My Master Connection

Empress By Empress, 19th Jun 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/1vchbak6/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Sexuality & Gender

The master and slave connection has been a pre-dominant lifestyle for me. I've found it to be beneficial and necessary to my life, but yet I find myself always questioning how I am to help others by living this way.

I Am A Submissive.

I am a submissive. Anyone that has followed any of my writing would know this. It comes very naturally to me and I've heard many remarks in the past about it. My ex absolutely hated it. He complained about it on the sexual note many many times. Although he thoroughly enjoyed the fact that being so submissive was my lifestyle so he had full control of my life. He wielded that power in a nasty way and made me feel used and abused instead of satiated. In every day life he had full control over everything, from the finances, to who I was friends with. And in entire honesty, his main goal was to shut me in. Box me in the house with no one and no where to go. In public I was to walk with my head down, a few steps ahead of him so he could see if I was checking anybody else out. Because I am bisexual and he knows this he was equally paranoid of me checking out women as he was men. He preferred I not wear makeup, and dress slumpy. He didn't like if anyone looked at me. My punishment for disobeying was not a normal punishment for a bdsm relationship. I got mentally and emotionally beat down in massive fights when I disobeyed.
Because of the lack of sexual connection and the overwhelming life control I began to act out. Something that I rarely do as a submissive. But I did not agree with my ex's terms, or his treatment of me. I was accused all the time of being a liar, a thief, and a cheater. After hearing these accusations for so long I became what he accused me of. I lied to him to save myself the trouble of fighting. For example; there was a man I worked with at the restaurant that was a good friend. Yes, there was sexual chemistry between us from day one. In fact most of our coworkers believed we were fooling around, and when I got pregnant with my last boy we spread the rumor that it was his baby after a wild night in the cooler at work. But we never did anything. Our connection wasn't physical. It was sexual. Two very different things. We both flirt, we both love sex and we both have the same overall personality. The reason we clicked is because we were so much alike. But he likes younger women, and I like older dominant men. Without even vocalizing it to eachother we knew we would not click in the bedroom. Unfortunately my ex didn't believe that and so he forbid me to work with him. I had to lie on a regular basis because my coworker was actually my boss and I was his assistant manager. We worked together all the time. I hated lying, but I loved my job, and I considered this man to be a very close friend, still do. I would not drop either to make my ex happy.
I felt I needed to clarify the manner of my last relationship a bit. I was emotionally and physically beat down because I was with a man that thought I was disgusting for being submissive. He made me suffer for the life I've lived before him. The life that has made me what I am.

My Beginning

Now I want to clarify the submissiveness. I wasn't always submissive, although I tend to tell people that I was born this way. I was not, in fact born submissive, but it was something that I clearly needed from a young age. I was sexually molested when I was nine months old by my step father. My grandparents adopted me after that hoping to save me from further damage. From my psychologists point of view as a child, the molestation that happened, though cannot be remembered, changed the very course of my personality and life forever. I began to masturbate from the time I was 3. Now I've had people argue with me about this. They say that a 3 year old cannot derive pleasure from this and that I was just doing what all little children do. I will reiterate that it was masturbation. I did it for the sole purpose of orgasm. And yes, proven by doctors, that is exactly what was happening. My parents took me to many specialists to figure out why I was doing this. They could only scratch their heads and tell my parents that I was, from a physical stand point, sexually advanced by many years.
And I was completely self destructive. My parents had me in and out of several psychologists offices trying to stop my self destructive behavior. There seemed to be no solution, I was entirely out of control. They tried discipline in the matter of spankings, groundings, time outs, and still could not tame the beast within.
This is where the master/slave connection comes in. I was 6 and befriended the next door neighbor. He was an older man, married with no children. I'm going to clarify this right now; yes, I was a child and yes he was a grown man. That means he was a pedophile by society standards. I do not argue this fact at all, because if what happened to me ever happened to one of my own children I would be in jail for murder. Now that that is clear I will explain.

