My Battle with My Weight

astraldreamer By astraldreamer, 12th Dec 2012 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Personal Experiences

My struggles with my weight and weight loss battle

My Battle with My Weight

I didn't have a good start when it comes to food. I was force fed often so badly sometimes that Id be sick. I was given mixed messages about food and was often called fat and greedy. in junior school i started to hide my sandwiches behind the school toilets. I just didn't want to eat it. Though whenever i was school dinners i would eat all of it but very slowly.

I didn't actually believe i was fat until i was about 17. I had ran away from home and had some good friends but depression set in. Its often said that sometimes things that happen to you as a child may not affect you until you are older. This is what happened to me. I was depressed and was having nightmares and flash backs. I did get counselling but my whole attitude towards my self. My body weight and food totally Changed. I felt fat i thought i Looked fat and at the age of 17 went on my first diet.

It was called the f plan. Basically the aim was to eat high fibre foods so that it didn't stay in my system for too long. I took it too far and was eating only three bowls of all bran a day. I was nick named the all bran girl and people joked about me having all bran and gravy for my Sunday lunch.

Although i was depressed it was not really about my weight. I had just decided i was fat and that i was gonna sort it. There were no tears or food cravings or binging. I was quite happy with what i was doing and i did lose a lot of weight. I look back now and i know i was too thin but back then i didn't see it. I eventually started eating normally again but sadly my weight battles were never far away.

When i was 18 i moved towns and maybe it was the pressure of that and moving into the hostel i had found that aroused the idea of becoming a vegetarian. I told myself it was because i didn't want to be cruel to animals but now I'm wondering was it really because i had read that you can lose weight by giving up meat.

Although i wasn't dieting at the time, i wasn't happy with my weight and some diet book or another was never far from my hands.

I fell in love, got pregnant too quickly and moved into my own flat and had my perfect little daughter, a few weeks later i found a lovely group that was aimed at young adults around my age and luckily they let me join the cooking group and i was allowed to bring my daughter along.

It was a lovely group and it was the place my daughter learned to walk, i spent a lot of time there and even became a volunteer doing office duties, but one careless comment from another adult one day set me steps back into my dangerous eating routines.

I had been stood in the kitchen tidying up after cooking and someone asked me when was the baby due, i was well aware of my flabby stomach but at that moment in time i wasn't too bothered about it.

From that day i began to limit what i ate, without really planning too i know now that i was trying to get back to the routine i had had when i was 17, i wanted to choose a diet, stick to it and succeed, but this time i couldn't do it, i failed miserably at sticking to any diet, id stick to it for a week and then binge on rubbish.

I started experimenting with diet pills and water pills, slim fast, weight watchers, slimming world, you name it, i tried it.

I never made myself sick but years later i realised that i had some sort of eating disorder, instead of losing weight i was putting it on. If i had breakfast i felt guilty about eating lunch, if i had three meals one day i tried to restrict as much as possible the next day, i dabbled with laxatives and eat loads of sugar free chewing gum as i heard that eating too much caused a laxative affect.

No matter what i tried i failed and ate loads of junk foods, obviously to make up for the times i restricted because i was hungry, if i was upset or angry i would eat whole packets of biscuits, cakes and crisps and sandwiches.

When i got pregnant again i ate normally and didn't put much weight on so was OK, i felt ok but as soon as she was born i felt guilty about eating again.

My children never saw my behaviour, i did everything in secret, id eat breakfast with them but would restrict whenever they were at school or nursery, or if i was feeling really guilty i would tell them i had ate breakfast before they woke up.

I always ate an evening meal with them no matter how bad i felt, i didn't want them seeing or picking up my habits. Therefore i felt guilty all the time no matter what i ate.

I just grew bigger and bigger and bigger. I finally went to the doctor and he refered me to a dietitian, that was a joke. She basically tried to teach me about food groups and healthy eating but i knew it already.

Most people who have a eating or weight problem know exactly what they should be eating, with me it was psychological.

Over the years i settled into a eating and restricting routine, i had counselling and went to a eating disorders clinic where they group meetings about mindful eating and it did help a bit but i just couldn't get out of the routine of feeling guilty and restricting and i couldn't stop binging, god knows how many extra calories i was eating each day.

About a year ago on my birthday i became very ill suddenly with aching muscles and extreme tiredness and even walking around the house became a struggle, i couldn't walk to town like i always used to do, i couldn't dance on the wii games and so my weight got higher and higher and higher.

Eventually i decided to join slimming world again. For the first time in years i began to really relax about food, the plan was so easy with so many free food i could eat, i didn't feel restricted.

I loved fruit and on the plan i could eat as much of any fruit as i wanted, it was bliss so easy, i lost almost a stone over the next few months, it was slowly but surely. From that very first week i stopped binging completely and i loved the new changes to my body, for the first time i was beginning to be happier with my self.

Then after almost a year of tests my doctor diagnosed me with fibromyalgia it got a lot worse, i researched in online and read that most people on average put on 2 stone in the first year of diagnosis, i dunno if it was psychological but i started my silly eating again. This time it was different, there wasn't too much guilt attached to it, i simply decided i was gonna eat what i wanted when i wanted.

I didn't start restricting or binge eating again but i did put on almost the whole stone i had lost very quickly, i stopped going to slimming world.

I have only recently started to get my head back in order, the doctor has been pushing me to lose weight because more tests have revealed i have a fatty liver, basically told me if i keep putting on weight my liver is going to turn to fat and will stop working and i don't want to die, i have two young girls to look after.

I plan to take it one day at a time. I will eat what i want but only when I'm hungry, i have good days and bad days and ive found that overall i do manage to lose more weight when I'm eating what i want.

I think once i tell myself i cant have something i avoid it, then eventually give in and eat it, then i feel guilty and then end up eating more of it.

My weight is coming down slowly and i feel relaxed about it, I'm walking when i can and now and again using a i fit vibration machine in my local tanning shop and I'm also taking i slim slimming tablets sensibly. I know I'm definitely on the right track now, although its been a long and lonely road.

If your struggling with your weight don't ever give up and try not to isolate yourself and be lonely.


Diets, Eating Disorder, Slimming, Weight

Meet the author

author avatar astraldreamer
single mum and i love all things spiritual.

i like to write about weight loss too

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