My College Journal

glope018 By glope018, 30th Jun 2015 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/1pak-h52/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Diaries

Just another day of what I go through, see, experience, and feel as a 20 year old college student trying to find purpose in life.

Entry One

6/27/2015 Entry
Today was probably one of, if not THE, most frustrating days of my life.
Why do my parents have to take everything the wrong way? Why am I so resentful towards them? Why do they say I am an adult but treat me like a child? Why do they say I need to learn from my mistakes but make me feel like shit when I actually do make a mistake? Why do they "give" me the freedom to experience life as an adult but always make me feel like I can't truly experience what I want? They have made me fear the idea of making mistakes.
Recap of Today: I no longer live with my parents
I woke up feeling half motivated half frustrated just because I knew I had to do a lot. Nothing unusual. It was just like any other Saturday, except I had to catch up on all my homework from my first week of summer school and do some chores. I went to ask my mom if I could go pick up and return some bottles I had borrowed for an event from weeks prior. She responded "You can do that later, me and your dad have to talk to you". I became annoyed right away. Whenever they have to have to "talk to me" about something, they always become hours long lectures that somehow no matter the subject, lead to a separate conversation about my attitude towards the family and the conversation strays to an abyss of pointlessness.
I walk up stairs into my parents room and my mom tries to ease me into the conversation. "I cleaned your room and found some stuff". I hadn't been in my room for a few days, so I wasn't really sure at first what she meant. I had been spending the night at my friends house because of summer school. But before I could even answer, my dad says "No, let's just cut to the chase. We found all your condoms and all your drug paraphernalia. I found your containers of different marijuana prescriptions, your pipe, your rolling papers, swishers, your lighters, and razors".
Instantaneously, I knew I was probably going to be in the most trouble I had ever been. I could only imagine how my dad felt too. To him, a senior deputy district attorney who was once part of the gang tasks force, who knew the inside and outs of drugs, who saw firsthand what it could do to people, and who tried relentlessly to keep people away from them...he was probably heartbroken to see his own child fall under the pressure of drugs. There was no way around it. There was nothing I could say to change anything or make them believe something different.
I had made a mistake. I knew it. I understood and I could not deny it. All I could tell them, was the truth. I tried to explain to them that these were just things I had mistakenly and immaturely brought back from while living on campus. It was my first year of college and my first time away from home. I joined a fraternity and my first year of college was an experience I would never forget. It was filled with many mistakes but no regrets. I took everything as a learning experience, to better myself, as my parents had always taught me. However, as they continued to lecture me about this huge mistake of mine, I became increasingly defensive.
All they seemed to say was how I always make mistakes. How I never learn. How I continue to mess up. How they are so devastated that I would do something like this. Though they have every right to be mad as my parents, it contradicted everything they had ever taught me. They always said "It's up to you to make the right choice, and if you don't, that is okay, use it as a learning experience". As I was listening to them continuously nag at me. I remembered an example they always taught me. "Imagine a straight road. You come across a T section. The right turn will lead you into the correct destination, but do not fear the left turn, you will end up on the right track, you will just encounter more obstacles. Remember, it is your choice where you go, we are here just to guide you".
I realized it was not my choice to go where I want. Because ANYTIME I went Left I was told I was making the biggest mistake I could have made. I was told I need I need to find God again. I was told that better was expected of me. I was told that other kids go "right" why couldn't I. I was psychologically being told that I shouldn't make mistakes.
What happened to be don't be afraid of failing, learn from your mistakes?....
I was tired. I was fed up. At this point I have blocked out everything my parents were saying. Inside my head I was going crazy. I felt mentally unstable, literally. I completely understood my parents perspective but at the same time completely did not. I wanted to laugh at them because I thought it was funny how contradicting they had been with me for years. Simultaneously, I was filled with complete anger and wanted to yell at them until they UNDERSTOOD ME. I wanted them to understand why I had done what I had done and I how learned from it, rather than them persecuting me for it. I wanted to cry because I felt all my life I could not do right with my parents. In my eyes, I felt it was either I'm doing bad or I am not doing good enough.
Of course, somehow the conversation flew off topic and we began arguing about my attitude towards my family. There was so much commotion going on, it was so hectic, and everyone's emotions were everywhere. My mom was crying, my dad was attacking me, and I'm trying to have them both listen to me. My dad finally asked, "Why do you only treat your mother and I like this, but no one else?"
Finally a chance to explain myself I thought! So I told them the truth. Regardless if I was right or wrong, I was solely telling them my feelings and perspective on things. I went on to explain how even though I am the oldest of four, I am treated the most differently in a negative way, almost as if I am one of the younger siblings. I was never able to do anything at the ages my siblings are right now. I was confined all my life, never able to go out or socialize outside of school. Only to be told that I am on my own now (when I graduated hs) and that I need to learn by myself. My younger brother was given more freedom, a car, a credit card, which were all monumental things for me because I did not receive any of that at his age. Even academically I felt belittled. No matter how many A's or awards I received, they always compared me to other kids or worst of all, themselves. Both my parents grew up in the poorest of poorest neighborhoods and were fortunate enough to both graduate from UCLA, but they used that against me saying I should be doing better if they were able to do it. I was also still being put in "time out" as a middle schooler and I had several other incidents that I never forgot growing up that fueled my anger. In my second year of college I was hired as an intern by a marketing company and I remember thinking my dad was going to be so happy for me as he always made a big deal about doing well in school and gaining experience from work and internships. But all he said was "that's cool" and walked away from me as if it was insignificant. I went on to give them a long list that had been running on my mind for years. For 18 years, I felt like I was never good enough no matter how hard or little I tried. There small negative impact had outweighed all the positive things they had ever done for me and I made sure they understood that. I was sincere and emotional about it, I thought they would see where I'm coming from.
The opposite occurred. My dad became furious. He took everything the wrong way. He was screaming that everything I said was bullshit and that I don't man up to anything. That he can't believe that I think he's done more negative than good. He repeated yelling "Bullshit! This is Bullshit". He took everything I said out of context. When he asked me "Why do you only treat your mother and I like this, but no one else?" I thought giving him a real response was what was best. I thought by being honest, he would see eye to eye with me or at least have a better experience. Yet once again, I made the wrong choice and he labeled me as harsh and brutal.
He said yelling at me , "Fine! Leave my house! You are free to go! You don't think I'm a positive influence in your life?! Take your stuff and leave".

So I left.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

Tags

Alone, College, Confused, Drugs, Entry, Faith, Families, Family, Family Life, Family Love, Family Matters, Family Members, Family Relationships, Fear, God, Journal, Learning Experience, Mistakes, Sex, Short Story, Stress, Student

Meet the author

author avatar glope018
These are writings of my daily life adventures and the accomplishments and struggles as a college student.

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Comments

author avatar SaigonDeManila
30th Jun 2015 (#)

Being resentful comes with being shackled your territory right... be positive and check deeply your chances to straighten up the way your parents wanted you to behave ...parents may be mean many times but are rational than you think they are not.

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author avatar Retired
30th Jun 2015 (#)

It is easy to be resentful towards your parents. You will always be their child though. I hope things work out.

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author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
1st Jul 2015 (#)

You are not alone in feeling this way.

Parents have high expectation of their children. Some try to live vicariously through them too.

I would suggest that you chart out your way and prove that you are a good human being and an asset to society, and that will not only make your parents proud but also give you peace of mind and fulfillment - siva

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author avatar GV Rama Rao
1st Jul 2015 (#)

I don't want to be judgemental nor do I want to take sides. Just remember if you make your bed, you must sleep in it. Think with a clear head before you leave. Good luck, as you're going to need it.

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