The Difference Between Fake and Real in BDSM

Empress By Empress, 4th Mar 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Sexuality & Gender

Trying to sort through all the talk and figure out the difference between a fake and a real Dom or sub can be hard. Here's hoping this piece helps sift through it all and gives a clearer picture.

BDSM

There has been a topic on my mind for quite some time now that I have only recently felt the urge to write about. Problem is, I have a hard time figuring out how to start it, or even how to go about it. So I figured that today would be the day that I give it a try. No harm in trying right? I mean if I fail miserably, then at least I know where I screwed up and can try again another time. I do a great deal of writing about my personal experiences, about how to see the rainbow after the storm, and sometimes, I touch base on the submissive inside of myself. Today, like always is no different. I will use personal experiences from my own life to try to drive my opinion across the threshold. But, there may not be much of a rainbow....I'll try to squeeze one in, but I'm not sure if, on a topic like this one there even is a rainbow.
The topic is a simple one. BDSM. No surprise there, I live in the lifestyle. But there has been a great deal of uproar within the vast community itself about what entails true BDSM. Many words have been thrown around, the biggest one being fake. And this is where my topic begins. How and if fake actually exists at all.

In The Name of Fake

Fake can be such a harmful and durogatory name when used in the wrong way. And so, I try my best not to use it as much as possible. But, still I find myself using it enough when in discussions with some people about the difference between some Doms and other Doms, or those subs and these subs. It's easy to categorize them based on true or fake. Now I sit here and wonder if fake is even possible. I believe it is, but the line is very thin, and nearly impossible to see.
In order to see the line, I would have to go as far as to dissect every aspect of BDSM in it's entirety. This would take forever in my opinion. I know what I am, and I know what I look for in a Dom. I know what my lifestyle of choice entails. I've heard from many that I am what is known as a natural or true submissive. I won't dispute that. Not even a little bit. But what makes the true difference between what I choose as my own path and what others do? What makes me true and others fake? Is it like a gay man calling a bisexual man fake? Is there possibly levels to this just as in every other form?

My Beliefs

Here is my beliefs on BDSM. And please, again, as I've always asked don't judge me on what I believe, because I do not judge others either. I'm just merely trying to point out my personal opinion on what BDSM has done and is for me. And even so, I'm not sure if I would even classify if as BDSM. I'm part of their world yes, but in a grander and more superfluous way than others may be. My belief in it is based solely and one hundred percent on trust and communication. It's also based on having a connection, feeling, and emotion behind it. I'm on the M/s side of things. The Master/slave connection. This is something that I have found that I need within my regular day to day life. 24/7. Through all of my experiences when I am with a Master is the only time I am at my best. And yes, I am a masochist. I do enjoy pain. About as much as I enjoy pleasing my Master. But this isn't something I take lightly at all. In fact, it is a serious devotion to me. My entire being rests within the sanctity of this connection. Which is why for me, it is so important to have trust, communication, emotion and of course connection. There is love, and there is warmth within my constrictions. A safety. I know that he will never actually harm me and that anything is done is purely consensual.
The other part of my belief seems to be very contrary to the mainstream beliefs about BDSM. It's not all about sex. Not at all. This is where the line seems to get blurred, and this is where the fake term seems to come into play the most. And this is where I have my mind mostly thinking on. Although, yes there is a great deal of sexual gratification to be had within it's walls, it really is just a bonus to the whole experience. At least, for someone like me who is has it so deeply ingrained within me. Simply put, as a natural submissive, I can't function properly without having someone to micro manage (in a way) my day to day life. For me, giving all my trust, and my life to a Master, is the only way to achieve full safety and fulfillment in my life. Again, I'm asking for no judgement here. We all have opinions and beliefs, this is a part of mine and I hold it dear to my heart. For me to come out so openly about it, is scary enough so I ask for nothing less than support and if not support then at least bite your tongue and not say the harsh things you wish to say. I will admit that this side of life can be....dark, perhaps scary and harmful to some. Wanting to be at the mercy of someone, to be hurt in specific ways can in fact seem very strange and not right in some eyes. This is why the whole idea of BDSM is such a taboo subject. I'm not going into that side of it too much though, I merely want to try and make a distinction between fake and real today.

The Fake submissive

So as I said before, where the real problem lies is in the idea of the sexual part of the BDSM world. There are certainly many different distinctions and categories within BDSM to begin with. All of which I have either seen, experienced or heard of and so I'm fairly well versed. And of course, I've spoken to a great deal of different individuals themselves from Doms to subs on what their take is on fake and real. Coincidentally enough it seems that everyone, no matter which aspect of the lifestyle they live agree to some degree on what categorizes fake compared to real.
At first glance my idea of a fake sub for example was someone who just took on several different Doms within a span of days or weeks. Someone who was entirely masochistic and just wanted the sex part. When speaking to these subs or seeing some of the different things they would do or go through I, personally, would cringe and feel afraid for them. In my eyes it seems so dangerous, so scary and so threatening. To give in to any Dom, not really knowing who they are truly and let them do some of the most unspeakable and harmful things to your body all in the name of sexual gratification seems entirely unthinkable and irresponsible in my thought process. But.....it is consensual, they do have safety words (I don't believe in safety words myself, merely because the one I submit to is going to be a long term lover so to speak who will be able to read me and respond accordingly...trust) and so, after long debate within my head I've decided that these subs are not fake....just in a different color of the BDSM spectrum than myself. Again, I personally don't believe that to be real but....that is because I would never do that. I won't judge them, this is their life and this is what they want so good for them. As long as it's safe and consensual, all the power to them. Now, this doesn't mean that there are not any fake subs....this just means that the roleplay subs as they are called, are not fake. They are in fact real as can be, but just want the BDSM to stay within a certain parameter of their own comfort level. I would ask you what you believe a fake sub to be, and I'm sure that I would hear an answer similar to someone just joining the community because they think they might like it. In fact, no. It's quite a friendly and open community, I've never really seen as much support for eachother as in the BDSM world. Just because you are new to it doesn't make you fake. The fake ones in fact, are the real life, real world men and women that watch a BDSM porn, or read a book such as Fifty Shades and decide "I'm going to try it" These fake subs walk into the community believing already that they know everything and what they have seen or read is exactly what will happen. They mislead a Dom on by pretending to be submissive and then once things get a little too hard they turn and run, most likely pressing some sort of assault charges upon the Dom because....they just didn't really know what being submissive really was. This is a fake sub in my opinion. The fake sub is the one that walks in claiming to be a natural sub, claiming to know all there is to know, and then BOOM. Once they realize it's more than what they saw or read they panic. I've seen far too many Doms end up with assault charges because of these subs. Far too many that claim it was not consensual once they decided they didn't like it. This fake sub gives all of us other subs, new and old, a very bad name.

