My Last Words To You, Who I Once Thought Was My Hero

EmpressStarred Page By Empress, 13th Jun 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/3ubx7e8k/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Columns & Opinions

To you, the one that was supposed to hold me in your hand and protect me. The one that should have shielded me and protected me from my pain. I've been lost in pain without understanding of why you left. I have just a few words left for you, the one that has abandoned me. I have ended the story now.

Speaking To The Ghost

You must think I'm crazy by now. A crazy obsessive woman that doesn't know when to let things go. I wouldn't blame you if you did. You see, I see myself the same way. I often lament to myself on how ridiculous I am, and how crazy what I'm thinking or doing is. Especially when late at night I pick up my phone and send that message. Why do I do this? At one point I wouldn't have had an answer for you or for myself. I wouldn't have known why I continue to speak to a ghost. Why I continue to carry on pretending that you will respond on the other end. I would just get a thought and felt the need to let you know. At first I used to get so disappointed when you wouldn't respond. I'd cry and wonder what I did wrong. Now, when I do send that text I'm comforted by the idea that not only will you not respond, but there is a possibility that you aren't even receiving them. I have no idea really if you have me blocked or not. I do know you still have the same number. How do I know this? Because you have shown a spark of interest. Though not much, it was still there. The random moments when you suddenly text and comment on needing me. It's the text I seem to forever wait for. It's the reason I seem so crazy now.

Answers Not Found

How things ended was not in the right way. I'm not even sure if they did end. I try to tell myself everyday that they did in fact end. There was in fact a point at which it was all over, said and done with but when I get those moments of clarity I can recall all of it, and I know, honestly speaking there was no real end point. Nothing that said you let me go, or that you released me. Just that one last conversation so long ago when I asked you if I had made a mistake in trusting you and giving myself fully to you. Your response was that I had not made a mistake. That I should trust you and that it is a good thing that I gave myself to you. That was so very long ago....and even though you rarely responded after that and never planned to see me again, I continued to keep you updated from time to time on my loyalty. I continued even though somewhere in my mind I knew you didn't care.
I've gone over our relationship with a fine tooth comb so many times I've worn most of the teeth down to a nub. Every little detail, every memory, every word that passed between us. Nothing was left in the shadows. I shone a light on each tiny little crack, crevice and corner. I don't know what it is I've looked for all this time. Perhaps I've been searching for the closure I need to move on, maybe I feel as if I missed something in all of it. Something I didn't do, or didn't say when I should have. Was I not submissive enough, or was I too submissive? Was I too intense or not enough? Was I too ugly, too nasty, not good enough? Yes, this whole thing has left me truly a bit crazy and obsessive. I'm not the type to live without the answers I seek. Nothing in my world makes sense, and I cannot fix what is wrong without answers to these questions.

The Power Returned

Believe me, I have worked so hard to get to this point. To get to the point of writing this out. It is taking everything I have in me to finally release these words from the prison of my mind and let them go. I couldn't even find the words for so long. In so many ways, I had felt like I had moved on. Of course with a few scars, but moved on nonetheless. Until you messaged that one day. You told me you needed to see me. That I was the most submissive woman you had ever known and you need my service. I didn't even hesitate to answer. Of course I said yes. Terrified of seeing you, yes, but there was a bit of an answer in that message. And then you cancelled the day of, like you had so many times in the past and I was instantly thrown back into the twister of confusion. But it was a different wind that blew over me this time. I had regained a little of my power from you the day you cancelled. I realized I had expected it. I knew it. And that is why I answered yes. It was a test, one that you failed. Because deep down I knew very well that you will always cancel at the last minute. You will always chicken out. And so I stepped up my game a little and was able to move through my days a bit easier, with less doubt in my mind and the voices were starting to settle down. And on the anniversary of our meeting I messaged you again. Another test, one that you passed. I didn't ask for response, and didn't expect it. Just merely stated that it was the anniversary of the day you opened doors for me and helped me start down a path of discovery. It was a pleasant surprise that you responded back, you threw the ball back in my court with that one. And when you said we should celebrate I remember laughing heartedly. Celebrate my ass. And so I agreed yet again to another meeting, knowing damn well you would cancel again. But don't be fooled for a second my dear. I always have a back up plan in place, always another scenario playing through my head. Of course, the day of you cancelled yet again, with your very polite remarks of apologizing for doing this to me again and promising to make it up to me. And there it was. There was the last of my power handed back to me. The last fraction of myself so graciously handed to me on a silver platter, unbeknownst to you. In those moments of apologizing and promising to make it up to me, you clearly gave me the ability to react in any way I see fit. A lesser woman would have handed that power right back. But I did not. I graciously accepted your apology and instead of saying something foolish like "I'll hold you to that" I merely said you don't need to make it up to me.

