Getting over.

Gayatrie Pathak By Gayatrie Pathak, 15th Nov 2012 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Diaries

I always write a journal and end up tearing off the pages, tossing 'em up into some trash bin. But I guess it is time again that I take up the pen, jot whatever and clear my head a bit...

Sense has taken the better of me.

I always write a journal and end up tearing off the pages, tossing 'em up into some trash bin. But I guess it is time again that I take up the pen, jot whatever and clear my head a bit.
I need to be strong with my emotions, whatever I feel and direct myself towards. Everybody have their priorities set and though I've planned what I want to do, I've just not done enough to get there. I have lied to people. Surely those truth(s) wouldn't have affected them in any way, but I still lied. For my convenience, my satisfaction.
For once I need someone who I can bare my soul to. I know I 'd never find a person as such. i am so selfishly jaded. But screwing up the language still bothers ! i am at an age where I prioritize the men in my life a lot. Has not sense taken the better of me ? i guess not. that's why I am gonna do what I think is sensible now. I am gonna focus all my energy into what I chose and what I wanna do there. I'll read, think, produce answers which contain intellectual and work as hard as I can. People know it, people do it. I should do it too. But why am I blinded by what people do ? Don't I have my own set of thinking and principles ? It seems I think too much, maybe I should flip its effects to lead me somewhere, to something where/ which I've never reached.
Tears are welling up, as I am at an end where I actually have to suppress them. Cry once and never cry again. I had thought I'd save some space for C. I realize that I can write about him for eternity.
Now I have to care less, think more. Care not, if at all and think every time. Shut people out and make some room for myself. Stop feeling and become a workaholic. At the end, no-one is going to be there, to be there as a support or pedestal.
It is not a one step process. I have to shut them gradually, for my own benefit. ( I am sleeping with a guy tomorrow. It is so amusing that I am so planned about it. I can do worse things possible, and I am gonna regret it quite a bit. No whore would sell her soul.) Tears did well up, but I didn't let them flow, cross the brim. It is too small a thing to be proud of, but I am.

My insecurities.

My insecurities take over the better of me. Whenever I see someone who's a competition, pretty much near enough, I jump into this quick sand of insecurity which keeps pulling me down, more and more. Though it's been only a few days since my resolutions, I think I am not doing a bad job. At all.
My insecurities shouldn't affect me or bother me. Rather and in fact, I shouldn't feel insecure. That only would make me weak. What I am, cannot be anybody else.

Tags

I Am, Insecurities, Intellectual, Journal, Principles, Proud, Resolutions, Selfish, Sense, Soul, Tears, Weak, Whore, Workaholic

Meet the author

author avatar Gayatrie Pathak
Bharat Natyam Vishard,
Aspiring Anthropologist,
(content to evolve)...

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