How to deal with your partner’s past

Violet Ivy By Violet Ivy, 2nd Jun 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Sexuality & Gender

Come on now, do you actually think your new girlfriend has just been born wonderful and willing before you? Can you actually kid yourself into believing that this is the first time your man has used his tongue that way? Sorry, you simply can’t be the only ‘schmoopie pie’ he’s ever known and I hate to break the news to you buckaroo, your lasso is not the only one she’s ever played with.

Your ex has had lovers before do you cope with that?

Come on now, do you actually think your new girlfriend has just been birthed whole cloth wonderful/willing and wet before you? Can you actually kid yourself into believing that this is the first time your new man has used his tongue that way? Sorry, you simply can’t be the only ‘schmoopie pie’ he’s ever known and I hate to break the news to you buckaroo, your lasso is not the only one she’s ever played with. I can guarantee you, within a certain scale of experience, most likely the guy or girl you are with has had some experiences before meeting you….and you know what I mean by ‘experience’. Sorry big boy, but mostly likely you’re not the ‘biggest’ boy your partner has ever seen (if you know what I mean) and yes, you might think your T&A jiggles like no other, but I’m sure your lover has seen/spanked/nuzzled up to other T&A, some even firmer, tighter or curvier then yours.
Let’s face it, the wonderful person you are now, the evolved guy or girl you’re lover is just mad about, came through some trials and tribulations to be you (didn’t ya?), as did your significant other. Like you, your new lover or even old spouse is sure to have a hope chest or flash drive full to the brim with pictures that stoke memories of times and lovers past. Like you, your significant other is sure to play some mind’s eye home movies as accompaniment to his/her tickle and stroke from time to time. Like you, the new person in your life has probably had a few persons before you.
Sure we all know this. We even might have heard a tale or two of exes or had a moment of confession about one or two of our own. But still the past comes to rear its ugly head time and again…and it’s less our past that does so than the past we imagine our lover had. It’s that all too common relationship curiosity that each and every one of us seems to have to poke and prod every now and again. For some reason we can’t seem to leave well enough alone, guys and girls both, gay, straight or bi ask questions we really don’t want the answers to, we all look to investigate, we are all guilty of boldly going where no man (or woman) should really ever go back into the so long ago-s of our lovers.
But don’t fret my memory Magellan; I have come to quell your curiosity. I have sure fire ways to keep you ever moving forward in relationship. I know exactly what ails you and I can certainly lend a hand in how to deal with your partner’s past…or more precisely, how to ignore it.

The past is the unknown…that’s what makes it so unknowable

I guarantee that the suspicions, the wild imaginings of sexual trysts, the deep heartfelt moments of love you assume fuels your partner’s past glories were not as intense as you fitfully imagine them to be. Sure, just like you, your guy or girl probably had knock out drag out moments of hapless love and wacky sexual abandon. But we all imagine scenarios that in the here and now were never as romantic or as pornographic as our imaginations make them out to be. What gets you all heated-up about your girl or guys’ past is less them mentioning a moment here or there, or even them keeping a picture of the ex…ok, maybe that does bug you, seeing a picture of the ex, I’ll give you that one…it is the fact that you can’t put their past in perspective like you can your own, because it is not your past. We invest all manner of extra special meaning to stuff we simply did not experience but feel threatened by.
It is the classic fear of the unknown and it can drive us crazy if we don’t get a handle on it.
Think about your own long lost loves or past sexual encounters (and really, let’s face it, isn’t it your partner’s past sexual encounters that unnerve you the most?). Some were good, some great, some not so great, right? I assure you this is the way it was for your lover as well. I can and do remember a great many men in my life, but I know if I were to start really poking the surface of my past relationship memories I’ll bubble up just as many good times as bad. Sure, a fantasy might flitter by time and again, I’ll admit to using some home movies for the occasional odd tickle and strum, but generally I don’t live so much in my past. This is true for most of us I think; we are all where we are now because we all, more or less, want to be, aren’t we?
Don’t forget that little axiom…we are all where we are now because we more or less want to be.

