor mortis, he thought, or somebody had left him a new wand. Most likely it was a spell gone wrong. Garry half remembered a dream about Briony, the girl who had come from a muggle family and befriended him and his friend Don on their first day at the school.

It had been a rude dream, Briony had had no clothes on and he could see her bumps.. That was it, of course, Briony was doing a project on extra sensory perception so she must have caught him dreaming about her and this was a trick to get him back.

Cautiously Garry lifted the quilt to see what Briony had done. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness he let out a gasp of horror. The thing was not a creature of wizardry at all. It was him. Well, part of him even if it did look quite like a new wand. Whoever had done this to him was a very powerful wizard and obviously was on the dark side. Had Wol de Mart found a way back from the twelfth dimension and come looking for revenge? Garry reached down and touched the thing that had grown where his willie had been. He expected it to be rough and scaly or cold and slimy but it was warn and soft. It did not feel magical in any way, in fact it seemed to enjoy being touched.

Thanks to Briony's remote control spell Gary had been given a grown up Magic Wand.

With a faraway look in his eye Gary started to stroke the wand. The comforting sensation his action gave him soon calmed his feelings of insecurity and loneliness and Gary felt that his life was about to change beyond recognition.
Soon he was fast asleep again.

In the next gripping instalment Prof. Humblebore learns of Gary's affliction.

(Picture: Alnwick Castle, stretched a little and with the shadows made more dramatic. I prefer the view from the bridge over the River Aln but could not make it soopky enough)

Chapter 2 - The Chamber Of Privacy

Continuing the story of a boy wizard's journey from childish pranks to grown up magic as he , with his friends Don Beesley and Briony Buggle learn the craft of wizardry at Swimemoles Academy.

A few days after the evil enchantment had fallen upon Gary, Mrs Vorbis the school housekeeper was complaining to the headmaster.

"Bedsheets stuck fast together again this morning Professor. It just isn't good enough, you know how much extra laundry that sort of thing causes. Everything has to be done by hand, you have to take care with Wizard's jiz; can't just go waving a wand."

"Unfortunately that is what young Trotter has been doing," said Professor Humblebore in his usual detached way.

Mrs Vorbis was one of those humourless women who did not see the funny side of anything, especially if it concerned boy's underwear or bedlinen. "I can't just go zapping semen, into another dimension you know, its not like seamen heading for the Americas, they are always disappearing into the triangle, but semen you have to be careful with. If I was to banish wizard seed into another dimension just like that we should have hidden forests full of pregnant nymphs and fairies."

"Oh come now Mrs Vorbis," Humblebore said without thinking.

"Come? Young Trotter has been doing enough of that for the whole school, staff included I should say."

"I merely meant to ask you to show a little tolerance. Boys will be boys."

"Not on my clean bed linen they won't. That sort of thing needs to be trodden on before it gets out of hand. We shall have pregnant fairies turning up on the Jeremy Kyle show before we know where we are."

Humblebore tried to recall if he had seen a pregnant fairy on the Jeremy Kyle show but could not. Jerry Springer maybe, but that was America. "I shall speak to Trotter today before he shoots off to Futtox practice," the Headmaster promised.

Professor Rebus Humblebore adjusted his spectacles and looked in a stern but not unkind way at Garry.

"Hmm. It seems young Trotter that you have reached a point…"
"That is SO UNFAIR! Nobody understands me, I get the blame for everything around here. You spread stories about me and make everybody hate me…"

"Trotter! That is quite enough, now as I was saying…"

"I don't care what you were saying. I don't want to listen to you, I didn't ask to come to this stupid school. Witches and Wizards, that's kids stuff. Nobody understands me."

"As I was saying Gary, we feel you have reached the point at which you might welcome the privacy of a single room."

"What? Do you think I'm Billy No Mates saddo or something? Do you think I want to sit on my own studying every night? You don't want me to have any friends, you are destroying my life."

"Now listen Gary," Humblebore said patiently, "we just want to do what is best for you. I have heard that certain things are happening that indicate you are ready for a more - er - grown up environment. At some time every young man's body begins to change, certain things happen and he gets - ah - a urges that may - um - may be quite upsetting."
Garry blushed deeply. How had Humblebore known the embarrassing nature of his problem.
"I just want to stay in the dorm and be one of the chaps."
"As you wish, but if you change your mind I'll be happy to arrange a private room for you."

As Gary left the Professor sighed. A wizard trapped between childishness and manhood was in for a difficult time and Trotter was a very special wizard. Things were going to get difficult.

A few days later Gary was alone in his private room. He lay naked on top of the bedcovers, head propped up with extra pillows so that he could look down at his body which had become a source of fascination. Gary was frightened and embarrassed at what was happening to him, but also excited. Something dark and powerful had entered his life and was working its enchantment on him. His magic wand, as the Swinemoles boys liked to call their todger, was getting longer and thicker, also there was a dark smudge of curly hair growing around its base.

