Memories unlocked. Part One.

maree By maree, 8th Dec 2010 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/1j-s_g6c/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>True Stories

This is an overview of how rape, and life have affected me.
How over the past 26 years I recorded all my deepest emotions, and now I am ready to share them, years later. It covers my highs and lows. Success at claiming my life back. Achievements and heart break. How to deal with upevil.

Inspiration.

Being a newbie at wikinut, I need to say a big thank you to all the inspiration I have got from reading everyone's interesting articles.

Through reading these, I feel I am ready to start the healing progress, instead of keeping the memories locked away, deep within a very dark place.

I think it is about time I shared them, release all those horrible memories from their locked hidden domain.

Let them fly away into the unknown, no longer burdened with what use to eat away at my very soul.
Giving me nightmares still till this very day.

Occasionally I would speak about what happened to me so long ago, but mainly I wrote all my inner deepest thoughts down in a journal.
Hidden away from sight, for my eyes only.

I always have found writing, a way of releasing all the grap, putting pen to paper, has always been a marvoulous release.
A way to clear my head and trap all those horrible thoughts at a place that couldn't harm me. Then I would just store them away.

This has encouraged me to go and pull out my journals, they have been tucked away, gathering dust, hidden from sight and memory, for way to long.

Now I have become curious I want to actually read what I had written.
Put it all into perspective.
Lifes bad experiences that happened over 26 years ago. So so so long ago,

Yet I wonder sometimes, whether this is why I throw myself into nurturing my plants.
I spend hours, tending to their every needs.
My mind goes into a complete blank, no thoughts can enter, instead I am fill of wonder, and excitement at encouraging my plants to blossom to their full potential.

I just float off to a world of total blizz as I spend hours tending to their every needs.
I get great rewards just by sitting and looking if unable to move, due to ill health at the moment.
The photo of the plant, is very close to my heart, my dear sister inlaw gave it to me as a gift when I made her wedding dress.
Sadly now she is dead. No words need to be said.

Innocence about to be torn.


I lived in Gisborne, a city full of charm. The sun always shone.
I had grown up with no fear, doors weren't locked, everyone knew each other.
I use to ride horses through the township, down to the beach.
My world was safe, or so I thought, until that fateful night.
A little surfy chick, I use to be. Bright, warm and friendly to all that passed by me.

I had travelled the world, been to Aussie, Paris, American, lived a year in England.
All this travelling done at a very young age.
I left Gisborne at 17 to return when I was 21.
In all my worldly travels, I still yearned to be home, this little paradise, you couldn't find any where else in the world.
I had grown to apreciate all it had to offer.
I was quite happy and content with my life.
I was a happy go lucky person, trusting the world and all in it.
I loved meeting new people socally.

No harm had come to me while over seas, I never dreamed that all that would change.
That my quiet little town would be the place I would be violated.

Life was simple and carefree.
I lived on a beautiful hill, no sewerage, a very happy life.
Just a stones throw away from the city.
Yes it was our very own little piece of paradise, only a few scattered beach houses could be seen.
Isolated, and still untouched, I use to wake to the sound of the ocean, smashing its waves on the rocks. The smell of the sea air use to fill my lungs.
I use to love the isolation, swimming and running along the white sand, with my dog.

I was fit and healthy, recovering from surgery,
Who would think that this would help me avoid being raped by a vicious attack.

The day had started as normal as could be.
My partner and I were preparing to set off to the pub, to be with family and friends.
We had a loving relationship, carefree, the world was our oyster. Goals were set.
We use to hit the waves together, windsurfing.
Young as can be, nothing could harm us, as we had each other to protect.
We use to talk of our dreams we would share, about the family that would be.

We were going to see the new year in with a bang.

I was so unaware that the evening would turn out to be a night of terror, horror you wouldn't wish upon your worse enemy
That all my innocence would be ripped from me, that my independence I use to pride, would be stripped away, and take years to return.
That fear would set in on my every turn. No longer would I be able to venture out. Instead a psychiatist would become my closest friend.
That true personality's would rear their ugly head, and a relationship was about to end.

