The Adventure of Two Robbers and Their Victims on a Train

Lynne By Lynne, 12th Oct 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Humor

Just an offbeat, humorous short-story on the perils of victims of a certain crime act.

When The Writer Is Bored

Disclaimer & Warning : Name-calling, idiocy, thievery, major dose of silliness; excessive use of exclamation points, yo, hey, dude and bad grammar; the baboon might be offended if he reads this; you might also be annoyed halfway through; I think the kitchen sink is also in there somewhere if you can find it ;) I also take no responsibility for your deteriorating eyesight or state of mind after you manage to read this, but I dare you to anyway without complaining J Whatever, enjoy dudes!!

Disclaimer 2 : This is supposed to be a comedy, but hey.

Disclaimer 3 : I DO NOT condone robbery/mugging/etc. All offenders should be caught and have the Law laid down on them. Seriously. Etc etc.

One day, two bungling robbers decide to rob a train. One robber is an imbecile, while the other is a little less clever. But then, their victims are not God's most intelligent creatures either. And so, the stories goes......

Robber 1 "FREEZE!! This is a hold-up!.....Eh...Sorry! Should be, "Freeze! This is the Police!'"

Robber 2 "NO! It should be, ‘Don't move! This is a hold-up!' How ‘bout using another line?"

Robber 1 "Oh, Okay! Yo, dude! What's happening? This is a pick-up!"

Robber 2 "Not ‘pick-up', you fool! ‘Stick-up'! it's a STICK-UP!!"

Robber 1 "Sorry! Yo...I said this is a stick-up!"

Victim 1 "Oh my! It's Jesse James, The Sundance Kid and The Highway Men! This is a stick-up!"

Victim 2 "Eh....What's that? Who is stuck to what?"

Victim 3 "Nobody's stuck, silly! And they're not Jesse-what's-his-name. They're just a couple of idiotic thieves."

Robber 1 "Hey! Who're you calling thieves? We ain't no thieves!"

Victim 3 "But you're idiotic, right?"

Robber 2 "Ya'll know what we are? We're what gonna make you sweat blood and tears if we don't see some cash flapping around pretty soon...! Yo, old man, quit the play-acting and start passing on the hat. I wanna see some generous offerings today, heh-heh!"

Robber 1 "Yeah! Heh-heh... Give and it shall be given ya, ain't that right? Don't ya fellas know we're two wretched, hungry sinners here?"

Victim 2 "Eh? What's that? What two fat, ugly cleaners? What are they doing here?"

Victim 1 giggles "They're ugly, all right."

Robber 1 "Hey.... We ain't no cleaners, and we ain't fat neither!"

Victim 3 "But you're ugly, right?"

Robber 1 "Huh...? Well....ah... Now, see here. I ain't no Miss Universe..."

Robber 2 "MISTER Universe, idiot! Ya want them to call ya sissy?"

Victim 1 and 3 "Hey, watch it, being a Miss is not being a Sissy!"

Robber 2 rolls his eyes "Whatever man! Ya'll know what I mean!"

Victim 3 sniffs "Sadly, I do. And I am not nor will I ever be, a Man. Carry on, fool."

Victim 2 "Eh, who da man?"

So everyone else pretty much just ignores him, Victim 2 J

Robber 1 "Huh....ah... Anyways, like I said, I ain't no MISTER Universe, and me pardner here ain't no Sunshine himself, but I betcha the Queen herself will pick me over you anytime...."

Victim 3 "Oh, really? Well, of all the unspeakable, asinine thing!! I'll have you know, my fine fellow, that the Queen (God bless her soul) is a sweet old thing who would reel at the sight of you. My goodness, I bet your mother left home just to get rid of the sight of you!"

Robber 1 "Me mama ain't never left home cos of me! She ran away with a traveling sales-man.."

Victim 3 "Huh! A likely story."

Robber 1 "And I'll have ya know I ain't no idiot...nohow!"

Victim 3 "Oh, shut up and grow a beard!"

Robber 1 "Aha!! Give up, ain't ya? I knew ya're all talk and no action! Sour!"

Victim 3 "Idiot! Silly, ridiculous green-nosed baboon...! Not so clever, are you? Have you forgotten what you're here for? Aren't you suppose to take our money? Fat-faced, blue-eared....."

Robber 1 "Oh....that's right! We really came here to mug ya all, ain't we, pardner??"

