The Doors Of Life

Empress By Empress, 6th Jun 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Columns & Opinions

One door closes and another one opens in it's place. Over and over and over again. When does the journey of doorways end and the happiness begin? And with each new threshold I walk over I am changing and becoming tougher, colder, more cynical. Is it even possible to find the doorway to my dreams?

One Door Closes

They say that when one door closes another one opens. It has been my very clear and concise experience and knowledge into this matter that for the most part this is true. I have never doubted that when something in my life comes to an end or a storm passes over me that it will indeed bring something greater to my doorstep. It is with this belief and way of thinking that I have been able to overcome so many emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting trials, and have always come up for air at the end with something better at the shoreline waiting for me. There are times though, when I wonder if the something better, could perhaps be worse. If perhaps I should just shut both doors for a while and save my breath. Deep down I know that would never happen. For both doors to shut, or for one not to open when the other closes would be certain death. Death is the fear that keeps me moving on and living with each setback. Knowing full well that if that second door for some insane reason doesn't open I will be forever dead, either physically or mentally.
My way of thinking has caused friction in my relationships with others as well. Certainly, I don't believe that everyone must subscribe to my belief and I do my best not to force it upon others as well. But in reality there are so many people that have a hard time realizing that I can, and do, rise up from the bottom and cross through that second door happier and better off each time. I've had many wonder how it is even possible not to carry my scars and baggage through life with me. Honestly, it's not hard to do and I personally can not understand why others can not find this as simple as I do. And it's not like I don't have scars or baggage either. I do. I have been hurt badly in my life and have become known to be very difficult to get to know. I don't often let people get too close to me and rarely allow anyone to see the softer part of me. That. for sure is a scar and baggage all rolled into one. It's a trust issue that I, possibly, could let go. But thus far have refused to. Not that I don't allow for trust in any of my relationships...just that I don't allow the trust to go beyond a certain level before I shut that door myself. A safety mechanism, so to speak. Like a child lock on a medicine cabinet.

Another One Opens

But I am starting to wonder if perhaps with each door I walk through am I possibly becoming more cold? More cynical towards life in general? I become stronger and happier each time but I also lose more and more faith in the people around me. Each time I have to close a door it is the result of some hurt, the result of something that has been done to me when I have tried to open myself up. I open a new door, cross the threshold and slough off the old skin that I once was. And with each new skin I don, it becomes tougher, and less likely to scar.
But that is merely the positive part. Each time I cross through yet another doorway, I become far more independent and far less likely to warm up to anyone. It also seems to drain more of my energy. And people that are on the other side of that threshold just don't seem to understand. Yes, I'm tougher, and far less likely to scar. But the scars from past doorways are not just skin deep. The run to the core of my being. Unkissed, unloved scars that remind me everyday of the doors I have slammed and locked behind me.

And Another One Closes

Just once, I would like to stop having to close doors and open new ones. Just once I would like to become comfortable with what is already ahead of me instead of waiting on pins and needles for the next door to slam shut behind me. Is this a fruitless wish? Can it be possible to just be satisfied with door number 80 instead of waiting to see what is behind door number 81? It's not like I want to continue this path. And of course, I do understand that part of life is watching some doors close and being given new doors, new opportunities to replace the long slammed and locked ones. But just for a little while, I would like to try and soften this tough skin of mine, to just walk through the doorway, take my shoes off and sit a while. Learn to let my skin scar again.
I don't want to grow cold, or cynical. I want to continue to have faith in life and humanity. I want to be able to always have faith and trust in the people around me and be unafraid to be scarred.

And Another One Opens

Basically, I would prefer to walk through a doorway that leads me to companionship, love, gratefulness, and acceptance of who and what I am. The people or person on the other side of that door will have to work hard and help me soften this tough hide and bring me back up from this cold, dark, cynical place that I seem to have found myself.
So instead of deciding to stop walking through doorways, I will continue this journey. I will continue to watch each door close with a broken heart and I will continue to step through to the next one, until I find one that won't shut on me. That is, after all, what life is all about.

Tags

Doors To Opportunities, Doorway, Journey Of Life

Meet the author

author avatar Empress
I write and have published poetry and was editor of the school newspaper all through highschool. I can write a variety of different genres from articles to novels

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