My Xmas wish is to spend it at home.

maree By maree, 7th Dec 2010 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/1gpg9s2y/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>True Stories

Overview of having to get the ambalance out, pain and dispair, of yet another hospital visit, my partners reactions and support. I so want to spend xmas at home.
Past present and future dreams I experience on a daily basis.

Lead up, to ringing the ambulance.

The past few weeks have been hard on me.
Constant pain, trying to survive day to day.
I get a little depressed, as when I underwent major heartmans procedure in 2009,
I awoke with a stoma, spent 21 days in hospital, and had no intentions on returning.
The doctors assured me, all would return to normal, and that I could get back to normal day activities in no time at all. They even assured me I would still fit my clothes.

What a joke, I still look eight months pregnant, their is no way in hell I fit the clothes I use to wear in 2009.
Now the past is just an illusion, something which is hazy and lost.

On the lucky side, at least I had a shop full of clothing, now sitting idle in my bedroom.
I can look through and adjust items to fit. Endless supply, I shouldn't complain..
I often just sit and reflect back to times of happiness, long gone.
I get a little depressed when I look at myself in the mirror.
What stares back at me, is an individual I don't know, I find it so hard to relate to this image..
It's like a vision that loves taunting me. Constantly reminding me of the ugly, hideous, creature I have become.
I use to take great pride in my appearance.
I struggle with thought's of disgust at my body shape, matters are way out of control.
I have to pull deep within, and assure myself, all will be okay.
That after my reversal, I will become that beautiful human being once again.

I dream of that day, when all will return.
I so miss riding down the river banks, wind blowing through my hair.
Feeling at peace, no worries or dispair.
Life use to be fill of challanges. Goals I could set and achieve.
Everything was within my reach. Never a thought about ill health.

Now I just dream of what use to be, I try to occupy myself with different things I can achieve, that I am capable of in my present state.
I don't want to be fill of self pity.

I expect a lot from my body, I try hard to do what I love, I want to be as normal as possible, so I set about gardening, as time was passing by so quickly.
I was determined to get my veges planted. Now I know it was a stupid move.
The sun was shining, I was actually feeling in a brillant mood, I was determined to get out their and do something I would feel great about.
At the moment of digging, and planting, I was on top of the moon, no pain, just excitement, at what I was achieving.
I would step back, and look at my plants with pride, then take a deep breathe, and get on with the job. I felt life was returning to normal.
Then pain started to set in, it was my body telling me to slow down, yet I thought, just a little more, so I put a towel on the ground, I sat down on it determined to continue on.
This should do the trick I thought, I removed the strain, my tummy was pounding, pain was shooting. Yet I was sure it would settle down
I started to feel muscles that had been idle for so long. I actually enjoyed feeling the pain, as it reminded me of going to the gym.
I remember the feeling of self worth, doing hard work outs, getting the body pumping, it always ached, but I felt it was a reminder of what you achieve.
So I wasn't to concerned, but I knew to listen to my body and go back inside, to the comfort of my lazy boy to rest, when the pain didn't subside.
I was a little annoyed that I hadnt finished all that I had set out to do, but was pleased with my progress, and thought their was always tomorrow.
So I just stretched back, shut my eyes, and let visions of rainbows, and utter blitz, do their little show, running through my head. As I just relaxed and un wound.
I felt so great, the day for a change had left me exhausted but proud.

Pain sets in

I was so excited, I felt revitilised, as I got up from my chair.
Ready to continue on with my day, thinking all was well.
I set about putting the silverside on, peeled some potatoes, and was humming as I bounced around the kitchen. Life felt good. My tummy was rumbling.
I so looked forward to my favourite meal.
I still had aches and pains, but nothing serious, I just take a couple of panadol and continue on. As this is a normal event.

My partner and I always relax on our lazy boy chairs, we discuss the days events.
Light humour, at how lucky I am, not to have to go to work, and how exhausted he is after returning home. I say I would swap places at the drop of a hat.
Then we turn on the television, ready to settle into a nights entertainment.

He is so gorgeous, I often think how lucky I am, to have such a great fello, that cares about my every needs.
When he is not looking I often take sneek peeks, I just stare at him, then he catches me, and just smiles at me, I feel such warmth.

It's 8.30 pm. December the 6th, 2010.

