The Weakened Heart

Empress By Empress, 2nd Jul 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Columns & Opinions

Can the destruction of someone's mental and emotional well being truly kill a person? Can the effects of this destruction cause a weakened state of heart and mind? I know the answers....I have died and been reborn.

My Fragile Heart

How fragile is the human heart? What type of connection is there between the physical heart that keeps us alive and the emotional heart that keeps our soul alive? These are questions I'm asking today for a very good reason. Last night, after a massive, drawn out argument with my ex I fell into a deep blackout that had me rushed to the hospital. According to the doctor my heart stopped beating twice, with no physical answer as to why. Diagnosis at the end? Sever massive anxiety attack. All I remember is feeling like my heart was going to burst from my chest. I felt like I was falling and drowning at the same time. My life began to flash before my eyes and when I reopened them I was in the emergency room.
My doctor now warns me that my heart has been weakened. I have to avoid as much stress as possible in order to avoid the possibility that this may happen again. My physical heart is weak.....strange to hear. I'm physically fit, in shape and super healthy. I take great care of myself. So with this I have to wonder....How strong is the connection between our emotional being and our physical being? In my opinion, one cannot survive without the other, but I always assumed that if one was weak, the other gave of it's strength. Is it that my emotional heart was so weak that my physical heart gave too much of itself and broke down? Or is it that both my emotional and physical heart decided to quit?

New Sense of Life

It dawned on me this morning, my heart is literally broken. Years of physical, emotional and mental abuse not only scarred me but weakend my emotional heart which in turn nearly killed my physical heart. Nearly killed me.
This morning I awoke with a new sense of life. Of course, seeing your own life flash before your eyes will always do something to change your perspective on your path. But my path has not changed, merely become more clear. Too often, I'm not sure if the path I'm following is the right one or not. Seeing my past and present slowly move before my eyes like a silent movie helped place everything into a clearer light. I'm still headed in the right direction. One of my friends told me today "hey, you got a second chance at life!" I disagree. In order to have a second chance you must have made a mistake along the way. I don't believe I have made mistakes. In fact, if I were to believe I made mistakes, it would mean I would have to regret my life, and in doing so regret who I am, and what I have. Instead, I believe that I was not allowed to give up. I believe that my attack caused my physical and emotional being to try checking out, so to speak. And the greater good would not allow me to do it. Meaning, I have not fully served my purpose on this journey of life yet.

The Journey Nearly Killed Me

Not only can I not give up and leave my children without a mother, but I can not give up and leave the people I care about, old and new, behind. There is more to come for me. I have climbed the mountain of distress and pain without oxygen, I have stood at the pinnacle and lost my breath, and now I am heading back down the other side into bright, green, sunny, warm valleys below. What awaits me at the bottom is unknown....but truly exciting.
I know now, that I won't be able to handle another mountain like this one for a while. It has truly weakened me, body and soul. Now is the time when I must reach out and ask for a helping hand, someone to lean on, to support me while I journey back down the mountainside. And although I've been so terrified of this idea for so long, so frightened by the possibility of allowing someone near this fragile heart of mine, it's become obvious that keeping my heart safe in a cage has left it weaker and it nearly gave up on me.

I No Longer Fear Anything

I'm not afraid of death, or the end of my journey, but I know it is not my time. I now understand that I need to be able to accept help from others in order to keep me strong so I can continue to help. It's a circle of love. I can not afford to be afraid to open myself up anymore. No matter how afraid I am, I must reach out before my heart decides to fail on me yet again.
I know not who I can reach out to at this point. Perhaps they are already in my life, perhaps they are not. This part was not made clear to me. What was made clear; it is now my time to be helped. I can't continue to share my life and help others out at this point if there is no one to lend me some strength.

Good To Be Alive

So odd for me to grasp the idea that my heart, my soul, everything that is me....has been weakened by someone as weak as my ex. I suppose it shows that even the smallest drops of water can eventually break the stone if given the time.
Here I was so worried to allow myself to be loved, to be cared for. So concerned that I would destroy myself if not kept under control. And in the end it was he who nearly destroyed me, and it would never have happened had I allowed myself the help and caring to keep me strong. Now I need a hero, not to save me from evil, but hold me up and give me strength. I need a hero that can guide me, hold me, and help build my heart to it's former glory.
Amazing how fate, my stars have led me to this point. My heart, the only thing I held as my own, the only thing I knew was strong and resilient, literally weakened and nearly stopped me in my tracks. The one who helps people, loves people, builds people up has now been reduced to needing what she once gave of herself. This is an incredible twist in my story. An awesome turn of events. How much more can I learn through this? What new challenges will I befall, being reduced to my weakest state?
I'm truly excited to walk this new path in my journey. Truly curious to know who will step up and be my hero in this time of need. Who will remove the kryptonite from my nearly dead heart and reboost my faith and strength? In times like these it can be hard to see the forest for the trees. It can be hard to think that after something so nearly devastating you can move forward with entire faith in others and forgiveness for the one that nearly killed you. I have found the gold lining in my silver cloud. Before my heart grew weak it did not trust, it did not open, it did not warm to others touch. Now, in it's weakened state it must trust, open and warm otherwise it will stop beating for good.
My physical heart stopped beating twice last night in a massive anxiety attack. Doctors can only speculate that it was just stress that stopped it, and gave me anxiety meds to keep my stress level at a low. I believe my heart stopped because it ran out of strength. I believe my heart began again because the last bit of strength from my soul was given to keep me alive.
It is a gift that I am here today......

Tags

Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Wellbeing, Heart, Heart Of Life, Heart Risk, Soul, Stress, Stress Triggers Panic Attacks, Stressful Life

Meet the author

author avatar Empress
I write and have published poetry and was editor of the school newspaper all through highschool. I can write a variety of different genres from articles to novels

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Comments

author avatar Stella Mitchell
3rd Jul 2013 (#)

I pray that the Creator of the stars will heal you and bless you and protect you Sue , and give you His peace .
Many blessings
Stella ><

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