The Demon Of Silence

EmpressStarred Page By Empress, 3rd Apr 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/17lzb1z0/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Columns & Opinions

In my life's journey I am learning to face my demons one by one. Tonight I face and release my demon of silence. To finally be able to open up, speak loudly and tell the stories, the feelings that I have lived through.

INSOMNIA CREEPING IN

I wish I could be sleeping. I can feel the insomnia creeping back in on me. Little by little, it edges its way closer to me, like a sly tiger encroaching upon it's prey. I fight it every night. An inner battle feverishly brewing within my soul. But it's not nightmares or unrest that brings the insomnia back this time around. In fact, I've almost never felt this at peace with so much of myself. There appears to be a finality. A balance, to my angels and demons now. They still rage on, but on equal ground. But...I won't deny that my demons still plague me. Still control aspects of me that I wish they could let go of, that I wish I could finally control for myself. But it's far more peaceful. Each demon of mine that I face calms an inner storm within me and brings me one step further towards the inner peace I've been searching for for so long. This insomnia though, is a demon in itself. That keeps my lying awake at night, not allowing my brain to shut down. Constantly running memories and thought processes through my head. Unrelenting to the pleading and begging of sleep.

DEMONS OF SILENCE

What is the purpose of this insomnia? If not a horrible assault of demons crashing down upon me that leaves me shivering in fear all night than what possibly could it be that leaves me lying here tossing and turning? If peace has finally begun it ascent around me there should be no need for this. But there is always a need for everything in this life. Everything good is coupled with something bad. Light and dark, sweet and sour, demon and angel. Truly, my insomnia has a very clear purpose. The purpose for which I write tonight. A vision, a moment of clarity that I must get upon paper before it slips through my fingers and is lost to the angels of the dark. As so many know, I've been on a mission to face and destroy the demons of my past. To pull forward the monsters within me and finally release the anger that swells deep inside my bosom. I have been transparent, and very open with everyone about my life, about who I am, and everything I have seen. But I have not divulged all. There is always a wall, sometimes thick, other times covered in poisonous barbs that keep me from speaking out about everything. I forever have a voice inside me telling me not to say too much. That nobody wants to hear it all, that they do not care. But with the insomnia ever creeping closer it has come to light that it no longer matters if anyone cares or if anyone even wants to hear it. It must be told. I will never achieve my inner peace, nor will I be fully happy without finally releasing the demon of silence.

THE UNWANTED'S ANGUISH

I have forever called myself the Unwanted. That child born into a world that did not want her there. The one that stands just outside the circle and watches from the shadows, always reaching with outstretched fingers to try and just touch the light emanating softly from within. I've been passed from person to person. Born to a teenage girl that never wanted me, never loved me. Passed on to a grandmother that felt obligated to care for me, and a grandfather with no biological children of his own. Only loved by him. Only protected by his hand. And yet, he couldn't protect me. Not well enough. Beaten and raped at 9 months old by my mother's husband. They say you can't have memories before you are three, but there are moments when I can still feel it. Maybe not picture it, or recall per say, but I can feel it nonetheless. It's like a violation, and intrusion on my innocence that destroyed something deep inside of me. Something I will forever be searching for but never will find. I will say, I grew very attached to my grandfather after that. Glued to his side. Most of my childhood I only recall him. My grandmother and grandfather adopted me when I was 3. It should have been a better life after that. I should have stayed feeling protected and safe, but there were other plans afoot for me. He, my grandfather, my father, my hero began to go blind when I was 4. By the time I finished kindergarten he was legally blind, only able to see shadows moving through a dark fog. I alone, felt the pain he went through. I watched sadly, unable to do anything but stay close by. I would spend years reading to him, helping him with household chores, caring for him while everyone was working and taking care of themselves.
I sat by and watched as his soul died within him. Everyday he got angrier, more and more tormented by his own demons. The most peaceful times were when I'd find him lying on the floor in the living room. I'd lie down beside him and I'd reach out and touch his hand. And by instinct he would rub his thumb in small circles over the soft part between my thumb and forefinger. Some days I can still feel it.

NEVER COINCIDENCES

I will never say I was a complete angel. I tested and pushed quite often. I wanted nothing more than to slough off the darkness, the pain and the torment that tugged at me everyday. I wanted to run away from all of it. To find a safe place somewhere, to find someone that could protect me...keep me from the harm the pain that continued to be bestowed upon me by everyone else. My family was not a happy family towards me. Always pushing me down, forever using me as the scapegoat, the reason for all bad that came to them. A bad person...a demon...that's what they called me. Bad luck born into their world. I stole my mother's husband at nine months old, I stole my grandfather's (fathers) sight at 4 years old, I caused my aunt (sister) to get an addiction to crack at 17, I destroyed the innocence of three boys by allowing them to rape me. The accusations they have thrown at me have followed on silent feet my whole life. I still to this day am told that I destroyed the family. That I caused my parent's (grandparents) cancer that led to their deaths. An angel of death. I held their hands as they took their last breaths. I was there. It must be my fault. This is what my family tells me.
In all honesty, I can't deny that these bad things happened so coincidentally each time I was around. I don't believe in coincidence, never have. All things are planned for a reason. People are placed in my life for a purpose. Just as I am alive and here. No, I never wished for any bad things to come. No, none of it is my fault. I know all this. I've come to terms with it. But that does not mean that I am never haunted by the ghosts of what if's.

