The artist in me

J.W.Bogart By J.W.Bogart, 21st May 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Short Stories

Slop it on painting with a bit of artistry thrown in

Artistic License

I was watching TV the other night and on the Discovery channel they had a show about the largest man made explosions in history. It reminded me of the time my father and I were painting our house. I was about 12. He started on one side and I started on the other. The plan was to meet in the middle.That afternoon he came around the corner of the house and found me standing there with a paint brush in one hand and the other hand held with thumb up looking at a half done portrait of Mad magazines eternal cover boy Alfred E. Neuman. Our views on how to paint a house differed in every aspect, from how fast it should be done to the technique used. He thought (out loud and quite explosively I might add) that I should have had the entire side of the house done "3 f--kin’ hours ago". I fully intended to paint the entire thing too. Right after I finished the portrait of Alfred E. Neuman. He was not a fan of the arts so I never finished the portrait.After things calmed a little I, using my dads technique took a roller and painted over the face of Alfred E.
On the other hand a few years later while working for a construction company. My boss must have been a fan of the arts. One day we built a new boom for the Caterpillar sideboom tractor and I was chosen to paint it while everyone else went home early. It was about 25 feet long. An A frame made of 8x8 I-beam. I painted it and all the ground within 5 feet of it in 15 minutes Caterpillar yellow and I went home early too.
I don't know why I was chosen to paint it unless maybe he had heard of some of my other works. Perhaps my collaboration with Michelangelo. Even though we were born in different centuries I touched up some off his work while vacationing in Europe. While walking with a tour group, I was able to sneak away and steal a ladder out of a janitor’s closet. I used the ladder to climb up and spray paint "F--k You" on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
As for my other artistic endeavors I had plans to carve a life size sculpture of an elephant out of marble. However it is very difficult to find a 12 ton chunk of marble. I did however write a tutorial on how to carve the sculpture . Step 1. Acquire a 12 ton chunk of marble. Step 2. Carve off everything that doesn't look like an elephant. And voila`you're done. Some imagination must be used of course. Some unimaginative sculptors have turned a 12 ton chunk of marble into a 12 ton pile of marble. This can be detrimental to the career of a fledgling artist. For students you might receive some strong encouragement from your art teacher to look into an auto mechanics tech school. For professionals, Lloyds of London may balk at insuring your next project but you may be able to find work in a gravel pit.

Tags

Art, Artist, Painter, Painting, Painting Techniques

Meet the author

author avatar J.W.Bogart
In my world bullshit and stark reality go hand in hand I've read anything I could find for 50 yrs. I write mostly short humor

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Comments

author avatar Nita Bogart Stewart
23rd May 2013 (#)

Thank You for sharing. I can just hear your Dad. LOL

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author avatar Bryan
8th Jun 2013 (#)

hahaha good one wade..put the story about the comal county blues...i loved that one and i think others would also..thanks wade..

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