Infinite Monkey Theorem

GV Rama Rao By GV Rama Rao, 8th Jan 2016 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/m59ujk7t/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Columns & Opinions

Since I wanted my first piece of writing of 2016 to be wonderful, lovely, beautiful and to earn me many laurels I took some time to find a suitable subject.

My first piece for 2016.

First, I want to wish all my friends at Wikinut A HAPPY NEW YEAR and a smashing success in writing.

While kick-starting my writing for the year, I thought no subject can be better than our ancestor—the monkey. The recent antics of the politicians in the year that went past reinforced my idea.

Since it is the first piece for the year I wanted it to be a high-brow topic, earth shattering or, at least, thought-- provoking and teasing the grey cells of my readers and distractors alike. I wanted my blog to bring bouquets or brickbats in bushels.

The Infinite Monkey Theorem fitted my scheme to a T. In clear terms it states, "A monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare."

In this context, "almost surely" is a mathematical term with a precise meaning, and the "monkey" is not an actual monkey, but a metaphor for an abstract device that produces an endless random sequence of letters and symbols. Variants of the theorem include multiple and even infinitely many typists, and the target text varies between an entire library and a single sentence.

This theorem, neither proved nor disproved so far, provided a challenge to me. I decided to conduct an experiment to test its veracity braving any problems that might come in my way. First, getting a monkey near a keyboard is no cakewalk as the government regulations for use of primates for research has become stringent. The activists for the rights of animals have been strident in their protests and will stage a raucous protest before my house.

However, I am confident of finding a reasonable few among the protestors and convincing them of my honorable intentions and promising not to cause any physical harm. I can get a monkey in my house, but getting it to the Computer room and next to the desktop is the second daunting task. Of course, prudence dictates to lock up the laptop in a secure place.

I thought of the well-tested carrot and stick method. Here again, the carrot is a metaphor, for I am not sure the simians eat, let alone relish carrots. Bananas long and yellow type specially grown in South America for the supermarkets in the USA would be ideal for the purpose.

Hanging bunches of these along with some other fruits may induce my simian subject near the PC. A screen saver of an adorable monkey of the opposite sex merits consideration as an additional incentive.

After luring the subject to the computer room and the PC, the next problem is to get it in the chair before the system. Here, ergonomics comes into play. If the monkey were to type the entire works of the Bard of Avon, the least I should do is to make it comfortable throughout the experiment. The chair needs adjustment to the height of the subject as a primary procedure.

The next problem or step would be to get the animal into the chair. I think, if I keep another chair identical to the first one and jump into it in the way a monkey would do, it is likely to induce the subject to imitate me.

Extrapolating the idea, keeping a second keyboard or a keyboard and a monitor identical to the first set and for my use will give me an added chance to succeed.

Presuming all the above steps mentioned above produce the desired results, my friend the monkey would be all set and ready to start the experiment.

Here again, the animal may occupy itself with the bananas and leave the keyboard alone. I will have to show immense patience as any attempt to hurry up the subject may be counterproductive. In case the monkey takes its sweet time, I should teach it that eating bananas and producing literary masterpieces can go together. Today we do much of multitasking. I am sure our ancestors must have been equally adept at it.

I will take a bite of the fruit and start typing with my fingers dancing on the keyboard. The better the dancing, the more are the chances of my friend in the adjacent chair following the suit.

Now, I usually smoke to let the creative juices to flow and to extend my stamina for writing. Spending long hours at the keyboard without regular inputs of coffee and cigarettes and a bottle of my favorite elixir JW B/L (if it is after sundown) is a Herculean task for me. I suppose it would be so for my simian friend, but I do not know whether he smokes or prefers tea to coffee. Serving whiskey to simian would be the dumbest idea.

Perhaps, before the experiment, it would be wise to teach the simian keyboard manners: lighting a cigarette, use of the ash tray, stubbing the cigarette, drinking coffee and depositing the coffee cup carefully in space for it.

After going through all the effort, I hope the final product will be something phenomenal. I am confident of conducting the experiment. I'm equally sure my subject will produce a fantastic page turner that I will claim to be my own and get the Man Booker award for 2016.

May I request all my readers to wish me luck in my efforts?

Wikinut is the best site to post one's writing and hone one's writing skills with the help of a friendly community of writers.

I have not attached any pictures, nor formatted it as prescribed in Wikinut intentionally for I had given up the idea of picking up a star which, anyway, is not a mark of quality.

My readers may like similar blogs about writing in my pages.
1. Jay writing.

Tags

Awarded Entry, Awards, Love, Loved, Lovely, Luck, Luck And Success, Man Booker Prize, Monkey, Monkey Business, Monkey Management, New Year, Shakespeare, Theoretical Concept, Theory Of Evolution, Wikinut, Wishes, Wonderful, Wonderful Creation, Wonderful Feeling, Writer, Writing, Writing Articles, Writing Tips

Meet the author

author avatar GV Rama Rao
I am a retired naval officer and a published author with three books to my credit. I am a winner of nanowrimo competition for 2008,9, &10. I like humor best..

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Comments

author avatar Md Rezaul Karim
10th Jan 2016 (#)

Interesting, funny and well written article to go through.. Wishing you a good new year ..

Reply to this comment

author avatar GV Rama Rao
10th Jan 2016 (#)

My dear Md Rezaul Karim,
Welcome to my pages and thanks for your comment and wishes.

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author avatar spirited
13th Jan 2016 (#)

Unfortunately for you, the Nobel prize has already been won for proving this theorem as bunkum by none other than Homer Simpson, on an episode of the Simpsons.

Great idea though!

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author avatar 狼1号
27th Sep 2017 (#)

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