So Nervous about my first time...

Deborah Judges By Deborah Judges, 3rd Feb 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Diaries

February 3rd, 2014, My very first internet Journal entry. Here embarks my voyage, my path, my flight.into the internet world of keeping an open Journal online for the whole world to see. I guess you could say in these next few paragraphs I the ME I want to be, will come to life...

February 3, 2014 My first time

Well I guess you can just call me Deborah, it is as straight forward as that. That's who I am and this Journal will tell you all about me. Today is the first time I will let the world look into ME. I have traveled to Asia and Western Europe. and having looked into different cultures studied the people and I have always tried to just blend in. I am good at that, blending in, I learned to become a "Ghost Person" just trying to live through childhood..I become a "Ghost Person" so the abusive people in my life wouldn't lay eyes on me, never make eye contact, was the number one way you could walk through this world and escape the abusive people.

I have kept journals on and off for 38 years. If I could find them all, putting together the story of ME would be easier. But here in this venue, it feels scary to write about my thoughts and feelings. Really the words of my soul are all I have ever owned. But tonight, I'm going to let others into my world and maybe tag along on the Journey. These words you are reading are fibers of who I am.

My mind has always been full of words, thoughts, and feelings that I needed to purge onto paper. I like to use a pen and a journal book that you can buy at stores like Wal Mart. I like the feel of the pen when the ink flows through it, to me it seems to bring the page to life. Plus when you get a journal book and start writing the pages seem to "plump" the book with the things you share. I love to look at one of my journals after it is complete, because if I put the exact same empty journal beside one that is filled with my very own thoughts and feelings the journal that I have completed is taller and thicker than just the empty journal. All full of me! Emerging from the journal is the birth of the life I live.

To be honest today was just a cool day in Northern Alabama, whereas last week we had bitter cold for this part of the United States.But I love cold weather because it is easier to keep warm than it is to cool down, for me, I like the winter season the best, layers of clothing covering me up hmm, kind of like being a "Ghost Person" So bundled up no one can see who I am. Guess I'm still trying to avoid contact with abusive people.Toxic people, is what my therapist called them. And it is so much of my own truth that I wither when they are around. So yes, I guess that is my reason for loving the winter easier to get on with my own life, while not causing anything to bring attention to me,

So I have to ask myself why am I putting this Journal out in the cyber world and letting just anybody finally see ME. Mainly, it is because it"s "high time I did something productive and contributed to society". (Because stay at home moms can't get credit for bringing up healthy, well behaved children and providing a loving home for anyone we allow to share our time) The reason is even though all these years I have wanted to remain unseen, I always wanted to be remembered. Just that I want to be remembered. Because not many people know that I truly am a remarkable person. I'm not bragging, I'm not trying to draw readers in by being boastful or haughty. But There is this wonderful change happening inside me! I can feel it churning and growing and It is filling my head with who I really am. SO MUCH SO, it just won't be contained anymore. I want to be remembered so bad for being a kind person. Not very glamorous, but it is truly what I want to be remembered as being. Because before this metamorphosis began inside me, the only footprints I wanted to leave in this world were ones that blew away like dust.

I believed that all the good things about me, God poured into my daughter and she is why I would be remembered.My girl, will never forget, but I realized this weekend she is TRYING to actually make HER mark on this world. That broke open the flood of all my footsteps I have left falling at my feet and I stared at those footprints thinking about all the places they've led and how they've touched lives. See, the best footprints I left behind me were the ones where I was kind. Wonderful memories flooded through me as I looked at the places in my life where I had been kind to someone. I also had to look at all those footsteps, where I wasn't kind and I realized even though I was trying to be this "Ghost Person" whose footstep flew away, like sand in the wind, I had definitely left footsteps behind me. And that's when the metamorphosis started happening.

I have said and done things that were very unkind, some unknowingly, some just for spite and I don't want to be remembered like that. No, not like that. So if anyone reading this and looking at my picture is sitting there seething, saying "yes, you were very unkind" I ask for your forgiveness. But with this Journal I emerge from the metamorphosis CHANGED! let me know if i was unkind to you if you recognize me tell me what I did and I will ask for forgiveness of that very thing! There are a lot of things we can be remembered by and my hearts desire is from this moment forward to be remembered for being kind.

If everyone in the world felt that way the world would be a better place.but we are all different. We have different spiritual, emotional, mental, physical needs. My journey is to be kind. Before this weekend my daughter wanted to be remembered for a singing career, her Daddy still does! But she had an epiphany this weekend. I know my child and I know that the metamorphosis that happened to me was happening to her also.Tomorrow after school it will be just her and I, and I will talk to her about what happened in her heart this weekend, and I'm definitely going to tell her and show her that I want to be Remembered as being kind.

I'm tired now. It's late at night. Now I'm going to snuggle down into my warm bed on this cold winter night wrap the blankets around me and fall asleep. Tomorrow I have to drive for over an hour to get to a meeting place, where I can meet the mother of a little girl who stayed with us this weekend. She was so excited to see her mom, she forgot all her belongings in our car. I am going to get up early and meet her mother at the "meeting place" and make sure her precious belongings get back to her

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Journal, Journey Of Life, Journeys

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author avatar Deborah Judges
I I have kept Journals on and off for 38 years. Sometimes the words. thoughts and feelings fly from my mind to the page; just streaming through my fingers.

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author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
3rd Feb 2014 (#)

Frank and interesting share, Deborah. We all want to be remembered for the right reasons, but we should not be much bothered about what others think. Regarding toxic people, they are everywhere and, sometimes, quite contagious too! siva

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author avatar Deborah Judges
4th Feb 2014 (#)

My father died after a very long battle with an aggressive cancer.and he was a very Good Man. He had been an alcoholic and through God's Mercy and Grace he died a highly esteemed memner of his Community. I don't care what others think about me per se, I just want to be a positive ripple in there pond.

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author avatar Deborah Judges
4th Feb 2014 (#)

I'm sorry for the tone that message seemed to take (and also sorry for misspellings) If we all cared about how we really impact each others lives we'd live in a better society. You see I am a kind person. That's the way I want to be remembered. That's not some goal I am trying to achieve and am worrying about what others think. God just made me that way. I do thank-you Siva

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author avatar TriciaL
6th Feb 2014 (#)

Beautifully written and spoken from the heart.

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