Self Realizations and Healing

Empress By Empress, 26th Feb 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Columns & Opinions

At the beginning of the New Year I found myself dealing with the life shattering effects of the abuse I suffered for ten years. Was a dark and scary journey for myself.

A New Year

Well, 2013 is finally over. I doubt there is many that wished that last year to be over as badly as I did. Seems to be a recurring pattern for me though. The last few years have steadily become harder and more difficult. After doing yet another year in review I noticed that the past three years have been the hardest for my little family for sure. This year although just new and fresh isn't promising to be less stressful or difficult either. The events that have transpired over the past three years have thrown us into a cataclysmic cyclone of hard choices and difficult circumstances. I've done my best to pretend that they aren't things I need to do, or that I don't have to make any hard decisions or soul shattering choices but the fact of the matter remains, with the changing of the year....it is time to face the fire.

Facing Myself

Over the course of the past four months I have had the immense "pleasure" (notice the hint of sarcasm) of having to get to know myself intimately. I've spent far too much time (a bit of an over exaggeration) soul searching the depths of my psyche and facing my inner demons. I've done most of this on lonely dark nights when the boys were at their dad's house. Let me tell you, when you are forced to face every dark corner of yourself in a mirror....it's intense. I didn't like me. In fact, I absolutely HATED me. They always say that you are your own worst enemy, and this past four months, I have learned that that is entirely true. And it was extremely difficult and challenging to go through this inner battle and still be able to be a happy and supportive mom to the boys. Somehow, I think I managed fairly well considering. I know there were some days where it was difficult to function while taking care of the boys. And if the boys weren't home it was damn near impossible to try and get out of bed and go through the motions of a fully functional and well adjusted adult. Truth was, I wasn't fully functional (not even a fraction) and as for well adjusted? No, not at all. It isn't easy to adjust yourself from one extreme to another in such a short period of time. To go from being worthless in one way, in one person's eyes....to being worthless to yourself and in a completely different way. From being emotionally and mentally alone but never physically alone....to completely and utterly alone (somewhat my own doing). I can honestly say, that this was my darkest time ever. So much of my inner turmoil I kept inside myself. Although I spoke openly and honestly to others about the struggles I was facing on the surface, I kept myself closed off and didn't let anyone know the darkest parts of my inner struggles.

Being The Victim

It's hard to adjust after a breakup for anyone. And quite often a person is faced with trying to figure out where it went wrong. But for me, it was not in looking at where it went wrong, but more in looking at trying to figure out which parts needed to be focused on and healed. Being a victim of domestic abuse is not something I had ever considered myself to be. I had always convinced myself in the past that I had said or done something to deserve what I got. And I can personally say, that the physical abuse is alot easier to heal from than the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse. Things that have been said cannot be undone. Words truly do hurt far more than a broken bone. Physically I can attest that I am very strong and able, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I am broken. This wasn't even that clear to me either until my best friend actually said "You are broken. And that is really sad." That one sentence really hit home for me. It caused me to go even deeper into my psyche to face the biggest and most real part of me.

I Am Broken

Yes, I am broken. I have lost a huge part of who I once was. So many people take their happiness, their smiles, their laughter for granted. I lost those parts long ago. Although it is all genuine and heart warming with my children, to the rest of the world, there is no genuine smile. No genuine happiness towards my personal life. And in this lies my biggest and hardest struggle. I've had people continually tell me to live for my boys, continue to focus on them, to which I do, and I do it on a very regular basis. But....all this being said, there is something I have learned through my struggles that most people, especially mothers don't usually think of. I have to focus on myself as well. I have to find my own path, and step out into the world as me. Not just as mom, or as "the ex", but as Lisa. Lisa needs to have a chance to heal and step out of the darkness. And this, has been the dark tumultuous journey that I have been facing this past four months.