As he looked at his magic wand it became suffused with cosmic energy again. Absent - mindedly he began to stroke it so that it would relax, as he did so his thoughts turned to Briony.

Suddenly the school swat had ceased to be just a girl, a good sort though far more sensible than was necessary and absolutely hopeless at the school sport Futtox. Since the spell had first manifested itself Gary had started to find her interesting in different ways. He no longer wanted to talk to her about spells and potions, if fact he could hardly talk to her at all, he just blushed and got an erection. But he had started to find her interesting in strange ways and strange places. Her legs and bottom were interesting and those lumpy bits that had appeared under her sweater, they were magic. Not in the wizarding sense of course, but magic all the same.

Don Beesley said they were just two bags of sweets that Briony did not want to share. Don could be an idiot at times.

Gary wondered what the things on Briony's chest were and tried to think of a way he could cop a look.


Chapter 3 - The Forest Of Mystery

It was almost exam time and Gary was supposed to be revising in his room. Instead of concentrating on The History of Wart Cures and Boil Curses he was thinking about Briony and his wand was demanding attention. Throwing off his clothes Gary was about to get down to some serious work when he was distracted by a scratching, scuffing noise coming from beyond the end of the bed. Strange noises were not a strange occurrence in Swinlemoles and Gary tried to ignore it. But the noise got more persistent and was accompanied by a lot of huffing and puffing and grunting.

"What on Earth is going on?" the boy wizard asked nobody in particular. Thinking it was just Legless Len the drunken ghost on one of his pie-eyed peregrinations Gary was surprised to get a sensible answer.

"Just - puff - moving the - grunt - rug a bit Mr. - arrrrrooooogahoof - Gary," said the voice of Dobber the domestic gnome whose job was to look after the private room and its occupant.

That occupant now sat up to see what was really going on. Dobber's capacity for misunderstanding was legendary.

"Dobber, why are you moving the rug?"

"Dobber 'as found somefink what 'onerable Mr Garry will find interessin."

"Not now Dobber, I'm busy."

Dobber looked as if he was about to burst into tears. "Oh woe is Dobber, Dobber has been bad gnome and disturbedicated 'onerable Mr Gary just as great wizard was about to spank the monkey. But Dobber only wanted 'elp Mr Gary get a peep at Miss Briny wivout clotheses."

"What!" said Gary, leaping forward to help the gnome. Together they pulled the rug aside and Dobber pointed proudly to a knothole in the floor and indicated that Gary should look through it. When he did so he was treated to a view of Briony naked and about to step into the shower.

Later in the girls dormitory Briony confided to Titania Hemlock that she thought there was a heavy breather ghost in the girls' showers.

It was a while before Gary understood what had been revealed. There was nothing in the school library of volumes on wizardry, witchcraft, potions and enchantments about young wizards getting hair around their boy bits. Just as he was growing a patch of hair around his willie, Briony, who did not have a willie of course, sported a dark triangle at the place where her body joined her legs. Eventually Gary had had to use the Cloak of Invisibility left for him by his parents to slip out of school and into the dimension of reality. Once there he had visited a muggle shop that had the windows painted so nobody could see inside and a sign that said "Adult Book Shop" before he found anything useful.

Inside the shop were thousands of books showing male and female muggles without clothes. All of them had the strange hair that he and Briony now sported. He also noticed that the men all had moustaches. Horror of Horrors, he and Briony were turning into Buggles. They would be expelled from school and have to give back their broomsticks and get jobs in fast food restaurants. Who could possibly hate them enough to have done this.

Despite the spotty young man behind the counter becoming very panicky when he saw his stock lifting itself off the shelves, thumbing through its own pages and then disappearing as Gary slipped books that he fancied under the cloak of invisibility, nothing was done to stop him and he strolled out of the shop with a lot of valuable research material.

Later in his room Gary had time to study the literature properly. All the muggle ladies had hair, but some just had a little tuft called a Brazilian and others had narrow line called a landing strip. What he hadseen on Briony might have been a kind of Brazilian, it resembled the Matto Grosso. Gary supposed a landing strip was where muggle men tried to land their broomsticks.

One woman whose pictures were in several books had a heart shaped patch of pink hair. Garry thought that was quite artistic and then decided that Briony had chosen a triangle because it was a powerful magical symbol. Briony was great at defensive magic, she would have been quick to realise something was going on and protect herself. But how could Gary ask for her help. He could not even talk to her without blushing these days. It was impossible to get near the girl wizard without feeling embarrassed so mentioning such a delicate subject was out of the question.<P>
And then, as he studied the buggle books he though of how he had acquired them and a brilliant idea came to him.


Chapter 4 - The Delta Of Venus

When Don Beesley had heard of the private single room he has thrown a hissy fit. The privileges that came Gary's way simply because he was the son of someone people said would have been the greatest wizard that ever lived irritated everybody from time to time, but particularly Don because the two boy wizards were best mates and you just didn't abandon your mates.

