She can't sing but she'll be a star

Marzeus von Hemelen By Marzeus von Hemelen, 15th Oct 2015 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Culture

"That was absolutely pathetic", says some people when they hear someone they think cannot sing. But what if someone who can't sing, wants to sing anyway come hell or high waters?

The non-talented singer

One Sunday afternoon we're having lunch at Harrison's house. Harrison and I go to their newly built barbeque room that looks out over the pool. Here we barbeque the meat and chat.

Harrison is telling me what is new in his music career. He tells of this girl who so badly, badly, badly wants to make a career out of singing. So, she has been to this guy in town who has a recording studio at home, and she signed contracts and stuff overeagerly, and paid him about 15,000 Rand and they recorded this horrible CD.

Later in the day, Harrison also showed me the CD. My heart went out to this poor girl. Apparently she is so sure that her singing career is going to get her husband and her out of their financial trouble, so she paid all that money to record a CD, and now the CD can be said a lot about... all bad I'm afraid.

The cover is a picture of her on a motorbike. But she's fat and not attractive at all, the cover photo isn't very professional, and nobody in their right mind would buy this.

But, optimist that I am, said I would like to listen to the content of the CD before we shoot it down entirely.

Oh. You meant she really can't sing. I thought you meant she just doesn't sing well.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my gosh!!!! It's the biggest embarrassment to me, and I'm not even the artist. I can't imagine how she must feel. Unless she believes she can actually sing. I don't know if she does.

When Harrison told me that this girl can't sing, I thought he meant that she can hold a tune but she's not really at star level. But nope, when he said she can't sing, he meant she can't sing. Her notes are off, she's out of tune, she sings false, she sounds intimidated and without confidence, and if Simon Cowell listened to her, he wouldn't just say "That was absolutely pathetic!", he would actually throw his coffee mug at her head and hope the blow had killed her.

Anyway, back to where Harrison and I were first talking while barbequeing the meat:

This girl paid this guy all the money to make this horribalistic CD, and now she's broke, yet she's not happy with the work. The backtracks the guy created isn't up to par, and with this girl and her terrible excuse for singing, the music is the most repelling cacophony any idiot could ever wish to punish the world with.

So, what is she to do? So, through one of Harrison's friends, she got to hear of Harrison. The friend asked Harrison before if Harrison would re-record her album properly, but at that time Harrison wasn't interested.

However, now that his other business is settling and falling into place, he thinks he might do this girl as charity or something of the like of helping another human being.

But, the problem is she has no money. She spent all her money paying for that guy who made her something she's not happy with. Now she wants to have something made that she's actually happy with.

Harrison then came up with the idea of charging her a mere R1,000 to do one song.

The magic of software

In case you're wondering why Harrison thinks a girl who's such a pathetic singer may be worth his time, is because firstly he's much more familiar with music producing software, and how the artist's voice can be digitally manipulated to sing right on the note, among other digital magic that this other guy who did her album so crappily obviously wasn't interested in doing.

Secondly, he believes she so sorely wants this, and she wants it bad. Even though she cannot sing, she wants to be a singer, with a passion that one can only fathom if one has been there.

What if this is some kind of Eliza Doolittle deal?

So, Harrison is curious: What if he does an experiment? He won't charge her a lot of money upfront; instead he'll do one song with her for only R1,000, and see if they can create a killer song that's da bomb. And if it works, they can take it from there and do more songs. The idea intrigues him. Kind of like the Henry Higgins who takes the plain flower girl from the street and turns her into a duchess.

"Image" won't bring you into heaven!!!!

Anyway, meanwhile while Harrison and I have been talking, in walked his wife Mary's father, and his wife Mary, and Father, one by one until we're chatty company all chipping in.

Mary hates the idea. I don't know if she hates the idea of Harrison working with another girl, or if as she says it's because she doesn't want him to waste time with talentless garbage.

Then her father interrupts her. Now, in order to understand her father's background: He was always a bit of a roughish character, but a year or three ago he became this religious fanatic. I suppose some men reach midlife crisis and buy a Ferrarri, while others turn to religion.

