Me - Desperately Clinging to My Teenage

Tahleel Iqbal By Tahleel Iqbal, 3rd Jul 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Diaries

The fears of a 20 year old, Literature studying female. How being a grownup, especially after college, haunts me and I have no time left to reform the world with my revolutionary ideas, if not with my crude sense of humor.

The End of My World

It's July and like most of the students, I'm on holidays. But for me, it's like the end of the world. And I fully intend to 'live in the moment'. Since the heat barely allows us South-East Asians to step out, I am confined to do what I can do best at home. I stalk everybody I hate on Facebook for an average of 3 to 4 hours a day (yes, I hate them to the point of psychopathy), I watch at least three movies a day (I'm a self proclaimed movie-buff) and I finish a novel every two or three days (I HAVE to finish the stack sitting on my writing table before the end-of-the-world). But that's not even the point (I merely want to emphasize on how cool I am).
My world's ending because my last year of college starts after this summer break. I can see a black hole, somewhere right around June 2014, and it's growing larger every day. The moment I reach it, it’s Armageddon. The darkness shall engulf me and I shall have to bow-eth to it's inevitable conquest over me… Okay that's probably a bit over the top, but that's the gist of how I feel. I have no future, unless you call 'the prospect of marriage' a future, no chance of enrolling in a post-graduate program (I didn't exactly think of a future when my GPA was taking a toll - downwards) and extremely scarce possibilities of a job, since Eng Lit is one of the most sought out majors in fresh graduates. And the fact that I didn't even bother applying for an internship as I was too intent on 'living in the moment' doesn't exactly help my case. Hell, I don't even have an idea for my thesis!
So I have one option left: hope. I know it's not a very comfortable idea, but as they say in Urdu, 'umeed pe dunya qaim hai' (the world exists on the basis of hope - or something of the sort). Hence the plan is to resort to hope and focus on my thesis while everything works out for the best...


Moving On

Not that I want to assert any more on how hopeless my life is, I merely intend to point out that how having an uncertain future leads a person to desperation. The moment you enter school, you have something to look forward to. A thousand different graduations are looking your way, not to forget the constant grinding of parents for good results. But in the miserable life we lead as students, we fail to recognize the lack of responsibility. The work hard - go to a good college - get a good job - live an easy life drill remains intact, however, up till the college part we have our parents as a safety net. True, they'll abash you in front of all the relatives and neighbors of the world, but that's part of the whole deal of looking out for you. The day your college ends, you're a free man, albeit one having panic attacks because he's landed in a frying pan and is constantly ricocheting in order to survive.
Independence is a relative term. It relies largely on the human quality of free-will. When we are being termed as ‘independent individuals’, it’s a subtle way of saying ‘seriously, get a job’. And not only the idea of getting a job, stepping out in a world where everybody treats you as a grownup, scares me. The kind of scare where you want to fail a couple of subjects just to stay in college for a bit more.
Just a few days ago, I dreamt of my old school fellows and my current classmates, all naturally present and having a good time. I woke up with a sick wave of nostalgia welling up in my throat. I wanted to reach out to them that instant and hug them. Or punch them (depending on how much I liked each of them).
So, it’s not about earning money. It’s about getting used to the idea that I won’t be able to laugh at how ridiculously low my friend’s scores were, or teachers throwing me out of class constantly because I couldn’t shut up, or I wouldn’t be able to gossip about who’s dating who (on a second thought though, I think THAT would never end). I’ve seen countless ex-graduates of my university hanging about years after they’ve graduated. That is my original fear. The fear of not being able to move on.


College Student, Coming Of Age, Endings And Beginnings, Female, Grown Up, Humor, Ideas, Inspiration, Relationships, Revolution, Sarcasm, Wikinut, Writing

Meet the author

author avatar Tahleel Iqbal
I am a student of English Literature. I hope to have some faith in humanity.

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author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
4th Jul 2013 (#)

The present and future is in your hands - seize the day - carpe diem - siva

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author avatar Tahleel Iqbal
4th Jul 2013 (#)

I am hoping to, siva, but it's not very easy when you have multiple deadlines looming over your head, don't you think?

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
4th Jul 2013 (#)

Well age is but a number, its all in your mind. You are as old or young as you want to be. It just radiates and reflects in your face and body the same way.

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author avatar Tahleel Iqbal
4th Jul 2013 (#)

You're right and all it takes is the determination to do what you've gotta do

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author avatar Maham
24th Jul 2013 (#)

Well I think there's no such thing as time or age. Its all about your mind and your thoughts

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