"Remember in the first year we made a pact that we would stick together right through school, soon forgot that didn't you. We made a deal we would share a double study. Soon left me behind when you got a single because you are Humblebore's pet didn't you?"

"I'm not Humblebore's pet," Gary sounded hurt. The school and the whole world of white wizard and witching had great hopes of Gary because he had defeated Volauvent and banished him to the dark dimensions, but such a burden of expectation lay heavily on a boy's shoulders.
"Only senior get singles, you are not entitled," Don whined.

"It isn't my fault, I didn't ask for a single," Gary protested. "Anyway I wanted to know if you fancy coming up for tea and crumpets later."

"Oh yeah. Not good enough to share your room but I can come up for tea and crumpets." Don was struggling to hide the fact that he was thrilled to be asked. "Well I'll have to see if I have anything better to do. Batto Bellfry had been awfully friendly since you moved out of the dorm and he lays on cream cakes for people who go to tea."

"Don, it wasn't my idea to move to a single. Humblebore made me. Because…well because something is happening to me and it might be dangerous. And it is happening to Briony too."

"Briony, so she's going to share your room?"

Garry's magic wand filled up with cosmic energy at the thought. "No! Well nobody has said anything. I suppose they want to keep it secret."

"Humblebore's pet, nygh nygh na nygh nygh," Don mocked.

"Listen Don, I didn't want any of this. All I want is to be an ordinary boy wizard and not get noticed everywhere I go and just be able to have a laugh with my mates and play Futtox for Wyverntail house."

"No, you never asked for it Gary, but you never say no when it comes along do you? You just manipulate people coz they are useful to you, you're a user, Gary Trotter."

Garry's eyes filled up with tears as Don stomped off.

A secret is not worth having unless it is shared and Don's hostility had to be tolerated because Garry needed to share his secret with somebody. Later that afternoon Don went to the single study as arranged.

"I wanted to show you something," the boy wizard said as his friend quaffed ginger beer and scoffed dozens of hot crumpets spread with lashing of butter.

"What, something else Humblebore has given you, teachers pet."

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit."



"Oh yeah?"


"Well a user is the lowest form of friend."

"Just look at what I have to show you then and perhaps you will understand." Gary had invited Don at this for afternoon tea because it was the time Briony took her daily shower. Lessons were over and there was usually the residue of exploding toads, leaky skunks or some form of ectoplasm to be washed off. Girls were naturally more particular about this than boys.

"What is it, a new spell? Cool, is Briony coming up?"

"Briony will erm…sort of be involved…sort of."

"Sort of, you haven't made her invisible have you pig foot. You've made her invisible and you don't know how to get her back. Hahahahahaaa. We're not supposed to do invisible spells until after our AS levels Hahahahaa. The great wizard and you can't even uninvisible someone."

"Oh she will be totally visible Don, just not actually here. Look," Gary felt control shifting back his way a little as he pulled the rug aside.

Don put his eye to the knothole in the floor. "WOW, its Bri. and she's got no kit on. Is it some kind of video device? Hey, she is in the shower. Is it a 3D version of psycho. Gary! We have to help Briony, someone is going to knife her."

"She isn't in any danger," Gary said, his voice shrill with tension, "move over its my turn."

"No, I've seen the film Gaz, this guy stabs her through the shower curtain."

"Don, its not a horror film, just Briony taking a shower."

"With no kit on."

"How else do you take a shower?"

"I don't think we should be watching Gary."

"You have sisters Don, what do you reckon of the way Bri. looks? Look closely around the top of her legs."

"She's… she's… yeuch, there a great big hairy wart where her twinkle should be. What is it? Is that the dark magic you were telling me about?"

"That, Don, is something buggles know more about than us. I had to go to a buggle shop to find any useful stuff about it. That is the Portal of Pleasure. Sometimes known as the Gateway to Heaven, the Delta of Venus and the Fountain of Ecstasy. Its something very special."

"Bollocks," said Don, "it looks like a Badgers arse."

Gary felt all alone and confused as he realised he could not share his amazingly brilliant plan with his best friend.



Adolescent, Humor, Humour, Magic, Parody, Pupil, School, Teenage, Wizard

Meet the author

author avatar Ian R Thorpe
Born Manchester UK, 1948. varied early career from clerk via construction site worker and street trader to I T consultant. Performance poet, broadcaster, fiction writer and essayist on many topics.

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author avatar LOVERME
10th Dec 2013 (#)

ur excellent
i read your confession
and another poetry
..ur a real one

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author avatar Phyl Campbell
11th Dec 2013 (#)

Definitely funny. Wal-de-Mart -- being from AR, I laughed and laughed at that!!

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author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
11th Dec 2013 (#)

Hillarious and funny post and very entertaining!

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author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
11th Dec 2013 (#)

Good morning, Ian; echoing Phyl, I like the parody and certain names stuck out - oh sorry, those words were obviously influenced by the content. Distractions aside; fun read. ~Marilyn

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