Lost

Questions have plagued my mind these days. Who am I? Where do I go from here? What is the next step? How can I help myself? The answers haven't really become clear to me yet, but I'm slowly getting there. I'm not fully out of the frying pan of self destruction either. When my boys are gone for the week I spend a great deal of time in bed, sleeping. Not that I really want to, but almost out of necessity. Like my soul hasn't slept for ten years and is now trying hard to catch up on the rest it hasn't been able to receive. With each week that passes and each time my boys come home I gain a bit more strength and confidence in the road ahead. I'm healing, and that is an amazing feeling. Of course, there are always setbacks to the healing process. Moments in time where a memory, or a vision will knock me off my feet and have me crumbling down to my knees in a fit of despair and misery. Where my heart literally feels as if it is shattering to pieces. There was a moment, for example, last weekend where I actually thought I was going to die from a heart attack from the pain. And once these setbacks occur I lose a great deal of sleep, and thus, the pattern repeats itself once again.

The Healing Process

So where am I in the healing process now? Hmmmm....although I've heard plenty of times that there are steps....I'm not sure that is entirely accurate. More like levels of emotional realization and consciousness. I started at the lowest level. Believed I deserved everything that happened to me, believed I had no other choices but the ones I had made, and wondered what was wrong with me. That lead to the understanding that I was a victim of abuse, that I did NOT deserve what happened, and that I was indeed somewhat a good person. This was a very long standing level in the healing process. I still had extremely low self confidence and was uncomfortable with any form of compliment that came my way. I'm in the third level now, about to cross into the fourth. This level of realization is a bit complex. I know I am a victim of abuse, I am angry that I was a victim. I did NOT deserve what I got, but I also did NOT try to change the course of action in my life. I had ample opportunities to get out, all of which I did not take merely because I was stubborn and figured he would change. I'm still not one hundred percent in aggreement with myself that I am a good person. That's a hard one to face. I'd rather see myself as a bad person but as I've learned, this is a matter of conditioning. Hearing from my ex that I was a bad person for so many years has indeed ingrained this belief into my very being. So it's not the easiest to change. I still have low self confidence, but it is no where near what it once was. In fact, the other day I looked at myself in the mirror and thought "I really do love myself. I am a survivor, and I am strong." This is a major accomplishment for me. The next step will be to fully accept myself for who I am today, and who I will be tomorrow. I would say that it is also to put my past self to rest but that has already happened. I am that person that never regrets the decisions of my past, so although I can look back and think "Boy, if I'd only known" it is with peace in my soul that I do it, and a realization that had I not made the decisions I had in the past, that I wouldn't be where I am today or who I am. I am truly grateful (as odd as that sounds) for the chance to go through this merciless, tumultuous nightmare of a dark period in my life. For at the end of it all, when it is said and done and I'm able to move on fully I will be the best person I can be, and I will be in love with me. Knowing that that is the pot of gold at the end of this rainbow fills me with an excitement with little for words to describe it. I know I'm doing the best I can for my precious boys and for myself. This is the biggest struggle of all, to be able to be the best mom I can be to aide in the boys own emotional rollercoaster while still being able to go through mine. It's a balance and it's not easy. But I'm doing it and I'm doing it the best way that I can.

Thank You

Haters will hate, and they will continue to try and knock me down. I say "Go for it!" Because they are helping me achieve the strength and complacancy that will bring me to a personal success that they themselves will never achieve. Thank you to my supporters, friends, neighbors, loved ones. You have all been a massive shoulder for me to lean on when in my darkest moments, even if I didn't reach out to you, knowing you were there was enough. And thank you to my haters! Without you folks trying to knock me down a peg and destroy what little was left of me I wouldn't have found the strength to get back up, to smile and to love you even though you hate me. Life is a journey, and as we can see we all take that journey in different ways. I'm thankful my journey is so rough, makes the small moments mean the most.

Tags

Abuse, Abuse Of Words, Life, Life Changing, Self Improvement

Meet the author

author avatar Empress
I write and have published poetry and was editor of the school newspaper all through highschool. I can write a variety of different genres from articles to novels

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Comments

author avatar cnwriter..carolina
26th Feb 2014 (#)

let the dead bury the dead...you are a beautiful lady so live in the joy of whom you are....

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author avatar Empress
15th Mar 2014 (#)

Thank you my dear :)

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