Life was about to become a nightmare, that I would forever live in.
Always trying to escape, and regain my freedom.
From that moment on, I would forever, never be the same.
A new Maree would be born.
I would have a dirty little secret, unable to share, I would be forced to leave my little slice of heaven, never to return.

31st of December 1984

31st of December 1984, a night I shall never forget.

The night started off so right, full of laughter and dancing, catching up with friends.

Instead I saw a side to my partner I couldn't believe, like a snake raising it's ugly head.
A Jealous rage had set in.
My partner starting abusing me with words of hate, bitter and twisted he had become.

I was always a friendly out going individual, because I was born and breed in Gisborne, I was catching up with a lot of old friends.

Instead of him joining in, he started to make accusations of disloyality, that I was flirting , throwing my arms around strangers he didn't know.
When I tried to give him encouragement of my undying love, he just got more drunk and out of control. I tried to defend myself saying I had grown up with these people, they were no threat.
Instead I got pushed around, and started to feel unsafe.

When he finually stormed off home on his own, I was quite relieved.

So I let him leave, I was to independant to follow him and beg for giveness for something I was not guilty of.

I continued to dance on, and enjoy myself, but as the clock ticked closer to mid night, I decided I would walk home and surprise him.
As I thought he was my true love, I wanted to see the New Year in, with the one I loved, as I intended to spend the rest of my life with him.

So I left the pub and started to head home, my path lead me down past the harbour, around the wharf I skipped, slightly drunk, singing out loud, happy at heart.
Dark and secluded it was, the lights shone dimmly in the background, but I still felt safe.

As I continued, I felt uneasy, as if someone was behind me, I started to walk at a faster pace, lumps were starting to form in my throat.
I was terrified to look behind me as panic started to set in.
I started to think, what a stupid humanbeen I was, I quickly sobbered up, and tried to kid myself that I was becoming paranoid.
That it was just dark and a little creepy.
So I stepped up my pace, wishing I could click my fingers, and my dog would pound up and greet me. Guide me home safely.

I started to hear footsteps, coming up behind me, before I knew what was happening, hands were around my throat. Something cold and sharp was pressing into my neck.
I couldn't swolley, the pain was intense.

I turned to face a hideous man, I couldn't discribe as he had his features hidden by an oriential mask.
His hands were thick and huge strangling me and dragging me at the same time to an isoliated spot on the beach.
I felt like a fragile branch, ready to snap, he was strong and huge, like a gorilla, possessed and grunting, throwing me around.

My mind was in overdrive as I tried to think what should I do.
I didn't scream, I was pulling in deep, gathering all my energy, trying to ease my nerves to deal with the situation, as he dragged me backwards, my world came crumbling down.

30-45 minutes of hell.

I kept thinking to myself, this can't be happening, what had I done to deserve this.
I couldn't fight, as he was way to strong, I was like a rag doll, he just kept throwing around.

My only salvation was that I was his first victim, and he didn't expect my reaction, or know how to deal with it.
I didnt react how he had expected and planned.

I didnt scream, instead I talked when he finually slowed down and stopped, throwing me down in the sand.

Instead I yelled at him, and called him all the names under the sun
I screamed he was a coward hiding under his mask, I verbally attacked him, he didnt know how to react.

I thought I was distracting him, by filling his mind with every thing that entered my head,
I told him my dog would come down, as it would of heard my screams. that it would savagely attack him, as it was a doberman.
He knew all this, which caught me off guard.
As I felt sick inside, knowing he had been watching me.
So I changed the plan, informing him then he also would know, that my neighbours could walk down the beach at any moment in time.
My heart was pounding, but I just kept rambling on, determined that he wasnt going to touch me.
I don't know where my strength or calmness came from. As I was like like a spring inside. Wound up so very tight, at any moment I felt I would collapse into a shaking mess, giving up on all hope and life.

He then turned into an angry crazy individual, talking gruff and deep, his voice still haunts me, telling me, getting strength as he saw my fear set in,
He would kill all that approached, he had nothing to lose, that my dog, he could easily just snap it's neck.
He was all forms of evil, his eyes were possessed, unnatural.