The male ego is not alone

You know that eternal quandary hetero men have of wanting their women to be chaste but at the same time experienced enough to show them a good time in the bedroom? It’s that old Madonna/whore complex that has less to do with the being “Like A Virgin” as it does men wanting to assume their woman has only ever ‘done that’ a few times, if any at all. Those fantasized scenarios of a gal being lesbian prior to meeting a man, having learned bedroom skills in the Sappho garden of delights might relieve a guy of the worry of men coming (and coming) before him, but it’s just not so much real life to wish for such a prior possibility.
But hetero men are not alone in their aching to be Neil Armstrong. Women too want their men to be skilled considerate lovers, knowing full well most men have to learn to be, but at the same time hoping he hasn’t learned from too many! Women as well want their men to have only had a handful of partners (if your hand happens to have three fingers). We hope that some Mrs. Robison Milf might have stepped-in or maybe even our guy read a book to conclude furious friction was not the only way to bring things off. Shouldn’t we just be thankful he’s learned a thing or two about how to please a woman, no matter how many women he’s learned it from!
And don’t think straight guys and girls are the only ones with this worry. Believe me, gay guys and girls wish just as much to be the first, or only one of a few. Be we gay, straight, transgendered or bi when we’re into somebody, most of us want to not only be the only lover for our lover presently…we would perfect that was the fact forever. We know deep down this is an illogical wish and that we benefit from a lover bringing some skills and experience to the table, but still our ego, male, female et al. wants it to be otherwise.
We all start our engines someplace. Just be happy your lover’s track has brought them into your station. Don’t be so concerned with those passengers who got on and off at the stops before yours.

The all too present time machine

I’d advise you the best way to avoid considering your partner’s past (or your own) is to simply stay the f*** away from it! Simple advice I know but in this day and age it might be less your self-discipline here than the time machine we all have at our disposal.
Let’s face it, Facebook and to a lesser extent and any other online people search engine, make it too damn easy to look-up the ex. I’d venture to guess Facebook presently breaks-up more couples than a wild night of a drunken one-night stand. It’s just too easy for any of us to delve back into our pasts these days, or map the progress of our partner delving back into their own, hopping into the time machines that the net provides.
You know the old saying. ‘You can’t go home again’? Well, you certainly can, but figuratively speaking your room has been rented! Nothing good will come of traipsing back in time this way, whether it’s you doing it yourself or you’re chasing after your significant other’s ghosts. So whether you’re using Facebook to turn back the years or just your own brittle rose-colored imaginings, really don’t live in the past when you have a present you’re trying to make with someone. Just because you can travel back in time it’s not a good reason for you, your significant other’s confidence or the state of your relationship to do so.

You’ll never be satisfied

I’m sorry to say, but this is a game you’re never going to win. Even though we all know we look at the past through revisionist history, we hold what has gone before in a certain pristine regard. There is no competing with fly-in-amber like moments; stuff that’s not happening in the here and now doesn’t burb, fart or have a bad hair day. That wonderful girl who smelled of lilacs and honey from long ago doesn’t nag you in your dreams. That truly amazing guy who managed those athletic feats of daring do not’s in the bedroom never makes you roll over into the wet spot now.
You just can’t compete with the past.
It’s a fool’s errand trying to be better than a he or she that went before you. It’s impossible to compete with the exact feelings somebody had for somebody else some time ago. It will drive you batty chasing assumptions and fantasies of moments and action that might not even have ever occurred.
I always liken this to porn in a way (ha ha I seem to liken lots of stuff to porn these days); wherein, the scenes we watch, the hot moments between always erect peni and perfectly pert boobs, the nook and cranny shots of bleached anuses receiving any number of attentions, the interestingly shot angles and flowing action, it’s all captured specifically for maximum effect but it is far and away not real sex in the way any of us have sex. We don’t experience the smells, the chafing, the body farts and even those moments of awkward maneuvering when something just doesn’t fit in the right way. Because porn is not happening in real time it seems perfect, as does our pasts.

In the end when it comes to dealing with his or her past, or even your own, the choices are few. Either let your partner’s former love life eat away at you…or forget it. If you begin down the road of: ‘Who-were-you with’ ‘How many were you with?’ ‘What exactly did you do when you were with him, her, them?’, you’ll never be satisfied or actually might become repulsed by the answers your date/lover/possible-spouse gives you. If you learn that, God forbid, your lady has had more experiences than you; that your seemingly completely gay boy toy has tried some heterosexual sexcapades; that your husband can’t even calculate how many bare booties he has seen in his dating life; that your live-in girlfriend dated the most sultry and dangerous lesbian in town, the feelings of sexual inadequacy will fester to the point you might doubt yourself more than you do already…and like I have mentioned many times here, it is the sexual self doubt we are prodding pasts about isn’t it?
Really we don’t get the option with the people we date, come to hang with, eventually love, to make them have or not have the past we want them to. It’s like shopping at a clothing store that doesn’t offer alterations…we have to take our girl or guy ‘off the rack’. We must as much accept that our significant lovers may actually have been in love before they met us as we have to accept that they may have done some of things they now do with us, or God forbid something kinky they claim they have grown out of but you so damn well wanted to try.
Just get on with it. Be grateful you met this amazing person and make a few memories of your own!


Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Husband, Lover, Past, Sex, Sexual, Sexual Activity, Sexual Attitudes, Sexual Attraction, Sexual Behavior, Sexual Desire, Sexual Experience, Sexual Intercourse, Sexual Life, Sexuality, Sexually Experienced, Wife

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author avatar Violet Ivy
Elite, international escort and author. Sex & fetish stories, advice and adventures shared.

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