Suicide: An Option?

Ken Painter By Ken Painter, 16th Aug 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>True Stories

Have you EVER thought about taking your life? Perhaps you have. We all have low points. Right now, this author is literally climbing out of a really low point . . .

Suicide: An Option?

I wanted to kill myself last night. I was camped out on a mattress in the living room of our apartment with a couple of box cutters lying next to me on a wooden kitchen chair from having packed up boxes all day long. The mere fact that the sun rose this morning and that I didn’t reach for the cutters during the night testifies to the fact that I didn’t sink to the lowest depths of hell in my mind and do the horrible deed. But I’m in despair right now, lower than I’ve ever been perhaps, and I can understand how people can sink so low as to do it. I feel the need, the tug. I don’t know how my husband and I are going to make it through these next days, perhaps longer.

We’ve been getting a lot of rain in south-central Colorado, too much in fact. First it was fires in June that burned up a lot of area because of the drought. Then about six weeks ago monsoonal moisture moved into the area, but like everything seems to happen these days thanks to climate change everything over-corrects, and so when it rains, it really rains. We’ve been getting an inch of rain in 15 minutes time many, many times over the past several weeks, and the ground around here has become super-saturated. Some areas of the country may be able to handle this amount, but when you live in the mountains it can spell disaster. We’ve been on the national news a lot lately.

Our apartment complex lies nestled in the foothills, and our building happens to be at the lowest level of all, and, of course, we’re on the bottom floor next to a large hill, so when it rains and hails the runoff all comes right down upon us! Our bedroom has been the recipient of seepage four times in five weeks, but the most recent one earlier this week was the worst and a huge soppy mess, and so our complex has seen fit to relocate us permanently to another apartment in another building up on higher ground. Fine. Great! So what’s the problem?

My husband and I are in are early 60’s and our health isn’t that great. I’m disabled living on a fixed income. He works 50 hours per week just above minimum wage. We barely meet expenses. Our apartment lies at the bottom of 33 concrete steps (below the parking lot level). And so now we are packing up our stuff (as we are able) trying to haul it up these steps by golly and by dolly, and once there then trucking them another couple hundred feet uphill to the new apartment. Last evening we managed to move three boxes. Three! It took us 20 minutes after which we were too fatigued to do more. I’m sure we’ll make it by Christmas. After all, even the tortoise eventually crossed the finish line.

And so we turned in, all in, and after my husband started snoring eventually, I began to cry, quietly, but nevertheless. I just couldn’t help it. I prayed too. But I was too damned tired to control it.

I don’t know how we’re going to make. No money. No energy. No help. It even seems like no friends at the moment. God where are you?

Suicide? I thought about. Not an option. So far, I still have that much strength.


Cope With Stress, Coping, Coping With Stress, Non-Fiction, Suicidal, Suicide, Suicide And The Disabled, True Stories, True Story

Meet the author

author avatar Ken Painter
Retired Chicago public school teacher. Singer, songwriter, musician, author, & opinionated old curmudgeon. Married to my husband & living in Colorado, USA. Also a father & grandfather.

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author avatar Mark Gordon Brown
16th Aug 2013 (#)

Perhaps there is a teen or somebody looking to do volunteer work that could help you move your things, I am not sure how you can find such help in your area, but ask around.
I know that rain has its way of making people more depressed too.

I do hope things get better and the sun comes out for you soon.

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author avatar Ken Painter
16th Aug 2013 (#)

Thanks Mark! Actually, there is, in an apartment right across from us, and I forgot to include that in my narrative, but Lane and I discussed that just prior to going to sleep last night and that was one of the pieces of driftwood I was hanging on to. He's a nice high school kid and we've been helping his family. He's strong. In all my depressed state, I keep forgetting he's there. Yesterday was the first day in AGES it didn't rain in our part of town, and the forecast looks good for a few days still. We're hanging on like that cat in the picture who's hanging by her paws from the chin-up bar! That's us. We're tough old birds. but . . . I appreciate the comment.

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