The Winter of My Cognitive Dissonance-Embracing the Angst...

Lisa Partee By Lisa Partee, 9th May 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Essays

The life I have lived to this point: thinking errors, skewed perceptions of myself and the world around me, beliefs if things that were no longer true...And the life I want: freedom, understanding, and all the places "around the corner."

The Winter of My Cognitive Dissonance-Embracing the Angst...




“If you are content with the old world, try to preserve it, it is very sick and cannot hold out much longer. But if you cannot bear to live in everlasting dissonance between your beliefs and your life, thinking one thing and doing another, get out of .”

~Tolstoy~



I’m so grateful. I really am. Once upon a time, I proclaimed (ignorantly), “I want to follow God around the corner…to the places I cannot see!” I can almost imagine God, upon hearing that proclamation, said, “Oh, really? Well, let’s just see…!”

Thus began a journey…but in order for me to be able to comprehend the just exactly what “following God around the corner” meant, any and all illusions I held about myself, my life, and the world around me, had to be shattered. I looked up one day, and it felt as if I was walking through the aftermath of a gigantic explosion. My life lay strewn about me as rubble. As I obsessively sifted through it, I would pick up shards and fragments and misshapen stones and hold them before God and ask, “Can I keep this?” More often than not, the answer was “No.”

I didn’t understand it at the time, but that centric blast was so crucial. In order for me to see, understand, and accept my complete and utter need for Restoration, it all had to go. I don’t know if anyone will be able to identify with me when I say that if one could get the chance to actually “see” the things in my life that I have had to let go of, I’m sure there would be claw marks and places that I had gnawed on in a vain attempt to keep it-convinced that I couldn’t live without it!

I wish I could say that I, of my own volition and intellect, looked at these “ruins” and conjured up a divine model to pattern my life after. But if I were able to do that, why would I even need a Power greater than myself; a Savior? No, I must be honest here and say that, for me, pain, was and is a wonderful motivator. No amount of rationalizing or justifying would allow me to be comfortable and content and languish in my “ruins.”

So, it was in the pain-the angst-of that dissonance that I learned to seek God’s will for my life. I now understand that He creates positive tension in our lives that will compel us to move forward…and ultimately “around the corner.”


Lisa P.

Tags

Addiction, Family, Freedom, God, Growth, Recovery, Restoration, Women

Meet the author

author avatar Lisa Partee
My name is Lisa and when I wake up in the morning, I think about writing...everything I look at throughout the day tells me a story...and before I go to sleep at night, I thank
God for this "gift".

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author avatar Stella Mitchell
10th May 2013 (#)

Excellent dear Lisa . The words ..When He has tested me , I shall come forth as pure gold ...come to mind and roll off the tongue so easily ....But .. I wonder if we would like to see the process before it takes place .. I think not . I am grateful that God is wise in His dealings with us by not letting us see round the corners .
God bless you
Stella ><

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