When the pain attacks me, invades my body, shooting like waves through my back, then continues around to my tummy. Pain un-natural, shouldn't be like this, no letting up, under constant attack.
I try to get up and walk it off, this normally works, but no it wasn't letting me escape, I cripple over in agony, clutching my tummy, the look of fear all over my face.
I look to my partner, dazed and in pain, I know by his reactions, all is not right.
We both just hug, and he helps me try to ride the wave, hoping like hell it would stop.
I start to cry, tears stream down my face, so angry within, that I can't control the pain, normally I can breathe and control it. Instead panic sets in.
My partner helps me to the security of the bed, I lay on my side, crying waiting for it to subside. Yet it grows with intensity. No planning to ease off.
I knew a decision needs to be made, as its not the normal pain I am use to, so I say the word and my partner rings the ambalance, as we both realise all is not well.
My horror and nightmare's, I feel start to become true, it reminds me of when my bowel ruptured, I was terrified, more by what could result.
I just wept, with my partners rubbing my head, it is all so unfair, haven't I suffered enough.
My heart bleeds as he doesnt know what to do, It is the worse situation to be in.
As he suffers with me, tears I see swelling up in his eyes.
He trys to be so brave for me. Yet it's a living hell we both share, unable to control or dictate the end results.
So we just wait.

Hospital stay

The ambalance arrives, I am still in a huge amount of pain, they help me into the ambalance and we are on our way.
They haven't dealt with anyone with a ruptured bowel before, and then sent to bed for two days. I explain about how I had the poisioning, and drains, etc, as best I could. I reassure them , that I am not pregnant, it is just a result from the surgery, that has left everyone puzzled.
This is something I come across all the time. As my doctor says, normally you are dead. So be happy your alive.
My partner follows in the car, as I take the journey to the hospital.
All I can do is cry, the pain hasn't subsided, instead it rages with a vengance.
I am terrified that the worse has occured, I look in the eyes of the ambalance attendant, for reassurance, but none I get, as she is more confused than I am. But trying her best.

We get to the hospital, they start to poke and probe, I hate it, my veins are to small, so their attempts of putting a line in fail.
Thank god A new nurse achieves with her attempt, so bloods are taken.

The pain is so intense, they give me panadol, and codine, I never handle pain killers well.
I feel like I am going to throw up, all self dignity is taken away, as I take my false teeth out. I hate my partner seeing me like this. Im sure everyone can relate to this.
My partner says how red my eyes are, I feel stoned and tired. Then I drift off to sleep, to be awoken when doctors return to poke and probe.

I look at my partner, so tired he looks. I feel such guilt, I tell him to go home, but he won't leave my side, thats just the angel he is.

They push down on my tummy, which sends more waves of pain through me. I start to cry once again. Then they take me for xrays, it takes all my might to stand.
I wish this day would end.

Now we just wait for the results. 5.30 Finually the next morning the surgeon comes in, he informs me it is back pain, through over doing things.
That all my bloods, and xrays have come back normal. which is brillant news.
That because of my stoma and hernia, the pain was intense.
That I can return home, but need to rest.

So I thank my lucky stars, as I wished I could be home for xmas, and someone answered my prayers.
I always suffer pain, but at least I know, its not cancer or anything else, it is just pain I have to put up with.

Tags

Confusion Past, Dreams, Future, Hope, Hospital, Illness, Pain, Present, Recovery, Surviving

Meet the author

author avatar maree
Due to major surgery in 2009, I was forced to shut shop after 20 years. Determined not to feel sorry for myself I decided to swing the situation around to my benefit.

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Comments

author avatar Mark Gordon Brown
8th Dec 2010 (#)

wow and thanks for sharing. Best wishes to you for certain, may you find yourself in the saddle again very soon

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author avatar maree
8th Dec 2010 (#)

Thanks, I just love the fact that I found wilinut, because now it gives me an outlet to express what I am feeling, also hopefully it will help others, that we are not alone

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author avatar shasel
24th Dec 2010 (#)

Hope you have recovered
and can really spend your
Christmas holiday at home.

I salute your positive attitude
courage and strength, Maree
Merry Christmas to you &
your loved ones :-)

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author avatar maree
26th Dec 2010 (#)

Thankyou.
Yes was at home for xmas. Yahoo.
Boxing day, back to reality.
Over 27 after shocks.
Nasty and violent.
Hope today is quiter.
cheers maree.

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