Little secret

sattva By sattva, 25th Oct 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Tragedy

Just a story out of imagination. Nothing is connected in anyways to real life character or life.

Her first love

Her first love

8 September 1986, at about 12.53PM, with extremely cute feature, a girl was born to a wealthy but stingy dad and a naïve sweet mum. Little did the girl know on the path that she is soon to travel.

Flowing with extreme cuteness, everyone who saw her loves her and wants to bring her home. All she knows was to smile all the way and laugh all the way.
While growing up, she seems to notice the crack in her parent’s marriage a little too much for her age. She could not understand but as years pass by, the constant shifting between grandmother’s house and her dad’s house gave some answers to the riddles in her head.
During her primary school, she grew up alone though she had an elder sister as she was away with her grandmother. She was the love of her dad. His favorite child. His dadu. But of course his selfishness and material world was far more important than to care for his children or to love his wife.
After several quarrels, the final separation happened when she needed her parents most. She had to go through her secondary school alone. The thought of standing by herself to register for her class while all her friends were with their parents still haunts her. That was the day she knew what it means to be independent.
Her mum worked in kindergarten to support herself and her sister’s education. Secondary school was fun until she knew the meaning of love. She told herself, regardless of what happened, studies is utmost important. She was smart, there was no need for extra tutorial yet she was mentally searching for her the lost dad figure in her life. When she first fall in love with a boy at the age of 14, she thought that will be it. She will study hard and graduate together and have her own happy family one day. But of course she was so naïve and didn’t know life has different things in place for her.
Years passed by, the young couple had lots of ups and downs. Some mentally touchered her, some gave her happiness. Reality of the world slapped her when the she separated with him due to higher studies. Of course, for the world it’s called puppy love. It just not meant to be. But no one knows how strong she was with her love. How hurt she was with the break ups. She tried to suicide, yet she had no courage. She went on to be strong and to move on with her life with just memories. But mind you, her studies were not affected. She still keeps to the promise that she made to herself.

The separation of her parents

When she was in higher secondary, she gathered her courage to talk to her dad after few years of separation. She loved him but she was afraid of him. She had to meet him. The main reason was love. She also needed his support for her tuition fee. The moment she went to him, he only said that she came for money. Now that shattered her. Even her own dad doesn’t understand her. At the moment she was trying to apply for Medicine College so that she could be with her love of her life. Her dad did promised, she got a place but than her mum filed a divorce. That was when everything was coming to a better end for her. The divorce sparked her dad’s anger and he refused to pay for her higher education. That’s when she had to go through her break up, the divorce pain and a dead end to her education.

She went through her second depression. She was really heartbroken. No one saw the pain she had. Everyone thought it’s just about her hanging studies. Why isn’t there anyone to notice her heart? Isn’t life supposed to be more of emotions than physical? Aren’t we supposed to treasure the moments and feelings more than material world?

Mum’s her world

After separating, mum has been her world. Her mum worked several different odd jobs to support her. Finally after few years, her mum managed to open own business and with that she managed to send her eldest daughter to study medicine with the help of her younger brothers.
She could not ask her mum to support her to do medicine as well as her mum could only afford the expense for one daughter. Why is it that she always can’t get what she wants? She decided to settle for something her mum could afford. She did her foundation right in her hometown to reduce the burden of her mum. She kept herself busy to forget the pain she went through. She worked part time and during this time she fell in love again.

Again she thought this could be the one. The search for the missing men in her life was supposed to end.

Her next chapter

She was going on strong with her choice of men. She encouraged him to study. She supported him in all ways. When she went to further her studies in another city, their relationship suffered and to cut the story short, they separated. She suffered a lot as the guy did not want to leave her and touchered her mentally. She start hating love as she thought she always choose the wrong person. She knew the search will continue but put a full stop to the search.

At that point, she contacted a friend, whom she thought a friend. She knew she had broken his heart before by refusing him but who else can she rely? Her family bonding was not strong. But little did she knew, he was not the friend she knew once upon a time.

Few years later

After going through broken relationships and broken promises, she decides to put a full stop to her search for true love. She concentrated on her studies. She starts to work. She tried to keep herself as busy as possible. She laughed for everyone. She cries in the dark due to the scars in her heart. Her mind practically blocked the number of years she went through, suffering alone, wearing a happy mask for others.

