My Darkness Unleashed

Empress By Empress, 25th Jul 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Columns & Opinions

In the darkest hours my fears have begun to unfold. The darkest thoughts of my mind seem all but unleashed to play within the light of day. My wings have broken mid-flight and as the darkness consumes me I am plummeting fast.

One Step And The Darkness Unleashed

The journey of a lifetime starts with but a single step. Great words, encouraging, and motivating, and very true. All phrases, all quotes about life can be summed up with mainly optimism, and encouragement. But lately these days I see them from a darker perspective. Yes, each journey starts with a single step, but not every journey is worth that step, not every step is easy to take, and chances are that hard step you take into a possibly dangerous journey will lead you further down a path of misery, self contempt, loathing, and loneliness. Ah yes, the dark mind that I keep locked up has come out to play. I spend so much of my time being optimistic, loving, caring, and all around positive that sometimes I forget to feel the bad feelings as well. They are all part of every person's soul, but I have done my best at all times to erase the negative, to push it down to the depths of the darkest part of me and leave them there.
But now, in light of so many years, so many trials and tribulations it is hard not to allow the dark mind that is me to come out and let herself shine. Of course, I am doing my best to keep her contained somewhat, and allow her to free herself in some sort of positive reflection of me. This is not easy. In fact it is causing a self destruct sequence deep within me and I feel the war between optimism and pessimism brewing heavily within my heart and mind.

The Broken Wings

The darkest of the night holds my deepest darkest secrets. It also holds the key to the darkest part of my soul. This should mean, that by daylight, in the warm beams of the sun I should be light spirited, smiling and happy. And usually that is quite true. Two sides to the same coin. But not anymore. The more my life seems to unfamiliarly change to me, the more that darkness consumes me. I find the night time to be a solace, to curl up in a fetal position under my covers and hold myself. To allow the terrifying fear to consume me and eat away at me. And by daylight I find myself tired and low in spirit. My once bright smile has not cracked my aged face in weeks. The music of my heart no longer allows me to dance to the beat of my life. And how I long to dance again. How my body aches to feel joy and happiness. It is clear, my wings have broken, I can no longer fly.

Falling

My wings broke mid-flight. I know I am falling. The only question going through my head at this point? Shall I stretch out my arms to catch myself, or shall I keep them bound behind me and allow myself the sweet release of hitting the ground? You see, there is no changing the fact that my wings have broken. No way of stopping myself from falling at this point. Some things in this life are inevitable. I am bound by my fate, although at this point, I do not know what my fate shall be.
It's funny really. I've spent so much of my life pushing people away. Wanting to be alone, trying so hard to prove my independence, and strong will. But now, at the time when I know I can no longer push anyone away, the moment when I realize that this time I need help.....there is no one there. Choosing to be alone, yet sad, is nothing compared to no longer wanting to be alone and no one is there.

The Darkest Solutions

Shall I complain about my circumstances? Shall I sit and whine and cry about the fact that everyone seems to have abandoned me in my hour of need? Perhaps I should lie down and accept my defeat and await my inevitable death. Or maybe I shouldn't await it at all. In my darkest hours perhaps I should end everything in a blaze of unfounded and unbridled glory.
None of these are solutions, nor are they answers. The only thing I would accomplish out of any of this is certain misery, pain and death. I may have an extremely dark side to me, but not that dark. The fact that I'm speaking of it bodes well for me. Talking about it brings self awareness to the issue I have at hand. So the only options I have are to let the wave of darkness wash over me. To take the dive into the murky depths of the deep chasm and hope I can swim fast enough and strong enough to get past the current. There is no use in complaining. It won't change anything. And whining and crying about it will only drive away the last remaining relationships I have left.

Defeat Is Not An Option

In the light of day it is clear. There is no giving up. I will not accept defeat as an option. Nor will I accept the possibility that I can't survive. It is the in the dark of the night that my mind loses faith. The darkness, the silence that consumes me and leaves me shivering and crying in a huddled mass beneath the covers. Isn't that truly what we all fear? Not the dark so much, but what lurks in the dark? Whether it be shadows, or repressed memories. A stranger lurking ready to attack, or just whatever your imagination creates. For me, the silence is what frightens me the most. The silence is deafening to me. It allows me to hear my deepest, darkest thoughts. It brings out the whispers of my broken heart and allows me to feel the pain of my broken wings.

With A Broken Wing She Follows Her Dreams

I can only hold on to the hope and faith that somewhere along the way down someone will catch me before I crash. And if that doesn't happen, I must hold on to the belief that I will be able to stand up and walk away from it without too much harm done.
My wings will eventually heal. Someday I will fly again. I will soar amongst the stars as I once did and I will find my smile once more. This is the optimism I must hold on to. This is the faith in humanity and in myself that I must truly grasp at. I must be my own light in the darkness. I must sing loud to fill the silence and I must allow myself the possibility of being hurt.

Tags

Depressed, Depression, Depression Depressed Depression Sadness Misery Los, Fear Of Getting Hurt, Fear Of Pain, Fear Of The Dark, Fear Of The Unknown

Meet the author

author avatar Empress
I write and have published poetry and was editor of the school newspaper all through highschool. I can write a variety of different genres from articles to novels

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Comments

author avatar Lady Aiyanna
26th Jul 2013 (#)

God help you with your darkness and exit from it....

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author avatar Empress
15th Mar 2014 (#)

Help yourself!! And let me be

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author avatar cnwriter..carolina
27th Jul 2013 (#)

blessings to you ..

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author avatar Empress
15th Mar 2014 (#)

Thank you :)

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