I Am The Maiden...

Lisa Partee By Lisa Partee, 23rd May 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Essays

I am so grateful that I finally understand that my reality is not solely what I can see...I can close my eyes and see.

I Am The Maiden...

This is the view from my front porch…what if it were my only reality?

….I slowly close my eyes and start “listening” to the to the voices that always seem to be whispering in my head. I start to think about Joan d’Arc…her voices started when she was 13. Her voices gave her a message and a mission so epic, so crucial, so divinely inspired-who could even believe…? In my mind’s eye, I saw her charging forward, called and compelled by her convictions… her banner simply saying, Jesus. I continue imagining her, in borrowed garb, shouting, “…we must fight them…even if they hang from the clouds…!” I’m sure if she looked to her left or her right there would be so much blood…I know there were those around her that didn’t believe as she did; full of doubt and misgivings. I wondered what it would be like to be such a natural luminary…possessing a light so bright?

(rewind to two years ago…) One early morning, when the stopping of the drugs was very new, I was getting OliviaGrace ready for school. I said to her, “Mommy is going to tell you a story, and I want you to listen very carefully…” I started telling her about the Maiden Joan d’Arc…I told her how Joan believed, how she fought, how she did not stop, how even with an arrow having pierced her neck, she pressed forward for Truth…we were late to school that day, but it didn’t matter. I knew she had learned more in those moments with me than she probably would all day. As I look back, I don’t think I was telling that story for her…I was telling it to me.

(present time…) I open my eyes and see that the seen hasn’t changed much…it feels like a visual sinkhole, threatening to suck me and everything I love and believe into it; it hungers for my hopes and dreams…it wants my children, it wants my sobriety, it wants my meaning and my purpose, it wants my babies and their babies’ futures, it wants me to be so angry, it wants me to hate, it thrives on nightmares and sadness and isolation… it wants my life. I can almost hear the lost souls screaming from that ravenous vortex…! I don’t want to go in there!!

I take a deep breath and close my eyes again…I start to recite my daily mantra: Lord, I want a new life and I don’t want to look like anything I have lived so far…I need beauty…” I remembered taking OliviaGrace to the bus-stop in the days following our story time. I wasn’t so refined back then. (smile) I would say, “You rollin’ with Joan’s ass today, baby?” And my little beauty would raise her tiny brown fist in the air and say, “I’m a CRUSADER, momma!” I am starting to believe that if one gets quiet enough and open enough to hear the groanings of the soul, it will tell us exactly what needs to be done. I believe that God knew in order for my soul to get well, I was going to have to learn how to battle.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith,with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

I am not strong everyday. And most often, I look nothing like a Crusader. I accept that I am powerless over so much…but I am so grateful and rejoice in the One who has all Power! That will be the Glory to the Story! So when the days come that I see the powers of this world threatening to pillage or plunder any of the gifts that I have been entrusted with, I will swiftly upraise my standard that simply says, “Jesus” and move forward crying, “…in God’s name (I) must fight them…even if they hang from the clouds…!”

I stand cool and composed before a million universes today and proclaim that I am going to get off this block one day. And I pledge not to carry it’s spirit with me into my future. And if I die before that momentous day comes, my prayer is that I will have at least taught my babies how to close their eyes and see.

I am the Maiden…

Lisa P.

Tags

Addiction, Children, Dreams, God, Hopes, Joan Darc, Prayer, Reality, Recovery, View, Women

Meet the author

author avatar Lisa Partee
My name is Lisa and when I wake up in the morning, I think about writing...everything I look at throughout the day tells me a story...and before I go to sleep at night, I thank
God for this "gift".

Share this page

moderator Mark Gordon Brown moderated this page.
If you have any complaints about this content, please let us know

Comments

author avatar Mark Gordon Brown
23rd May 2013 (#)

By living frugally, and saving money, a person really can change their life. It can take years, but it can happen.

Reply to this comment

author avatar Stella Mitchell
23rd May 2013 (#)

Don't give up dear Lisa . The victory is in sight , and praise will breakthrough far quicker than fighting . God has you covered , as you are hid in His great might .
Be encouraged ...You are on the winning team .
God bless you always .
Stella ><

Reply to this comment

Add a comment
Username
Can't login?
Password