Just Because I Have To....

Deborah Judges By Deborah Judges, 6th Feb 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/pz3fe5sp/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Diaries

Trying to write something everyday so that I can stay "thoughtfully limber".

The Journal of Journals

Well I have ten minutes left on February 5th 2014 to write in my journal. Who am I kidding? It will definitely be the the 6th of February by the time I get into any rhythm and get the thoughts hurdling onto the screen.

I have said before I have kept a journal [/link[/link]on and off for 38 years. They are stored all over the house. Sometimes I am looking for something totally different and I'll open a drawer or box and there will be a journal laying there just waiting. Most of them are from when I was healing from some life Tragedies and going through therapy, But there is one Journal I love to find the most. It is a journal where I wrote about how in love with my husband I was. The words seem like someone else wrote them. I wonder and marvel at how much I loved my husband at that point in time. He was a soldier in the Army and he was my first true love. The words I used to describe my love for hime were so loving that they jumped off the page at you!

I have also found Journals that I think to myself.'"that just cannot be me that wrote that!", but indeed it was. Some are so full of depression and sadness that I wonder how I made it through all those tormented years. Well, let's see, some of those years have been very recent. But I did make it through and even though I know that my diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder (one of a few mental health problems I have been diagnosed with)means that Depression is sure to return I know God is right here with me and I know he is the real reason I keep making it through. In one particular Journal I pray to God and beg him to let me come home. As you can see His answer was, no!

I also have a Journal for dieting. I talk about how much I've lost or gained what caused each to happen and pretty much tell myself over and over in the Journal that I have to be 135 pounds. The specialist in dieting says I should weigh between 118-143 But a long time ago a really mean Army doctor told me I was too fat and I needed to get my weight down to 135 and so because of the trauma that went along with being told what I should weigh my mind cannot let go of the fact that I MUST WEIGH 135 pounds. Even though the Specialist said I was still within my limits at 143 that is just not an acceptable number to see come up on the scales. I want to see `35 or below every time I weigh on a scale. I kept my weight down with the way of dieting that worked for me and I did stay at 135 or below for the last 12 years. Until May of 2013 when my body betrayed me and gained weight rapidly after being put on a medication I absolutely have to take! Here in 2014 i am determined to get the weight back off. Now see most people think I look healthier now than I did when I was 135 but even so 135 is what my mind will accept as a appropriate weight. (or less). This year my diet journal is filling up fast! The weight I am now is caused by a side effect of a medication and that kind of weight usually doesn't leave until you get off the medication. Unfortunately, I have to be on the medication. As you can tell by the length of this section about dieting, I have a problem with dieting. If that diary every were to be published the crazy thought processes would entertain readers for sure, but they are not very entertaining while your stuck in a thought process that just goes on and on with no end. I surely don't want my daughter to ever read it and I wouldn't ever want it to be made public!

The journal I will have to burn before I die, is the journal where I started my sexual prime. There are lots of entries in that book, it is a big journal and full of descriptive words. I am not ashamed of that Journal it is just the most secret part of my life and I don't want it to be amongst the things that are sorted out after my death, Some parts of it remind me of the movie "Bridges of Madison County" Except i had been separated from my husband for a long time. But there was one man that taught the heights of pleasure that were unknown to me until my early 40's. I guess you could say if the Journal were to be published it would have to say something about sexual addiction on the inside cover and the ending wouldn't be as great as the beginning was. Yes, indeed that Journal has to be burnt!

I have another Journal of when I was first diagnosed with Post-Partum Depression. I let the depression go untreated and it became Post-Partum Psychosis. I quickly sought help when the psychosis hit. Sometimes the sentences are just fragments of thoughts. Those were very dark days that stole my joy and left me unable to cry again (unless a great tragedy occurred like a death in the family). I still do not cry. Sometimes I feel like if I could just cry, (I mean just sob!) that when it was over I would be a whole new person. I hate it when the feeling wells up in me but there is no emotional release to alleviate the heightened feelings,I really miss crying. I think if I were to be able to cry again I would cry once a day, I think I would choose bedtime prayer time to cry. I feel the greatest emotions when I pray and the feeling of God being close to me is in itself a reason to cry.

Most of my journals are full of days that I felt great emotions. A few are ordinary everyday entries like these are here on this website. I hope that if I die suddenly and are found someone with great discretion would Put them together where it might make a coherent .book. I believe I'm doomed to be a writer whose literary genius is discovered after my death. I feel very akin to Emily Dickinson, the famous poet, where all of these beautiful poems are gathered after my death and I never know if anyone liked what I wrote while I was alive.

Speaking of Poetry that would be my final Journal and I wish that the poems from youth to my death could be published. It would reveal a myriad of thoughts and emotions streaming through a lifetime. Except I am very, very much like Emily Dickinson and there are everywhere around the house in books, boxes, bibles and bags and one even hangs in a place of honor at a friends house. One I wrote for a friend who told me the woeful tale of her life with her husband and how much she wanted to breach the gap between them. Unfortunately, that piece was so powerful that instead of working the way she wanted and breaching there gap opened the door to the road that led to their divorce.I don't know if she still has it, it allowed her to share her pain and grief with her husband but his inability to understand her or the poem made things worse. So, if I was her I would have burned the poem, That was almost 22 years ago, but I will ask her if she even remembers the poem the next time we chat via Facebook messenger.

Well like I said at the beginning of this post it would be the 6th when I finished this page and it has already yielded over an hour of the day to me just so that I could make sure I wrote a page a day.I'm in my favorite snuggle spot in the bed and I will sleep with my laptop next to me. (Me and it...against the world and beyond!). I have discovered I am a better writer in the late evening. Most writers have a glass of wine to relax them and let their work be uninhibited by the world's view of what they deem acceptable. Myself I have Ambien CR and a Klonopin. Seems to do the trick just as well....


Discipline, Writing Gods Gift

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author avatar Deborah Judges
I I have kept Journals on and off for 38 years. Sometimes the words. thoughts and feelings fly from my mind to the page; just streaming through my fingers.

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author avatar Retired
6th Feb 2014 (#)

I enjoyed reading your thoughts.

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author avatar TriciaL
6th Feb 2014 (#)

What a great thing to write and be able to pour your heart into journals. They can always be treasured.

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