He started to rip my clothes, with no respect, so instead I turned on him, and tried to pretend I was unstable, putting thoughts of doubt, within his head.
Screaming, almost foaming at the mouth, there was no way in hell, I would let him violate me, I would kill him, track him down, there would be no place on earth he could hide.
That he would get no pleasure from what he intended to do, that it would be the worst sexual experience, as I hated all men.

By this time he could see my scar, which stretched right across my belly, from an operation I had had not to long ago. So it still looked sore and red.
I reminded him, and made him stop to think, why was I on my own on New Years eve.

I was aware he must off been watching me at the pub, that he had witnessed my partner walking off.
I convinced him, that we were arguing as I had a bad attitude towards men, and used up time, by rambling on what ever came into my head.
I kept thinking if I just could keep distracting him from doing his evil deed, that time would surely be on my side.

I saw he was getting annoyed as things weren't going to plan, even tho I couldn't swolley, from what now I knew was a huge screw driver, he had stabbed into my neck, my arm was throbbing like hell, from his tight embrace, his strength was crushing my arm, I wished like hell, he would just let go.

Even when he slapped me across my face, telling me to shut up, while he could think, it stung like hell, but I still babbled on, reminding him of how much time had passed by.

I then pretended to be his friend and give him a way out,
I assured him I wouldn't tell a sole, that I would just stay here on this log, light a cigerette, so he could see me while he made his escape,
That he could see me as he ran away, that he had to know, that time was running out. that surely he realised, my presence would be missed, that friends would soon start to come looking for me.

I was full of pain, as blood trickled down my check, my arm was throbbing, but finually thank god he let go,

I almost could hear his brain ticking out of control.
Deciding his next move, can you imagine my relief, when he just turned and ran off.

My legs were like jelly, as I tried to rise to my feet, the adrenaline had started to rush, My head was spinning, as I tried to take control of the situation,
I could see the lights from cars passing over the horizon. This bought me back to reality with a thump.

I went into a mad panic, wanting to just run and get away from this place, before he changed his mind and came back.
I started to move, but my legs wouldnt respond as fast as I wanted, I was moving at a snails pace, terrified looking behind me, dreading he would come back, my feet were dragging through the sand, as I struggled but made ground slowly but surely, then suddenly I was sprinting, crying out loud, running for my life,
I wasnt going to stop, I just ran into the road, throwing my arms up, stopping a van,
I saw the drivers shock, as his lights shone on me, bloody, clothes all ripped.

But I was saved. Or thats what I thought

Nothing will ever be the same.


This was just the beginning of my life changing, developments would occur,

Being attacked when I get home from the police station, by a jealous angry partner.
Our relationship would not survive.
My guilt about this, that I should of understood better my partners reactions.
Being stalked by this maniac rapist, determined to continue where he left off.
As he rapes six other women, introducing guns, his thoughts fester inside his ugly head, about how I got away.

Court apperances.

New emotions of fear, and being unable to stay in Gisborne.

My journey of leaving and moving on,

But this is all another chapter I am about to begin.
Watch out for Part two.

Tags

Achieving, Ambitions, Attack, Coping Staegies, Desires, Effects, Hardship, Life, Rape, Recovering

Meet the author

author avatar maree
Due to major surgery in 2009, I was forced to shut shop after 20 years. Determined not to feel sorry for myself I decided to swing the situation around to my benefit.

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Comments

author avatar Denise O
20th Dec 2010 (#)

I am so sorry this happened to you. I too lost my independence for one second longer than the monster deserved to take from me.
Life does get better and they no longer have that hold on us.
I applaud your courage to share your story.
My sister, we do over come!
Thank you for sharing.:)

Reply to this comment

author avatar Denise O
20th Dec 2010 (#)

I am so sorry this happened to you. I too lost my independence for one second longer than the monster deserved to take from me.
Life does get better and they no longer have that hold on us.
I applaud your courage to share your story.
My sister, we do over come!
Thank you for sharing.:)

Reply to this comment

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