My Way=My Regrets

MCayou By MCayou, 15th Dec 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Essays

Reflections on mistakes made, the time and energy spent ruminating on them, and the futility of it all. We need to live in the moment in order to shape a livable future.


Regrets – Frank Sinatra sang about having a few, but then again, too few to mention. By attempting to do things ‘my way’ over the years, and most disastrously in recent years, I try not to mention my regrets either, so I just let the ever growing shadow in the recesses of my mind continue to point and snicker at me as I feed it more. Looking back, in the wrong direction, seeking an elusive intangible that will somehow magically change my perspective, attitude, and outlook for the future is just another regrettable flaw in my nature. An impossibility, I know, but nevertheless an inordinate amount of time is spent on the futile chore. And it has become a sad chore, habitually living in a diluted past where I have yet to make a mess of things. The past will never change and with the results of that past come the piercing daggers of reality in the present. Everything is a reminder and every reminder is cloaked in the obsession of misguided emotional failures. If I had not acted – I would have regretted it and felt weak. My actions, however, I regret because they never result in the desired outcome or result, but rather fuck things up even worse; I should have done nothing. See the cycle of mental destruction I create? And for what? Nothing will change the past!

A part-time job with no insurance serves only to twist the blade and dim the lights. Why do I do this to myself? An educated man with more psychological insight and analytical skills than most, but burdened by the need for validation to the point of desperation, I refuse to heed the advice to seek professional help because no one can tell me anything I don’t already know or suspect. So why, again, why dwell on the past? I am not in the now- in the moment where anything is possible; I am not focused on creating opportunity for a better future – even if it is only one day at a time. I make everyone around me miserable with my gloomy, pouty disposition and ‘poor me’ attitude. I loathe the person who adopts a victim mentality, so you know what I think of myself.

With the holidays upon us with a vengeance of expected exaltation, I can either ruin them for everyone, given that I even try to enter into socially accepted seasonal reverie, or I can pull my head out of my ass act like a man! I can pout about and continue to regret my mistakes, missteps, and horribly misguided decisions, or I can admit defeat and move forward with a mild optimism that may just be easier to live with. Maybe that act alone can allow others to feel more comfortable in my presence and lighten the occasion for all. Maybe if I quit dwelling on being beaten down, I can invite loved ones to help lift me up. Maybe, just maybe, if I can banish the Scrooge from my heart and mind, no matter how slightly, I can head toward the light and be on the road to a more peaceful state of mind than I have travelled in a long time. If God helps those who help themselves, I have to start doing my part – and it may not always be my way.


Holiday Season, Optimism, Regret The Past

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author avatar MCayou
As a retired English teacher, I have much to say on topics from education to psychology to societal influences.

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author avatar Stella Mitchell
16th Dec 2013 (#)

My friend ...God helps those who ask for His help ...self help often just digs deeper holes of regret and then becomes a muddy mire to wallow in ...May I suggest you ...Cast your cares ( past , regrets , failures , whatevers ....) on to Him , for He cares for you 1 Peter 5 v 7 ..
Forgive others who have failed you , ask forgiveness where you have failed ... and then start looking ahead and not backward ...The past is gone , so why carry it like a lead balloon with you any more ?
Bless you

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author avatar MCayou
16th Dec 2013 (#)

Words of transcendent wisdom...thank you,.

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