The Meanderings of a "Not So Good" Daughter...

Lisa Partee By Lisa Partee, 12th May 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Personal Experiences

Just trying to work through the complicated mother/daughter relationships...

The Meanderings of a "Not So Good" Daughter...

Sometimes I don’t know which I prefer more-the end of a day or the beginning of a new one. Neither seem to bring any relief. I do not understand why I simply just ache sometimes. Sometimes, the tears are so close…. I am doing everything I know how to do to be okay…I’m working. My house is clean. I, by the grace of God, am clean and sober. I am being the very best, accountable, accessible, loving mother I know how to be. I’m trying to be a better friend. I’m embracing what I love to do the very most in the whole wide world; writing. I’m learning to play nicely with others; saying “please and thank you.” I’m being kinder and gentler with the people I come in contact with; I no longer feel the need to bully or intimidate or barrel over others. I’m talking to God regularly…I believe that to the best of my ability, I am seeking His will for my life. Why don’t I feel better? Why am I just sorta uncomfortable and achey on the inside?

I have known hard times. Lonely times. Scared times. Homeless times. Addicted times. Dis-connected times. Unloved times. Horrible times. But my life does not look like that now. What could be wrong? What is my lesson at this particular place? (thinking….)

I guess sometimes, the lesson is to just “be.” Maybe, I am to learn how to just “wade in the waters.” Maybe I should be observing something that until now, I have not given enough attention.

I think that it would be really nice if I had a mother that I could call in times like these. I imagine, if I had a mother that I could call in times like these, that she would be so warm and safe. My mom does not live far from me…she’s just across the bridge from my house. But I am so afraid to cross that bridge. I have not talked to her since December 4. That was the night my newest grandgirl was born. Oh, there are stories on top of stories that I could tell trying to explain what happened that particular night…but I don’t think I can tell them yet. Those stories are still attached to places that are still pretty delicate and sore and if I were to try to speak of them now, I’m sure I would only accomplish confirming what she thinks about me. Crazy, sick, evil, mean, bad. (deep breath) yeah…if I tried to frame these unintelligible feelings inside me in a sentence and then maybe into a story that made sense, complete with facts and timelines, maybe I could stop being so, so very angry with her. Maybe I could tell her that it was not just that one thing…or maybe that other time when…maybe I could stand before her as a woman-not a completely hysterical 12 year old-and just say it. Maybe I could tell her how I do not really hate her…I could maybe tell her that now I am a mother who has been forgiven for so much and I understand…but for now, neither of us is safe with the other.

I can’t do that yet. I don’t want to go to her and tell her how I am different now. When that day comes, and I know that it will, I hope to stand before my mother and show her the work God has done in my life. I can show her the mother I am to my babies. I can show her how to be careful with people’s feelings and lives and short-comings and frailties and deficits and hopes and dreams and fears…because, I hope at that time, I will be able to do that for her, as well.

I know that “love” is never better than the “lover.” I know that that hurt people give love that hurts others. And I know that broken people will give love that breaks the spirit in the object of it’s affection. And I am starting to understand that some people give love that threatens to choke and smother anybody that is too close. I guess my prayer, at this point, is to take the things I “know” and pull them into my heart to protect me so that I am okay and safe when I encounter these certain types of people.

Well, again, I guess all that is better out than in.

Peace and Blessings,

Lisa P.


Daughters, Distance, Fear, Healing, Hurt, Mothers, Mothers Day, Women

Meet the author

author avatar Lisa Partee
My name is Lisa and when I wake up in the morning, I think about writing...everything I look at throughout the day tells me a story...and before I go to sleep at night, I thank
God for this "gift".

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author avatar Retired
13th May 2013 (#)

You've obviously come a long way. Continue on your path, make peace with yourself, and continue to believe in God. He will help you make peace with your mother. I know this because I'm living proof. God bless you!

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author avatar LoriAnne
13th May 2013 (#)

Nicely expressed. Appreciate your honesty. Your keen awareness makes it possible to overcome and heal. Thanks for writing this.

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author avatar Stella Mitchell
13th May 2013 (#)

Lisa , you are well on the way , and the Lord will show you the right way and time for the reconciliation to take place . Commit your way to Him and He will direct your paths .
God bless and help you always .
Stella >I<

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
13th May 2013 (#)

Sorry about your family situation. When mine behaved funny, I told her its menopause and sent her to get checked and on HRT. She regained normalcy. None the less, Creation knows your worth and will show where you stand in reality...

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
13th May 2013 (#)

I chucked my husband out not in divorce but to live with his family and concubines for peace of mind. I am happy now...

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