Hollywood should take a break

Marzeus von Hemelen By Marzeus von Hemelen, 22nd Oct 2015 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Culture

I feel like bitching so just know the rest of my thoughts on the matter may be in a nagging tone.

The thing is, I honestly think Hollywood should take a break. And by Hollywood, I mean all filmmaking businesses and production houses who cram out (crap out) films that are only uninspired, corrupted, rehashed, hogwashed assembly line just-anothers.

No new ideas. Just spinning the same garbage

I think Hollywood should have gotten the hunch of stopping to make movies for a while themselves because there just isn't anything else to make a movie about, when they realized all they still have to work with are movies that have already been made; to remake the same things over and over and over again. "Cuz they got them cgi now!!" or whatever stupid reason.

Sure, there are a very few movies that are cute and worthy of having been made. That's what I'm saying - if you have the great inspirational idea for a movie, make that movie. But if you simply have nothing whatsoever aside from millions of clichés and beaten to death horses, don't just crap out a movie anyway.

Today's scriptwriters have no actual life experience and just barf up the same things they saw in movies in their lives

Even worse than remaking the same horse-sh*t, is to remake something but corrupt it so it sucks and stinks, with cliché no-actual experience dogmas come up with by terrible writers who have no real life experience of anything but watching television like worthless sacks of crap. They take a good story and put it through these filters, to come up with a corrupted piece of garbage.

The same filters and moulds shaping or disshaping every darn story:

Some of these corruption filters and moulds include but are not limited to:

- Death as entertainment. There's hardly no movie or TV series in which death isn't abundantly depicted in any and all sorts of ways to entertain the viewer. Death, death, death, that's what people are yearning to see, right? More death in more awkward, gross, indignifying ways, that's what's entertainment for the masses.

- White people are evil towards black people

- The rich can't be good; they're evil oppressors of the poor and they're greedy filth

- Men have only one agenda: sex.

- No gentlemen from the 1600's, 1700's and 1800's are to be admired. Even if they are pioneers who created the start of giant civilizations, they must under no circumstances be revered. Instead, they should be depicted as drunken roudy trigger happy oppressors of the innocent local tribes. Greedy pigs.

- Whenever street scenes from the previous centuries are depicted, it must always be with a dark undertone and have lots of grinning whores standing around all over, trying to seduce whatever main character might be passing through.

- Main characters are usually these tough faced I-dont-cares, who show no emotion on their faces except for pain. Nice guys don't make main characters anymore.

- Hitler must be recrucified in just about every reference, as someone who is evil for the sake of being evil.

- Whoring is commonplace for young (and middleyeared) women, because life is "just that tough".

- Fathers and their teenage sons must under no circumstance have good relationships with each other.

- Fathers must be drunken alcoholics who beat their feather-roughened nerves-breakdowning wives.

- Secretaries are like spare wives to the man of the office.

- Married couples can under no circumstance be happy living the married life. Marriage must at all times be depicted as a prison that robs the individual of any freedoms.

- No cool character should have two parents who are still happily married. Cool people have divorced parents, always.

- It's unusual for anyone in a movie to know who their dad is. He "split", usually when they were still a baby or a child.

- If a movie character's religion is to be mentioned, they are jewish. If the characters are to wed, it's usually in a Catholic church. Only in really, really low budget privately made films are there such a thing as a Protestant religion, and it's usually for extremist white trash conservatives.

- Friendly conversations are to be severely limited. Preferably stayed away from completely. Characters will always talk serious, even rude, self-confirming, don't F with me, or scream at each other. Juicy drama. Never light and happy.

- A young guy is not cool if he is well mannered, decently dressed, smart, healthy and well behaved. Cool people are wild smokers, drug users, drunks, rebels, bed-hopping troubled bad-asses who steal, rob, and dabble in criminality. Nevermind what those aforementioned things do to a person over the long term. The story will just not focus on what comes later; only on the moment it feels good.

- It's not cool to be middle classed and have all you need to live a good, content life. You're only cool if you're dirt poor and have to resort to gangsterism to survive, or if you're so filthy rich that you live in Tuscany mansions with blue swimming pools, shiny flat well-curved cars, and silky-smooth shaved legged party girls who love you for your money, and the possibility that men in white suits holding automatic rifles will jump out of hiding from behind a pillar and open fire. You must be either one of those extremes. If you're just middle class, you're not cool and have no place in a movie.

- Sex motions don't make noise.

- Victorian times are evil and people living in that time are evil filth.

I could name examples the whole day long, but instead I'm going to focus on what triggered me to write this. It's a remake miniseries of a theme that in itself has been done to death:

Treasure Island.

Treasure Island used to be good

Treasure Island is a very revered work, even if the original book by Robert Louis Stevenson isn't all that spectacular. The book led to many wonderful movie versions of it. Not to mention a hotel that puts on a spectacular floor show based on the theme.

I remember years ago there was an anime series on Treasure Island, and it was absolutely wonderful. They didn't stick to the original book, but what they did do was to actually IMPROVE the story. This version is what Treasure Island is for me, and I compare everything else to this fantastic version.

I'm all for changing the story slightly if it's for the sake of IMPROVING it.

However, that's not what Hollywood and filmmakers are trying to do whenever they do the Treasure Island story now. I'm not even going to mention the Disney movie "Treasure planet", because that lame piece of crap was more terrible and impactless than a fly diving into my soup.

Now, what irked me so much about this horrible recent miniseries remake? They changed it for the worst, 's all.

In the original story, Doctor Livesy and Squire Trelawney are very good friends, true gentlemen. They also are friends with Jim's mother and take good care of her and of Jim. Doctor Livesy is also a magistrate.