My Past

He liked to hear my thoughts and opinions on everything. He would let me come over and we would sit in his backyard and he would tell me to explain what was going through my head. I would tell him about my sleep walking, or my insomnia. I would talk about my dreams and aspirations and I would share bits of my writing or artwork with him. He was always very caring and always seemed to have an answer for any question I may have had. He explained to me the nature of a master/slave relationship and told me that this is clearly what I needed in my life. Yes, folks, I was 6. I've seen psychologists about this relationship since then and they agree that it was wrong but that I was extremely mature and advanced for someone of my age.
I began my slave training at 6. Nothing sexual, just obedience training. Learning to allow someone else to control my life and my behaviors. Within months of starting this training, my grades at school excelled to straight a's and I became one of the brightest in my class. I began to sleep fully through the night and there was no more sleep walking. This relationship continued for two years before my parents moved us away. My behavior after moving became self destructive again. I nearly failed my grade, I got into fights at school, I ran away from home on several occasions, and I defied anyone that had the nerve to step up to me. I lived my life alone and miserable. You see, I loved this man. He had helped me in so many ways and I had grown very attached to him. He was, in my mind, my hero. To this day I can't recall his real name. I only remember what I was to call him when in his presence. I've been searching for a hero, not to replace him, but to be better than him ever since.

Means To An End

I'm sure you are all thinking, that's sick. How could a man do this to a child? And you are right to think that way. Sometimes in the dark of night I wonder the same thing. I wonder what turn my life could have made had I never encountered him. I'm not tormented by it at all though. Just sad that I feel as if I will never find another man to be my hero. Sometimes it seems to me that life has unfairly caused me to mature so quickly that I have experienced love and life at too fast of a pace.
My teen years were frought with self destruction. Running away from home, trying to burn down the school, fighting mercilessly with anyone I came into contact with. When I met my second master it was like a dream come true. He was a good friend of mine. I had a girlfriend at the time and couldn't figure out why I was so harmful to her. He helped channel my anger. He helped me understand that the reason I was exploding form the inside out was because I still yearned, still needed to have a master to control me. He took control of me and of my girlfriend. My girlfriend ended up moving on to hopefully bigger and better things but I remained with my master. I needed him. Unfortunately though, the power that a master wields can overcome the master himself. Drunk with power, he became merciless and cruel. I suffered many painful punishments and abuse at his hand. Even with a master to control my life it went off the deep end. He didn't have control enough over his own circumstances. He wasn't confident in his abilities and he was drunk with power. I will not go into detail of the horror to which I was subjected to. I will only say that it has left me with internal scars that seem to never heal.

Me As I Am

I walked away from my master after he cruelly subjectified me and ended things. I walked away shamed and disgraced as a slave and swore to control my own life. Never allow myself to be controlled again. But this is not the way life was intended for me. I spent the next ten years as I described at the beginning. Fact of the matter is; I cannot be in control. I cannot keep my own life balanced. I am a good mother. I keep a tight reign on my children and I allow them to explore themselves in a safe parameter. I can control their lives, and their behavior because I was born to be a mother. I have managed a restaurant and had several employees under me efficiently, and I have confidently asserted my role as dominant in my job. I was born to be a leader, in so many ways. I can take charge of a room full of people and keep things under control. I am a confident and in charge person but.....not of myself. All my experiences have taught me to be very calm and controlled. I've spent many years thinking, pondering, feeling, writing and working on being the forgiving and happy person that I am today. I've found a calling and a true desire to help others and my dream is to go back to school and become a counselor so that I can help even more people.