The Fake Dominant

Now, there really is only one type of fake Dom, and we all are well aware of these ones. Abusive, self indulgent, selfish, sadistic, egotistical pieces of s**t that lure subs in with the promise of dominance only to use and abuse them for their own selfish greedy needs. I'm chuckling a bit whilst I write this, merely because I can almost hear you saying "isn't that what a Dominant is?" Here is the reality. A dominant is not a selfish person at all. He puts the needs of his sub, whether in roleplay or real life, ahead of his own. He respects and cares for his sub because he understands the true strength and the power with which he has been given. Even in roleplay this is how it works. There is an exchange of power that goes on, with the sub handing full control and power to the Dom she is actually holding the greatest power. A real Dom understands this, he respects it, and he cares for it. He will not cross the line, he will never go further than his sub can handle, and he cares for her once the session is over. He is as much there for her as she is for him. (I'm saying him for Dom and her for sub only because I am a female sub. It can go the other way as well, and I fully support that too) A fake Dom does NOT care what happens to the sub at all. He merely thinks of his own personal needs and how to get them. He abuses the power he has been given, he disrespects the sub and he walks away from her after harming her in severe ways. Quite often these fakers end up giving Doms a bad name in general and which is why BDSM itself has such a stigma attached to it. I personally have found myself at the hands of one of these fake Doms. Sometimes, they are not that easy to spot. They can put on great facades and seem entirely true to nature until you are in the thick of it and realize that you feel worse about yourself than you ever have before. They are not good people and some don't even call them fake, they call them players. I call them fake....fake is such a more harsh word. Player....just sounds like it's a game. And I am completely insulted when anyone says in any way shape or form that BDSM in any aspect is a game and nothing more. To me it's like saying your religion or your choice to be gay is a game....life is not a game, none of this from religion to being gay, being submissive, or being dominant is a game. It is our lives, it is what we are. Again, I'm going off topic, the concept of BDSM as being what we are and not just a lifestyle is a topic best left for another day. Interesting one to say the least, but not the one I'm discussing.

My Conclusions

I sure hope I have made some sort of sense out of this whole topic. Even if just a little bit. I do so much hate that I've even had to write the differences between fake and real, but it's been such a long standing debate within our world. I've been enticed into this particular conversation more times than I've wanted to and have always ended up getting the same clarification at the end. The truth of the matter is.......the fake ones that hide amidst our community are nothing more than posers. Very good ones, that for whatever reason they have, destroy so much of the trust and faith we as Doms and subs have for one another. Not to mention the horrible stigma these posers are placing upon us. Our way of life is faced with so much judgement and scrutiny to begin with and these posers are doing nothing but causing more harm.
Now that I've opened my little Pandora's Box and let the world see just a bit of my mind, my world, and the lifestyle I am proud to be a part of, I sure hope that I've helped my fellow Pernermals (Doms/subs) be able to recognize the fake ones. And I hope that those of you that do not belong to our lifestyle can better understand us a little bit, and realize that we are not abusive freaks of nature. That the real Doms/Dommes out there are truly wonderful caring men and women who give selflessly. And that the real subs out there are supportive and loving, caring and strong individuals. We work well together, we mesh well, and we bond tight as a community. And although our needs be it sexual or otherwise are a bit different from the rest, we are still all human in the end and we still respect eachother.

Tags

Bdsm, Fake, Fakes Or Real, Real, Sexual Attitudes, Sexual Life

Meet the author

author avatar Empress
I write and have published poetry and was editor of the school newspaper all through highschool. I can write a variety of different genres from articles to novels

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Comments

author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
1st Apr 2014 (#)

Very interesting theme and post as well!

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author avatar Empress
2nd Apr 2014 (#)

Sorry Lady Aiyanna but I delete judgmental comments on my pieces from now on. I will not to be tolerant anymore of any of your comments. Anything I find judgmental will be deleted from my work, as I am very proud of it.

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author avatar Fantasy Arts
22nd Dec 2016 (#)

I absolutely loved this, it explained everything so well, I've seen both sides of the Dom, the fake and real, same goes for the sub. I've actually showed this article to a few of my friends that never really understood what it meant for me to be a sub and made jokes about it, but after showing them this I've actually had some friends try it out and realize that they fit on one side of the spectrum of either being a sub or Dom. Thanks for writing this X3

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author avatar Jen
29th Aug 2017 (#)

Hey I loved reading your article. When I was learning what it meant when M or others called me a true sub, I also assumed it meant I was real and others were fakes. But that's not actually what most mean when they say true submissive. This page may explain it much better than I could. www.asubmissivesjourney.com/internet_submissives.html

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