The Tale of A Steve Jobs Rage Attack
A short story about Steve Jobs, his infamous rage, and a fictional theater showing the "Steve Jobs" film.
Going to see the "Steve Jobs" movie
Jonah stood in line to get his ticket to see Steve Jobs. He was curious what the movie would be like. It had gotten good reviews, but he still wasn't sure if it would be "his thing." Given that it was so close to Halloween, he would have preferred to see something scary instead. But he had already seen all the horror movies at the theater, so he settled for Steve Jobs.
Once he got through the theater door, he noticed a ticket taker nearby behind a stand. There was a small table with a sign on it. It read, "All bags will be inspected for security purposes." Jonah thought that was strange.
In front of Jonah a little old lady with a handbag was asked to open her bag so the ticket taker could have a look inside. She did as requested and asked why. He responded that he had to check for weapons, because there had been mass shootings at other theaters and this was just a precaution. Jonah thought this was the dumbest thing he had ever heard. Every single spree shooter since the time he was born was always a teenage boy or a man in his 20s. This was obviously missing the target demographic.
Just then, Jonah noticed a young man wearing a large coat walk right past him and the ticket stand. The ticket taker didn't notice because he was too busy searching a 90 year old woman's handbag. Jonah didn't speak up because he didn't want to be a tattle tale.
The young man suddenly stopped in the middle of the lobby and pulled an assault rifle from under his coat. Jonah watched in shock. Some other must have seen it too, because Jonah heard some people screaming. But then a miracle happened. Steve Jobs suddenly tore apart a patch of carpeting. He was literally crawling out of the floor and he let out a wild roar once he'd hauled himself out of the ground. The whole theater stared in shock, including the gunman. And then Steve started gagging. He grew about fifteen feet taller and barfed out a MacBook. It fell into the palms of his two massive hands.
He looked down at the puny young man with the gun and asked, "Have you written your manifesto yet?"
"Huh?" The young man responded.
"You can't go on a shooting until you write your manifesto. Don't you know the rules? Give me your gun and I'll hand you the MacBook. It's fully charged. Type up why you want to go on a spree killing and then post it all over social media."
"Oh. Yeah. That's right," the young man agreed. He traded his gun for the MacBook, sat down on the floor, and began typing away.
Steve then began berating the ticket taker for doing stupid searches that made zero sense. The manager came out and confronted Steve, but Steve wasn't having it. It was like watching the giant from "Jack and the Beanstalk" hollering, "Fee, fi, fo, fum!"
The cowed manager relented to Steve's angry diatribe. Steve brutally accused the manager of ruining the "Steve Jobs" movie by harassing people with his stupid search policy. While Steve continued to terrify the manager, the police showed up and arrested the would-be shooter. He had posted his murderous plan on Facebook, Twitter, and elsewhere. Multiple people called 911.
After the police had left with potential spree killer, Steve ordered the ticket taker away from the ticket stand. Once he was a safe distance away, Steve breathed fire on the ticket stand and announced that everyone could go see his movie for free. After he bellowed this, he looked directly at the manager, The manager took the hint and alerted the box office not to charge anyone to see the "Steve Jobs" movie.
I love Steve Jobs, Jonah thought to himself. That guy really knows how to get things done.