OUR SEARCH

I still have many demons within me. Most are locked away, kept chained to the thick walls I have built around me. I've seen so much, felt so much in my life. Things that can never be undone. And I don't regret any. There is no room in my life for regrets. There is no reason to feel sorrow from it either. I am who I am because of everything I've been through. I'm at peace with so much already. And you may wonder why. It's a simple answer. In this life we are all inevitably searching for something. All looking for one absolute. No, not the meaning of life. Though it seems to be the one question we all ask ourselves. I don't. I know it already. I always have. I'm not writing now to give the meaning of life. Nor would I want to ever spoil the ending for anybody. Let's call it my one secret. Truly, we are all searching for that other half of us. For we are all born as only half of something greater. Something stronger. Like yin and yang, light and dark.

MY PROTECTOR

I'm tired of hearing people say they are whole by themselves. Nobody is ever whole all on their own. Even if you die alone, you never were alone. Even if you think you have not found the other half, it doesn't matter. The other half of you will find you, dead or not. You will know it when it arrives. Whether it be half way across the world, or right in front of you. When you find the other half, you know it. It clicks. You can feel it with every breath you take, and every beat of your heart. When they hurt, you hurt. When they cry inside, you cry outside. You can feel them within you.
This is why I'm at such peace now. This is the reason. I truly believe I have found my other half. I would go through the darkest pits of hell for him. I have given him every part of me, every demon and every angel within me is his. And I trust him wholly and fully with my very life. I never thought I could do that. I never imagined that I would finally find my safety. But I have. I feel the connection get stronger each day. I don't say I hope he feels the same. Somehow I already know he does. Words are not really needed.

DEMON RELEASED

And so, this is why my insomnia creeps back. Because my story is still unfinished. Because I haven't allowed my soul to speak out and tell the world everything. After all, there is so much. So many little stories, feelings, wisdom, knowledge that I have. My only fear being that if I speak it will fall upon deaf ears. Tonight I've spoken out a bit. I have let some emotions of my soul, my life out. I have opened my soul window just a bit further than a crack for all to see. And I do it knowing full well I could be judged. Knowing that I could be criticized or beat down for it. But I also know that I have my protection. I know that he will not allow anyone to touch me. I can finally feel at peace enough to speak up and be heard.
The demons shall rest for now...I have faced, and released yet another one tonight.

Tags

Life, Life Journey, Love And Soul, Pain, Pain Sorrow, Protected, Protector, Safe, Silence, Unwanted, Unwanted People

Meet the author

author avatar Empress
I write and have published poetry and was editor of the school newspaper all through highschool. I can write a variety of different genres from articles to novels

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Comments

author avatar cnwriter..carolina
3rd Apr 2014 (#)

very interesting and we all have our own realisations and knowings of ourselves...

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author avatar Retired
3rd Apr 2014 (#)

Great story! Many have demons that they must face in order to feel whole. I am glad that you have found some peace.

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
3rd Apr 2014 (#)

I love meditation and being away from the crowd, it helps me replenish and rejuvenate myself as I hear the voice of God. The fact is that I call it solitude and it helps me be myself.
Sorry that you go negative in silence, it does mean you are a people person and not mixing with people could be making you paranoid.
Demons attack when you are on a low vibration, change your thinking and learn to think positive as your article shows a lot of negativity, although I wouldn't say it is you, you know your true self best.

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
3rd Apr 2014 (#)

Insomnia is when you are afraid in spirit to go in front of your maker. Its all about your life and deeds. You go positive you sleep better, its the spirit that is in guilt for something it knows it shouldnot have done but it did.

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author avatar Empress
3rd Apr 2014 (#)

Lady Aiyanna, you continue to purposely avoid the positive in my articles and focus on negative that does not exist. You are like a cancerous tumour that I continue to cut out and yet you grow back. I have no guilt that plagues me, nor do I fear facing my maker. I can feel every ounce of spite and hatred in your heart. You must face your own demons and leave the rest of us alone. Your jealousy over my talent and others is very prominent and clear, keep working hard and you will eventually reach the spirituality you are searching for. I am at peace, please stop trying to destroy it, it will not work.

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author avatar cnwriter..carolina
4th Apr 2014 (#)

wow Empress thank you so much for writing what you did that Alyanna person who does the same with her negativity to so many of us. Good on you me darlin'..lots of loving and light...

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author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
5th Apr 2014 (#)

Interesting post!

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author avatar Empress
5th Apr 2014 (#)

Thank you. I could just delete the comments but I'm tired of hiding her negativity. Each piece I write has positivity in it and she tries her hardest to make others focus on the negative. I have journeyed so far and so long, battled long and hard to get to my point of peace. I will not shy away from someone else's negative aura. Sometimes you must stand up and fight for what's right

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author avatar Empress
5th Apr 2014 (#)

And just for the record Lady Aiyana, I spend a massive portion of my time in solitude as I do enjoy being alone. But I also enjoy being a people person. I am here on earth to help others and give love to those who need it. My reading on you says that you are deeply stuck in a dark hole and you are trying to pull others down to your level. If I must step into the dark to pull you to the light I will

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author avatar NiteMonster
20th Apr 2014 (#)

Dismiss this negative detractor who seems to be a vampire of the positive soul. Stand proud and protected.

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author avatar Empress
26th Apr 2014 (#)

protected?

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author avatar Lisa
8th Jun 2014 (#)

You need help lots and lots of counceling

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author avatar Empress
14th Jul 2014 (#)

Oh Lisa. Do not judge me for my choice of lifestyle. It was not for you. That is your choice but it is for me. It brings peace to my soul. Even my therapist agrees my dear. I'm sorry that things did not work out with Rob for you. But do not take it out on me. I've had enough punishment given to me for your indiscretions

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