And There It Is

I only sent one more message to you after that. On a particularly dark and depressing night. Of course I knew there would be no response. After that I was able to move forward quite peacefully and with a genuine smile in my eyes. I had done what I thought I could never do. And now, the final pieces of what was my shattered submissive heart are nearly back in place. There is merely one last thing left to do. I have to tell you what I went through. I have to let it all out in one shot and be done with it. This piece up until this moment is nothing compared to what I truly have to say.
You always said you thought I had an issue with your other sub. I didn't...not at first. You created the issue. You punished me for her disloyalty to you, for her misbehaviour. And instead of proper aftercare you spent the rest of the time talking about how amazing and wonderful she is and how hard of a life she's had and how she's needed your guidance. I know you were intending to share that information to get me to bleed for her. You know I have a bleeding heart for those in need and that I only ever want to help others. But in fact, you did the opposite that night. You made me resent her, made me hate the idea of her. I was put through pain for her indiscretions and then was denied aftercare. Instead of feeling cared for and brought back to a peaceful state I was forced to listen silently for over an hour about her. Everything changed after that. I struggled and tried so hard not to have an issue with it, but you had caused such deep seeded pain within me. And then at the end of it all, to disappear on me. To vanish into the wind with not a word why.
The worst part was that I didn't know these feelings of pain were truly there until recently. Until she spoke to me. It was in her words that the pain finally surfaced. Her anger and bitterness towards me and towards you cut open something deep within me and allowed the pain to flow freely to the surface. She puts me down as if I am a monster. She portrays you as a liar and a cheater, and makes it almost clear that it must be my fault. But it is not those feelings that cause me pain. She will believe whatever she needs to move forward in her life and if she needs to believe that, then so be it. It was her other words. Of how you shielded her and protected her from her pain, how she cried in your lap many times, and that you spent many nights holding her close and telling her she was your one true love. These are things I never experienced with you. These are the things that every sub wants from their Master. She doesn't realize what I would have done, given to have you do that for me. I gave you my trust, my gift of submission, expecting exactly what she got. But what I received in turn was not a shield from pain or a protector. I was stripped of my own shield and caused to feel her pain for her. My tears fell upon nothing, my head rested only once in your lap. And you never held me. You never told me anything but that I was the one you were looking for to unlock your full potential as a Dom. Your intention was to use my full submission, to drain me in order to fill your own confidence. To boost you and give you strength as a Dom for her.
It is an anger from deep within me that I feel towards her. She does not appreciate the pain, the suffering and the heart break I went through so that she could have you. She even has the audacity to accuse me of wearing her lingerie, like I'm nothing more than a two dollar hooker that wants to be abused.

My Villain

Am I crazy that at that moment of anger I messaged you for answers? That I no longer have any hatred or anger towards you? I just may be. I don't live my life with regrets or holding grudges. Why am I so angry and upset with her? Simple answer. It was in those moments of reading her words that I realized what I had done. That my submission was used to help even though I did not know it. That even if it was short lived, she got the love and care she needed to step up after so much pain in her life and move forward with her life. I helped. I was of use. I suffered for HER. I gave of myself to benefit her recovery. I openly and freely gave of myself to you and you took what you needed and passed it on to her in your own form. And she has no gratitude towards it. She does not see what I went through. I did love you, even though I had a hard time showing it in ways of affection, even though I couldn't step out of my shell enough to treat you as the hero. You understand now, I'm sure. Why I never could treat you as the hero of my story. Because you weren't my hero. You were HER hero and you were my villain. You were the one holding the kyrptonite that drained me and left me weak and useless.

The End Of This Story

This is how life goes. The stories that we create as we move through this journey. I've accepted it. You were my villain, my one weakness and you were out to destroy me, but.... you were her hero, her saviour, out to protect her, save her, and give her shelter from the cruel world. Our story has ended dear friend. And as it seems your story with her has as well. I'm truly sorry that your story could not continue. That what you drained from me was not enough to keep her in your arms. But now, I've finally said what I've needed to say for so long. I've finally found peace and a way to write The End. I'm still looking for the hero of my story. And I may just possibly have to face a few more villains yet before my time. But I'm okay with that. Why? Because I've survived. Because I'm still here, stronger than ever and an even better version of the submissive I was before. As the villain you may have nearly killed me, but I have risen from the ashes. I wish you all the best my dear one. In everything you do, and in every encounter you have I wish you all the warmth and love that you denied to me. I hope that someday you can be someone's forever hero but not mine, no, you will never be mine. And so here it is, feelings released, mind settled, and inner peace found. I bid you adieu dear friend of mine, I am ending the story here.....The End.

Tags

Heartbreak, Heartbroken, Hero, Journey, Master, Story, Villain

Meet the author

author avatar Empress
I write and have published poetry and was editor of the school newspaper all through highschool. I can write a variety of different genres from articles to novels

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Comments

author avatar Lady Aiyanna
13th Jun 2014 (#)

Good Luck with life and may you find peace as you walk out that past door. Its time for you to move on. Good Luck.... GRBR

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author avatar Mariah
13th Jun 2014 (#)

Lady A is right, look after yourself and begin to enjoy life again now.

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author avatar cnwriter..carolina
13th Jun 2014 (#)

glad you are back and look after yourself ...

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author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
18th Jun 2014 (#)

Awesome and one of a kind post, cheers!

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