Love, To Me....?

Empress By Empress, 3rd Mar 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Columns & Opinions

I find myself contemplating love. What is it? How does it feel? So many questions that ramble through this far too full mind of mine.

What Is It?

I've been doing a great deal of thinking lately. Such is the life of me. Unfortunately my brain rarely shuts off so my thinking can at times feel draining and exhausting. I carry a big black journal in my purse wherever I go these days. This way the thoughts that I have can easily be written down so that later I have a chance to look them over and see if I have anything worthy of writing about. I have noticed when looking over my thoughts that the words love, tired, and hiding come up quite often. These are the words that plague my mind, they are the deepest thoughts at the deepest part of my soul and they continually cause me to overthink everything. Today, however, I am more hung up on love. On what it is, if it is anything at all, and how best to describe it, know it, feel it, or even say it. Love, to me is a lost concept. Something that I've felt only a small fraction of my life, and it is something that has never been bestowed upon me. I do love, but I have never had the luxury of feeling that love in return. So does that make my love mute and void? Does it make me, as a person, lesser because of it? And what is there about me that seems undeemable of being loved back? Am I not deserving? Am I not worthy? Have I been born into a world that can not or will not love me? Or is it, that my time for love has not come, that I am truly destined for a love bigger and more special than my mind can even dream up?

It's Unique

As I write these words, I know I should feel sad, at a loss, and possibly broken by the fact that I must ask myself and all of you these questions. Instead, I feel disconnected, almost empty from the feelings and emotions I know I should be feeling. Something deep within me tells me that everyone feels this way at times, that there is always someone such as myself that is looking in the mirror and asking themselves these very exact questions. So instead of looking for the answers to them, I will instead try to define what my personal definition of love would be. Because as it has been written, and said, love is different to each person. Sometimes you are lucky enough to find someone that agrees with, or has the same definition as you, but everyone is unique and different therefore love is unique as well.

My Personal Definition

The love I believe in, the true definition to me is quite simple. It's eternal. It never dies. It may change form, or shape, it may be ugly at times, and beautiful beyond words at other times, but it never dies. It is at the core of every soul, it is what drives us to be the person we are for others and for ourselves. And there are many different kinds of love. The love I have not felt returned to me, nor have I truly felt for someone else is the best, the strongest love there is. It is the love that creates you, that makes you the strongest, and best version of yourself possible. It can move mountains, it can cross oceans. There is no obstacle too big, too deep, or too strong that it can't burst its way through. It starts as a small spark in the deepest parts of our hearts and grows, fueled by nothing more than emotion. It will ignite something within ourselves that causes us to become alive, will light the darkest corners of the darkest parts of us and free us from the cage of our own making. This to me is love. It's that feeling you get when there is nothing you can do to help someone and you feel helpless but yet, you want nothing to harm them in any way. When that person is your last thought when you fall asleep at night, and your very first thought when you awake in the morning. You would do absolutely anything for them irregardless of whether they love you back or not. To me, this is love.

Unloved Background

Now that I've defined the terms of love as I believe they are.....is it possible to gain it? I suppose that yes, there is. As everyone who has ever known me knows, it's not like I am fully without love. I have my children, who will love me unconditionally until the end of time. Of course, this isn't the type of love I truly speak of. Nor is the love of family, of which, I have to sadly admit I have never received. I've been an unloved person within the world my whole life. And I don't just say it based on my own personal feelings either. I say it based on true facts. I was given up by my mother at 3 years old, told straight out that she didn't want me nor love me and hoped I would find someone that loved me by means of adoption. I was adopted by my grandparents who in turn would continue to tell me until the day they died that they merely took me out of an obligation to keep me in the family. They felt pity for me. I grew up being cast as the outsider, the scapegoat, and more or less the "bad" one. I was placed into corners, spanked mercilessly, and otherwise punished for nothing more than just being there. I was left alone and abandoned more often than not, and made to be the butt of everyone's jokes. The love that most children will feel and should feel growing up was lost upon me. But I never stopped believing that some day, someone would love me. I've bounced back and forth through relationships since I was a teen. Not just a bad taste in men, but a desperate need to be loved caused me to choose the wrong type that took advantage of the true gift I bestowed upon them and left me abused, used, abandoned, scarred, and cold. I have been a shell of a person my entire life. Unable to even fully accept and be my true self without fear of being even more unloved and unaccepted, if that is even possible.

It's Good

Please don't pity the story that is me. It really isn't sad. It hasn't finished yet. My story has merely just begun to be quite honest. The fact that I sit here and contemplate love is actually a good sign for me. I spent quite a few fruitless years without even thought of it. There was really nothing inside of me. I wasn't just a shadow, or a shell. I was the dead walking amongst the living. I was absolutely nothing, and I felt nothing. So the idea that I can sit here and try to define it, to ask the questions I am, it means that I am not as dead as I once was. I am coming back to life so to speak. It truly is a good feeling. To suddenly feel as if the blood is flowing through my veins again. To see the sun and not shy away to hide in the dark.

Hopefully

Of course, as anyone would be in my situation, I am terrified. I'm usually afraid of new things to begin with, but this is a different type of terror. I've thought in the past, that I was coming back to life, only to find that it was a spell, meant to resurrect some part of me merely so they could drive a stake through my heart as if I was a deadly vampire yearning to suck them dry. Or to find that what I thought was love for me was truly love for another behind my back and somehow rebounding back at me as if in some funhouse mirror. Yes, this has been my story thus far. And so, my friends, you can see why I feel such a terror build up in me when the life begins to resurrect within my soul.
I suppose you must be wondering what the cause of this new found life is. Wondering what or who has caused me to step back into the sun. Well, my dears, I will not say. It is my secret for now. Until I can define it clearly, or at least understand what it is that is truly going on within this aged soul and heart of mind, I will not speak of what it is. What I can say, is that I am no longer slowly dying. I am no longer wilting and fading away into the woven backgrounds of everyone's lives. And it is a marvelous feeling. Perhaps, someday, the definition of love will be a feeling I feel instead of just a bunch of words on a piece of paper or a screen. Perhaps someday, I will finally be fully alive and well and able to walk amongst the rest of you with a genuine smile instead of the mask. Only time will tell.

Tags

Love And Soul, Love Romance Definition What Is It, Loved, Unloved, Unloved Desperate, Unloving And Judgmental

Meet the author

author avatar Empress
I write and have published poetry and was editor of the school newspaper all through highschool. I can write a variety of different genres from articles to novels

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Comments

author avatar Lady Aiyanna
3rd Mar 2014 (#)

The beauty of love is seen when the Stars collide creating the rushes of energy that brings togetherness that fill the heart with the energy and exuberance that betroths God and Nature together as One, just like Planet Earth who revolves around the Sun showing gravity is the only way to stay alive. Gravity of Life is Love.

By Anisha Achankunju (C) Lady Aiyanna 3rd March 2014

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
3rd Mar 2014 (#)

Its something I wrote a short while ago.

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author avatar Empress
15th Mar 2014 (#)

Beautiful words....yet make no sense. Life can not exist without love but gravity can exist without life or love.

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author avatar Empress
15th Mar 2014 (#)

P.S it is not our love that causes the earth to revolve around the sun. It is what it is

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