Strange Collections and Tips to Survive Running out of Gas

J.W.Bogart By J.W.Bogart, 7th Jun 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/2yxe3apl/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Short Stories

Just sitting here making up lies. In my world stark reality and bullsh*t go hand in hand. Collecting boogers and running out of gas. Don't waste it eat it all

This Collection Will never Make it to the Smithsonian

One year when I was about 10 years old. After my mom had finished her spring cleaning. I discovered that my booger collection had vanished. I had kept it on the wall next to my bed for almost a year. I immediately ran in to inform my mom of the theft. Figuring I might get some cash from the insurance company to pay for the loss. I was devastated to learn that my dad had not had the collection added to the insurance. So it was not covered. A complete loss. In my 10 year old opinion such an oversight was inexcusable. So I gave him the silent treatment for the next month. But he didn't seem to notice. I could picture the thieves or their fence beaming with pride over the newly acquired collection. There were some prize boogers in that collection. My mom didn't seem to share the same feelings that I had over the loss. I began to suspect that maybe it was an inside job and she had something to do with the disappearance. She had probably pawned it for a fraction of its value. Then bought cigarettes or maybe a new wig. I never did solve the mystery. But as I lay on my bed brooding, and picking my nose. A thought came to mind. "One" I said. As I wiped a booger on the wall. Only 299 more and it will be back to where it was before the theft.

Out of gas again


As far as I know I am still the undisputed King at running out of gas. Who else do you know that has run out of gas more than once in the same day. So being an expert on the subject. I thought it would be helpful to everyone if I wrote a few tips. Not for avoiding running out of gas but dealing with the consequences. Nothing will stimulate the sense of fear faster than the driver announcing "Oh shit we're running out of gas" when you're 20 miles from the nearest paved road. Here are a few tips on how to deal with this situation. First put off killing the driver until you are completely out of gas. No sense committing murder just as you coast in to Wally's fillin' station in downtown Mayberry. The driver should grip the steering wheel as tightly as possible and all the passengers should rock back and forth in unison. If everyone breaks into a cold sweat a few extra miles can usually be squeezed out of the fumes.
Even worse than running out of gas with a carload of would be murderers is running out by yourself in the middle of nowhere. I ran out of gas in Nine mile canyon northwest of Inyokern Ca. one time. After walking for 3 hours a car finally pulled over and stopped. It was a Highway Patrolman. I thought I was on "Candid Camera" at first. I looked all over the car but I never could find a camera. Besides he took me all the way to Brady's gas station at the intersection of Highways 14 and 395. "Thank you officer Funt." I said. As he drove off.
By the looks of the place they weren't used to having customers. The white paint on the building was weathered and cracked. The restroom was a separate building off to one side and it's door hung at an angle by one hinge and creaked in the breeze. It looked like a ghost town in an old western movie. At first I didn't think anyone was even there. Then a man came walking out of the garage wiping his hands on a rag. He looked like he was wearing a set of those "hillbilly teeth" like they sell in novelty shops. But his were real. I told him I had run out of gas up in Nine mile canyon and I needed to buy a gas can and some gas. He said they had plenty of gas but they didn't sell gas cans. He did have one but it was a family heirloom. Handed down through the family for five generations. "I don’t think I can part with it for less than $40." He said. As I walked back to my truck carrying my $40 heirloom full of gas. I wondered to myself if a gallon of gas was enough to make it back to the station. Oh well it won’t be the first time I've run out of gas twice in the same day

You may want to skip the BBQ when you hear what's on the menu

They have an "International Market Place" in San Pablo. I was curious about what they might sell there so I went over to see for myself. I was quite surprised at some of the groceries they sell. The meat market has assholes. That's right assholes. Pig’s assholes to be precise. They call them bungs. They also have pig uteri. They call them pig uteri. No cover-ups on that one. I don't know what you would do with either one. Stuff them perhaps. As I stood there wondering what use anyone could possibly have for an asshole other than their own. The butcher came up and asked me if I needed any help. I thought for a second and said. "I've got all the bungs and uteri I need, do you have any goat scrotums?" He gave me a puzzled look so I just shrugged and walked away muttering "Looks like stuffed asshole again tonight"
This section is actually true except for that last quote. It's the only thing on the page that I didn't make up.

Tags

Collectables, Collections, Gas, Heirlooms, Out Of Gas, Rectums, Uteri

Meet the author

author avatar J.W.Bogart
In my world bullshit and stark reality go hand in hand I've read anything I could find for 50 yrs. I write mostly short humor

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