Ticking Time Bomb Of Self Destruction

I have said many times in my life that I don't believe in irony, or accidents. I don't believe that anything happens by chance. I truly believe in fate and destiny. Circumstances beyond my control, written within the stars has led me down this path. Had I not been through what I have, I would not have the heart or will to help others. I quite possibly would not care about the people in this world, nor would I be the loving, caring mother that I am. I'm sure that I would be dead by now.
But I have a need. I need to be submissive. I need to have a master to keep a reign on me before I self destruct again. I can feel the destruction coming, I can sense the chaos burning within me, willing itself to release. And I am afraid. When I get in my van and drive it takes everything I have to keep myself from being reckless. It's not that I don't love my children, they are what keeps me from ending things. They keep me grounded somewhat, because I know they need me. But I am afraid. Once my ex moves out the custody becomes fifty fifty. I will have two weeks each month of being entirely alone. I don't drink, I honestly don't like the feeling of being drunk. It happens from time to time but it is not something I enjoy, so I'm not worried about that. I'm worried of the repercussions of this self destruction on my overall well being. I have a tendency to destroy myself mentally and emotionally when I self destruct. I also have a tendency to stop taking care of my own physical well being. As we speak, I haven't eaten in nearly a week and have lost three pounds already. I cook everyday, I feed my children all their meals in their entirety. I just can't get myself to eat. I can't see a reason to nourish my own well being. The self destruction has already begun.
I'm teetering on the edge and I might possibly have a ledge to grab on to. I'm kind of, sort of, reaching out to it, there's trust that this ledge will hold me. Fate thrust it in front of me before I even knew I was heading for self destruction. But, as much as I'm reaching out to it, I'm pulling away. I've been hurt, I've been scarred and I've been somewhat damaged by the circumstances of my life. Not to mention that this ledge is already holding weight, and I knew that from the very first minute. But I was also not in self destruct mode at the time. I learn from experience, and experience tells me that rarely these ledges can support more than one. If the ledge were to falter or crack the weight would have to be lessened and it's from my personal experience that I am the weight to be removed. If I was not in self destruct mode this wouldn't be a problem at all. In fact, I would be happy about it. But now, I'm worried that my self destruct sequence is going to damage the support the ledge is already giving. I don't want to harm anyone through this, and although I trust fully in the ledge, I don't trust myself enough to believe I won't self destruct.

The Question

It's a dangerous game we play in life. Trying to live and let live. Trying to find ourselves in the mess and chaos that is this life. So many of us search our entire lives to find who we are, whether it be that we are gay, bisexual, transexual, vanilla, dominant, submissive, master, or slave. The few of us that are lucky enough to find who we are are plagued by society. Plagued by views of how sick, or twisted, perverse or disgusting we are to the "normal" folk. By sharing my story of finding myself, I am trying to help others. I am always trying to help others. I'm also desperately trying to grasp at a small straw hidden within my life. My self awareness, my inner turmoils that burn within me. I have been lucky enough to figure my own sexuality, my own self, out. I am not bothered by being a submissive slave. I am bothered that society views me a certain way. I am bothered that society has even plagued within my own soul. I want nothing more than happiness and to feel complete. I refuse to believe that in order to be complete I must subject myself to "normal" life. But I am afraid that by reaching out to my ledge I will end up causing more bad than good. I need people in my life to support me a bit right now. I've spent so many years giving of myself, helping others, and subsequently receiving damage for being who I am that I am running on empty. I need someone to refill me, and I'm afraid to say it out loud.
To feel complete I need a master, but I also need to continue to help people. I need to be cared for, and somewhat loved. I need a hero, but I also need to be a hero. I need to love and care for others and continue to be the happy, carefree person that I am.
I'm being asked now for something far greater than myself. I know I will agree because my circumstance, my stars, have lead me here. I'm not uncomfortable with it, just afraid of the repercussions it could have. As I've been told, sometimes I look too far into the future of the unknown. Sometimes, I read the stars before they shine.

Tags

Dominance, Dominant, Life Experience, Life Journey, Master, Masters, Needs, Needs And Wants, Needs Of Others, Sexual Life, Sexually Experienced, Slavery And Sex, Submissive

Meet the author

author avatar Empress
I write and have published poetry and was editor of the school newspaper all through highschool. I can write a variety of different genres from articles to novels

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Comments

author avatar Mark Gordon Brown
20th Jun 2013 (#)

WOW, thank you for your honesty. I really may be helpful to people who are trying to understand why some people are different than they are.

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author avatar Stella Mitchell
20th Jun 2013 (#)

Sue , there are many similarities in your life in the way that mine once was. I can only say now though that I am completely free from my past , and totally at peace with my hurt inner child , who has no hold over me emotionally now. My change has come about through my relationship with my Saviour , who has completely healed me and changed my life .I pray you will know such peace in your life too .
God bless you
Stella ><

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author avatar LOVERME
27th Jul 2013 (#)

will have to read it over a week end ...
lets see

too lengthy

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author avatar Legend
2nd Jan 2014 (#)

Wow! what a story - please contact if you need help

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