I Am Flawed, I am Only Human.

EmpressStarred Page By Empress, 20th Mar 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Columns & Opinions

I have flaws. These flaws make me weak sometimes. Yes, I get angry, hurt, even make me go on a self pity trip. I just wish I wasn't always losing people from my life for having them.

Bad Night

It's been an evening of a great deal of criticism and hurt feelings. Not many people, in fact almost nobody is happy with my writing these days. They are actually telling me how disgusted they are, and how they never realized what a nasty and horrible person I am. My articles are making them rethink me as a friend/family and in the past three hours alone I have lost quite a few friendships and relationships because of it. At first I thought "okay, whatever. Clearly they're not true friends if this is how they're going to be" But as the evening wore on and I grew tired of the countless messages and phone calls I finally sat down here at my computer in defeat. I didn't know what to think or how to feel. I'm still not sure how I should feel about all of it. I guess perhaps I'm in shock right now, or perhaps as they've said, I've become a monster of my own undoing. Cold, heartless, bitter, resentful and full of hate and anger.

Questions

I've now been sitting at my computer for forty minutes. Forty minutes of silence, sitting with my hands on my chin just staring at the wall blankly in silence. I couldn't make a coherent thought spring to mind, nor even an emotion. And then slowly the thoughts began to surface. Slowly I started to see everything in a different light. Yes, my writing has been angry these days of late. I won't deny it, I'll be the first to admit it, to point it out. There for sure is some rage burning deep within me. Isn't that normal? Don't we all have anger, and rage at times? I use my writing for the most part to vent out what I'm feeling. I also do a great deal of physical activities to release. Everything from running to yoga, to dancing. But sometimes, I need to push that anger out through words. Sometimes I have to say what it is that is causing me such feelings, and if I don't it just sits upon my shoulders like the earth itself and pushes me further and further into rage. And it's not like my rage doesn't end with something positive. I always try to end each article with some sort of positive point, a new light upon the darkness. But it seems people don't like to focus on positive anymore. They like to only pay attention to the anger within the piece itself. And then come to me with their own rage, anger, and bitterness towards me. And I'm left confused.
Why? Why is it okay for them to come to me and vent all their anger, all their rage? Whether it be about me or someone/something else, it's always okay to come to me. And I do encourage it. I want to help. But I just don't understand why me venting out is so much more different. I can't help but wonder why me being angry or hostile a bit within my writing can change how people view me as a whole person. It happens so often that I'm almost used to it. Yet each time it happens all I can do is sit there in silence and wonder the same things all over again. Is there really such a difference between them and me that they are allowed to be angry but I am not? I constantly get accused of being "saintly" or "too good to be true". I don't know how many times I've been called perfect. None of these words have I ever used on myself. I'm human. I err. I make bad choices and decisions. I have and will make big mistakes that need correcting in my life. I have a heart that feels both dark and light. A brain that thinks both good and bad. Some days I wake up wanting to cry and other days nothing gets me down. Yes, I get angry.

Wanting Acceptance

My entire life it has always felt like I get chastised for being anything other that chipper, positive and happy. It's been internally programmed into me to hide all anger, all sadness, all negative feelings from the world. And it's instances like this one this evening that have caused me to do so. I just can't understand why I can't be angry sometimes. Why I can't just be human and feel all my emotions. And the worst part is, that the more I'm chastised for having any anger, for venting, even for crying, the worse it gets. The bigger it grows. My anger is gone now. At least, a good portion of it. I lost my cool, was irritated and annoyed and needed to open a vent and air it out. To which I did, and was very proud of it as well. And as I suspected and predicted in the back of my head, my venting was met with pure hatred, hostility and anger towards me. I have been judged, convicted, and executed by those "loved ones" yet again.
I feel an inner pain growing in place of the anger now. This whole situation has just opened some other scar within my heart. I know there is a great deal of people out there that would say "who cares what others think" and they are completely right. I don't really care what others think. But, it's a long lonely road when everyone seems to think that you are not worthy in their eyes. Actually, to go from being they're not worthy of me, to I'm not worthy of them. It's heartbreaking to forever wait for the other shoe to drop. Wait for the ones you care about to see a flaw in your design and toss you in the trash. It's not about caring what others think of me, it's not about fitting in, or being popular or well liked. It's about being accepted. It's about not being cast away at the slightest sign of weakness. It's about being loved for who I am, inside and out, flaws and perfectness.

Not Good Enough

To be loved and accepted for who I am in all my flawed and imperfect glory. That's my greatest desire. My greatest wish. And yet, with each time that someone sees I have weakness and they walk away, my heart sinks lower. My soul seems to die just a small bit each time I lose another person.
I live in constant fear of rejection. Constantly sitting on pins and needles, waiting for that moment that the next person sees I have a flaw and walks away. It's a pattern. And although I am forever trying hard to think positive and believe that this time is different, it always ends up happening. This time, my writing caused it to happen on a grander scale. I can count nearly a dozen friends that have spit on me, kicked me in the ribcage and walked away tonight. A dozen people that though, were not entirely close to me, were still people I have helped, cared for, done so much for that have decided I am too weak, not good enough for them.

Self Pity

I wish there was a positive note to this article. I wish I could find something good, something happy to lift my spirits and help me heal from this. Unfortunately, tonight won't be a healing night. Tonight will have to be a night of silent pain and contemplation. And yes, a tiny bit of self pity. I have to admit it. Although we all say it, "stop feeling sorry for yourself" and we all express our disgust in other people doing it, we all in fact do it from time to time. This is what makes us human, our emotions, our feelings. When you can't express them, demanded not to feel them, you will slowly die. I have had love withheld from me, I have been demanded not to feel anger, or hostility, or anything negative. I have been commanded to love and forgive always, to dance and be merry and never cry. I have been given an expectation that I will never reach. An unattainable goal that I do not wish to ever reach. I just want to be me. I want to feel all feelings, I want to be loved, I want to be human. Will it ever happen? Is it possible to finally be accepted as having flaws? As being weak?

Tags

Flaws, Hurt, Hurt Feelings, Hurtful Acts

Meet the author

author avatar Empress
I write and have published poetry and was editor of the school newspaper all through highschool. I can write a variety of different genres from articles to novels

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Comments

author avatar Mark Gordon Brown
20th Mar 2014 (#)

When we write personal articles as opposed to factual ones (like how to boil an egg) we put ourselves at risk so must be emotionally prepared to deal with flack.

Society wants to dictate to others how to be, live, think, and write. Do not let it bother you. but if it does, do not write about those things that might cause problems.

Take care.

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author avatar Funom Makama
20th Mar 2014 (#)

Nice piece here, but I totally second Mark Gordon on this... Just try to be positive, leave a fulfilled life... Everyone makes mistakes and everyone in one time or the other passes through all you just wrote here, but the victory is on staying strong and believing in yourself... The S.I unit of love is 'YOURSELF' and if you can do that, life will be a lot easier and better for you.

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author avatar NiteMonster
20th Mar 2014 (#)

Continue to just be human. Flaws and all, it's the most perfect and beautiful thing we can be. Relax. You're doing fine.
:-)

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author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
20th Mar 2014 (#)

Interesting post!

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author avatar cnwriter..carolina
21st Mar 2014 (#)

I guess you need to be kind to yourself...and stop judging...the best thing is to laugh at all the silliness life brings not only to you but all of us...when you laugh at it it loses all its darkness....

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author avatar Empress
21st Mar 2014 (#)

Thank you all for your kind words. I write because it is an outlet for me. I love to write and I use it to get my emotions out without causing too much of a an uproar. But sometimes there are not always the positive of pieces.

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