She is now 28 years old. She is old enough to start her own family. But she is lost in time. She is lost in her own sad world. From the small girl who used to smile and laugh all the way, she turned to be a loner, an angry person. She could not be with her family as staying with them only caused quarrels. She is to be blamed for everything. She tried to stay away from home as much as possible.

Yet one fine day she had to return to her hometown due her job situation.


It’s always her who gives so much of her feelings and time and care for the person she loves. She just expects them to be loyal and return the love but of course this world is full of fake people. And the constant hurt and rejection has caused her to be what she is now. She have made her heart to be stone like, to forget what it feels like to be loved, to forget what it feels like to be happy, to forget what it feels like to have emotions. She was going on well putting up drama of happiness for the people around her. No one saw through her eyes on the pain she collected growing up from broken family and broken heart. She knew she can’t go on pretending this way for too long. She knew she had to gather her courage to leave this place.

That was the time she found someone. Just at a glance she thought she was having a dejavu. Yet her mind tells her its all illusion. There are no such things. No one will ever be true. No one deserves her love as it’s in the purest form. She doesn’t know how or when she fell for that person. She doesn’t know if it’s right or wrong. All she wanted is a blessed marriage and she somehow could not pass by this particular person. When she was working, she met few people and she managed to reject them knowing they were not the one. Knowing she doesn’t want to be hurt all over again. But why such a strong feeling for this particular person? She wonders.

As time goes by, she was unsure and afraid. She knew she can’t face rejection of failure one more time. The loss she had was too much to bring in a new one. She doesn’t know if her love will succeed at the end. But she knows she can’t go on dreaming a happy life. She is certain happiness and her are far away. Yet she cared for this person. There is just something that changed the stone heart of hers. But now the feeling is back, she is so afraid that it’s going to hurt her again. She knew for her, that person meant the whole world but it’s all her feelings. She felt connections which she never had felt before with anyone. She prays sincerely for this person. The best part is they have never met before in person. She only loves this person’s heart.

Perhaps this was the true feeling she was searching before. She was happy to not eat, she was happy to spend each second of her life for this person she adores. Knowing time is limited, she tried to her best to be happy at least for this true feeling she ever longed her entire life for.

The Decision

She has decided. She knew her heart and soul wants to live with this person but judging from past she is also very much afraid of losing this person. She knew when the moment comes; she won’t be able to take it. She has decided to end all the mental suffering she went through.

Her existence doesn’t seem to matter to anyone. Maybe not even to the person she loves more than anything. It might sound like a dream to all, but she knows where he stands in her short lived life. She will continue to dream after her death. Hopefully she will. Death would have been much easier if she have not known this person but maybe it’s a small gift from god to taste the purest of love before she departs. Just, maybe.
Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. To love somebody isn’t just a strong feeling. It’s a decision, a judgement and a promise.

People asked why? So many others went through harder phase is life, and why for this little things she wants to chose this path? She knows but she can’t take the pain. There is just so much that she can take. It’s not every single thing can be explained in words. Sometimes the tears shed every night, the wee hours in the morning she wakes up, the emptiness in her heart is just not describable. The journey can only be felt by her and her alone.

These are just the told stories of her life. There are many more untold events which is not worth mentioning as some events are just a black mark in life.
As time goes on, you’ll understand. What last, lasts; what doesn’t; doesn’t. Time solves most things. And what time can’t solve, you’ll learn to solve by yourself. (Haruki Murakami)

Tamil: Aasai Aasai Køndu,Oøsai Oøsai Indri,Naalum Naanum Varuven,Kødi Kødi Yugam,Naadi Naadi Vanthu,Ševai Ševai Puriven. Till we meet in heaven.

Death is not the end. It’s just a beginning of a new life.

This story is written wholly from my imaginative. None of the above relates to any living object or human. Writing is passion for some, a tool of reflecting their inner issues for some.


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author avatar sattva
I am into creative writing currently and anything that comes along the way...

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author avatar AjaySinghChauhan
25th Oct 2014 (#)

very interesting, thanks for sharing it with us

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author avatar sattva
26th Oct 2014 (#)

Ajay you are most welcome

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