They go on this treasure hunting venture, very excited, and have to stick together when they realise that the crew of the ship are the baddest of pirates, Captain Flint's old crew, planning a mutiny.

In the end, with the help of Ben Gun, one of Flint's men left for dead on the island who would like to return home with them very badly (and is dying to eat some cheese again), they return home with loads of treasure. In one version of the story I saw, they hand it over to the government since it's all stolen money, and they are each rewarded with a thousand pounds. But, in most stories, they keep the treasure and we assume they live happily ever after with no financial cares in the world.

Also it is clearly stated in the book that they arrived back home safely just before the search party, that was to go search for them in case they didn't arrive back within a certain time frame, was to be dispatched.

Quite a charming story.

Treasure Island, corrupted

Then there's this corrupted garbage, that seems to be the most recent remake. Just compare it with the above story:

Dr. Livesey is a poor sod, an absolute loser from the lowest of classes. They go bother the rich bitch, Squire Trelawney, an evil moneyhungry pest, with their idea of hunting for Flint's treasure.

Squire Trelawney agrees to fund the expedition, but decides that since both Jim's father and Dr. Livesey owe him money, they will have no share in the treasure; all the treasure will go to Squire Trelawney, since he just is such a bitch. The rich are evil, that's just how they are.

In fact, while they are gone on their treasure hunting expedition, people sent by Squire Trelawney come to throw Jim's mother and all her things out of the Admiral Benbow inn, since Trelawney will just take their inn too.

And for some reason, all their furniture has to be burned outside the inn too. Just to make it extra mean and cruel.

Jim's mother then has to become a whore for money.

The Hispaniola is not a very grand ship, in fact it's not impressive at all. A small vessel that just plain looks unimpressive.

There are many black people crew on the ship (asif), and these of course are mistreated and even punished to death by Squire Trelawney for their transgressions. White rich people are oppressive towards black people, such is the rule, right?

Even John Silver's words to Jim are plainly: "Rich people take what is not theirs; it's just what they do!". Oh blast all the rich and their richness. If somebody is rich, they must have gotten any and all they have out of committing absolute evil to the poor, right? Such is just the dogma of Communism.

Squire Trelawney, though in the original story having been very kind and protective of Jim, of course is not allowed to show any such goodness in this version. In this version, he has Jim tied to a pole and let Jim sleep outside for the night at the fort, still tied to the pole.

And after a horrible battle with the pirates, it is only the evil Squire Trelawney that would even think of going to hunt for the treasure now. Everybody else turn on the horrible man.

Ben Gun is a religious fanatic. Hell knows where they came up with such an insane idea, but whatever f*cks the story up most, right?

And instead of going home with Jim, Ben Gun decides to stay on the island. This is such a blatant corruption of an important pillar of the original story. Why would somebody who's been all alone on an island for years, and who so badly longs to go home, want to stay all alone on an island for all eternity now? Stupid.

But the biggest load of crap comes when they leave the island with the treasure. Jim, a poor boy who needs this money bad, who could improve him and his mother's life with this money, what does he go and do? He decides to throw the treasure overboard.

And the stupidest is yet to come: Squire Trelawney actually jumps overboard into the ocean to... heck knows what even. It is of course easy to just hoist the treasure, kept in net bags, back up onto the ship with ropes, by swimming down to the not so deep ocean floor and tie the rope ends to it.

But the mentally insane writers of this story decided Trelawney would just jump into the ocean without any ropes or any such plans. He'll just jump in and then swim down to the treasure, only to put his foot in it and then die from drowning.

Yes, Treasure Island fan, I was just as put off by this nonsense of Trelawney dying such a stupid death, when we all know in the authentic story Trelawney is one of the survivors who go home with everybody else.

Also, Trelawney didn't organize for anyone to come rescue them if they didn't arrive back home within a certain time frame, a detail that is in no uncertain terms mentioned in the original story. No reason is given in this version, but it is quite clear that they tried to demonize Trelawney through the floor, and this is just one more corruption of a story punchline.

Long John Silver wears eyeliner. How pretty! A good candidate for Miss England 1795 beauty pageant

Then there's John Silver. Now in some versions I've seen John Silver as a beautiful man of about 30 years old, with long brown hair and a depth to him. In another movie of course John Silver is an old man with lots of character.

In this version, Long John Silver is a very short stubby baldheaded putz who wears eye make-up. I don't know if they tried to steal the idea of eye make-up from Johnny Depp's character in Pirates Of The Carribean, but this isn't really what anybody would think of as Long John Silver.

And the parrot isn't with him much. It stays on the ship throughout the whole island adventure. The filmmakers were too pathetic to get a trained parrot that would be John Silver's trademark chum.

Conclusion: It's this blasted having to churn out more and more crap for money, nevermind if there's actual inspiration

Well, thanks for listening to my bitching. I really think the Treasure Island story has been done to death now, and the only way to make new versions slightly newish is to bring such stupid ideas that corrupt the punchlines and bugger up the characters into it. The latter of course might as well not be done, so for cream cheese's sake, please don't make any more terrible Treasure Island corruptions.

I think most filmmakers forget that film is an entertainment medium. They don't want to make it entertaining. They want to make it repulsive.

So in conclusion, I honestly think film has depicted enough depressing garbage thought up by mentally sick people. A break in all the garbage being produced would be welcome.

A good rule to follow would be: Don't make another film if you have no fresh new idea. Stop the god damn remakes. Don't corrupt the old classics through today's popular cliché filters. You're just corrupting anything good there was in the original versions.

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author avatar Marzeus von Hemelen
I like eggs for breakfast. I live on top of a hill inside a beautiful but old dwelling complex. I like to take life in through my senses and then give feedback through my writing.

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