Robber 2 "As truth herself speaks. Now then, people, let's see some dough!"

Victim 1 "'Do'! Oh, you mean ‘hair-do', don't you? Well, how do you like my hair? I did it myself. Actually, I like it better in curls, you know, like Maryline Monroe's, but I ...."

Robber 2 "Not ‘hair-do', silly! DOUGH!! Ya know, ‘money, cash, dime, pennies'. And I don't like your hair! What'd you do to it, anyhow? Run a plough through it?"

Victim 1 "Well!! Of all the....! Some people never know how and when to appreciate beauty!"

Robber 1 "Gee, I like her hair, pard. Looks cute!"

Victim 1 "Why, thank you kindly, sir. You speak like a gentleman, even if you don't look or smell like one!"

Robber 1 "Aww, shucks!"

Robber 2 "Hey! What's going on around here, anyhow? Ain't we gonna rob somebody? ANYBODY??"

Robber 1 "Aw right, everybody! Quit yapping around and do what you're suppose to do!"

Victim 1 "Gosh! That's right! You guys are here to take our money, aren't you? Well, then, why didn't you say so?"

Victim 2 "Eh? What's that? What's going on? And why are you pointing that stick at me, young man?"

Robber 2 "This ain't no stick! It's a pistol! What are ya, blind or something?"

Victim 2 "Eh? WINE?! What wine? Where? Who's got wine? Young man, did you say wine? Well, then, let's to the party!!!"

Robber 2 "Who said anythin' about wine? I only want your money, so start diggin'!"

Victim 2 "Honey? You want honey? And why should I dig for honey? What tomfoolery. Any idiot knows honey grows on trees, not bubbling around like some lava-pool!"

Robber 2 "NOT HONEY! MONEY, MONEY, MONEY...! Idiot, idiot, idiot...!"

Victim 1 "Thought you want our money? What are you yelling around for an idiot for? And don't flap around me like that! I'm getting dizzy."

Robber 1 "You're gonna get a lot more dizzy if you let your friend over there upset my pard more. He's a real fire-eater, me pardner is! So don't you go ‘round messing with him no more."

Robber 2 "ENOUGH!! I can't take no more of this...this...baboonin'-‘round..."

Robber 1 "Er...It's clowning-‘round, pardner."

Victim 2 "Huh? What clown?"

Robber 2 "Never you mind! Just give us your money!!"

Victim 2 "Honey?"

Robber 2 "MONEY!"

Victim 2 "Money?"

Robber 2 "Yes! Money, money, money!"

Victim 2 "Where?"

Robber 2 "In your pocket!"

Victim 2 "Whose pocket? Mine?"

Robber 2 "YES!! Your pocket!"

Victim 2 "What's your money doing in my pocket?"


Victim 2 "Huh, so it is. What's the problem then?"

Robber 2 "I'M ROBBING YA, SEE?? Grrrrr..."

Robber 1 "Er... Maybe I'd better do the talkin', pardner. They're just simple idiots."

Robber 2 "Oh sure. They're idiots. It takes an idiot to make sense of another idiot!"

Robber 1 "!!..'scuse me? Did ya call me an idiot, partner?"

Robber 2 "An idiot? Did I call ya an idiot? ‘course not, idiot!! I'm your pardner, ain't i?"

Robber 1 "Well yeah, guess so..."

Robber 2 "'Course so! Now let us rob some people, pardner!"

And so they robbed some people. The end. Nobody lived happily ever after there, but there's entertainment I'm sure. The end again. Maybe I'll edit or continue this, I don't know. Spare me. I don't think I can without a jolly good drink and a rare moment of insanity. The end part three.


Bad English, Bad Grammar, Humor, Humorous Story, Old People, Robbers, Short Fiction, Short Story, Slangs, Slapstick Humor, Train Robbery, Trains

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author avatar Lynne
Aspiring writer. Positive and hopeful attitude. Always willing to make new friends.

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author avatar More Hearts
12th Oct 2013 (#)

lol those robbers have issues, next time they decide to rob people they need to make a better plan or do some shootin , seems like they got confused for a minute guess that was the funny part. it was funny to me that they didn't take robery too serious or do it quickly, reminded me of the three stooges in a way on the other hand I was wondering if the robbers ever got any money out of the

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author avatar Lynne
13th Oct 2013 (#)

Oh, the Three Stooges, lovely comparison and thanks for reading this =D

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