Her father is fired up now, because Mary said that this girl who can't sing, doesn't have the right image also.

"Image won't bring you into heaven!", he sneers at her.

"Dad, what's your problem? This girl doesn't have the right image!"


It's not long before this turns into a heated argument. Her father is chastising her severely for writing someone off, simply because she doesn't have the right "image". Her father believes at this time of his life, that the only things important in this life are the things that will "bring one into heaven".

Whooooooooookey, I think I'll go get another drink in the kitchen. I'm not really in the mood for their bickering.

When I come back with my drink, Mary leaves the room crying, as her father and her have become much too angry at each other.

Well, if that talentless singer girl only knew the storm she's blown up round these parts :)

Yeah turn the sore-ear into a world class superstar singer. After all, it's done every day while real talent can't get a break

Anyway, I tell Harrison that he should go for it. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. No harm done, and he got his thousand bucks for his time.

I also later tell him, when we had just listened to her terrible CD that other guy made of her, that she doesn't sound confident. I'm sure that other guy is a talentless twit who could not give her any coaching or teaching, or made her feel comfortable. He probably said "Ok you paid for this session so I'm going to click record and you start blabbing away.", and kind of let her just go on, whether bad or terrible. He probably felt he's got his money out of her so let her just do whatever in front of the mic now.

I believe that if Harrison can get her comfortable and get her best performance out of her, who knows, perhaps she'll be slightly less terrible. Just give her a shot; if she really so badly wants it, a light might go on upstairs inside her somewhere along the line, and she might "get it" and improve in leaps and bounds.

Much later one evening, Harrison is visiting us on Tower Hills. We sit around in the West Wing, in Father and Mother's chambers.

Harrison is telling me about how he finally got around to record that girl who so wants to be a singer, believing she can get out of her financial trouble by becoming a singing superstar.

According to Harrison, that girl and her mother were there. Her mother is a foul-mouthed big fat auntie, but one of those with a good heart. She's there to support her daughter in her dream. Sounds like Harrison had quite an enjoyable time with the both of them.

And, as for the recording, they actually created a smash hit, called "Let Us Dance!".

"You know how sometimes when I have recorded a song, I may sometimes digitally change the pitch of a word or two?", tells Harrison. "Well, with this girl I have to move all the entire lines."

Sounds to me like a lot of work, but anyway. Harrison says they did an entire song from start to finish, all in just one day!

Harrison seems very happy with the result. And that girl and her mother have their heads in the clouds! They almost cried with happiness. That song really sounds like a smash hit, and the music that Harrison created for her to sing on, sounds like something that fits into 2012, the current time.

Only problem is, now that girl and her mother are more determined than ever to let Harrison record all the other 12 songs too. Not that it's a problem for Harrison to do, but the problem comes in that these two souls now actually want to go BORROW money and go into debt to make this album happen. Harrison is not so sure about these poor people, who already have lost much money with that other guy and his "studio", making debt for themselves in order to pay Harrison to redo the whole album.

But, he's told them exactly what he thinks about the idea, and now it's in their hands how they would like to proceed. I think it's pretty obvious that they are going to go for it, because that girl believes her music album is what is going to get her out of poverty.

Only thing of course is that this girl probably can never do a live show or a live performance or go sing at weddings or functions, unless she just mimes while she's playing the recording of herself that Harrison made. If she's ever asked to sing live, everybody will know she can't really sing. But, I suppose miming to a song is something that's done a lot anyway by a lot of artists, whatever the reason. So, let this girl sing to some fantasy version of her that was created digitally. Who cares except petty authentists.

More on


Got Talent, Idols, Music, Pop Idols, Sing, Singer, Singing, Superstar

Meet the author

author avatar Marzeus von Hemelen
I like eggs for breakfast. I live on top of a hill inside a beautiful but old dwelling complex. I like to take life in through my senses and then give feedback through my writing.

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