The life and badassery of Karl Tanner of Gin "Fookin" Alley

Memba Ben By Memba Ben, 13th Jan 2016 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/3_n7qqxl/
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Humor

Folks, today we are going to pay tribute to a great (fictional) man who had a moment of badassery so gangsta, people would name their children after him,women would think about him when their lovers were within them, and songs would be written about him(in due time). If you have watched Game of Thrones, you would have heard of him. His name is Karl "Fookin Legend" Tanner, formerly of the Nights Watch and more famously, Gin "Fookin" Alley.

The life and badassery of Karl Tanner of Gin "Fookin" Alley

Good day folks and welcome to the Devils Advocate series with me as your host, the MelanKoliK AlKoholiK.

Now normally, this would be the part where I explain the subject matter which would be something serious, but today we are going to pay tribute to a great (fictional) man who had a moment of badassery so gangsta, people would name their children after him, women would think about him when their lovers were within them, and songs would be written about him(in due time). If you have watched Game of Thrones, you would have heard of him. His name is Karl "Fookin Legend" Tanner, formerly of the Nights Watch and more famously, Gin "Fookin" Alley.


Little is known about Karl's youth except that by the age of 9, he was already showing traits of the god he was destined to be. He found a profession doing "disposal services" for anyone who could afford his worthiness. But unfortunately, haters are gonna hate and as a result, Karl was caught and sent to the Wall to spend the rest of his life.

Once Karl settled into life at the Wall, he kept a relatively low profile. But as you know, greatness can't be hidden forever and destiny can't be avoided.
Karl worked his way through the ranks to the rank of ranger, which allowed him to meet with an individual called Rast (remember this individual, he will be a catalyst to Karl's greatness).

Karl and Rast were not particularly close but would come to share an ideology on a mission to Crasters Keep, a bullshit motel ran by an old man named Craster (keep him in mind as well, he had a huge role in the legend of Karl Tanner.
So they, along with other brothers of the Nights Watch stay at Crasters but begin to feel short-changed by Craster.

This cauldron of volatile emotions would come to a head on one evening when Craster was enjoying some fried chicken while the Nights Watch were burning a dude, who apparently smelt good. Once the cremation was over, the starving men went back into the tent to look at this old man enjoying some KFC or whatever fried chicken franchise was open at the time.

Craster began taunting the starving men which is not the brightest idea he would have considering that he is the ONLY DUDE IN A MOTEL FULL OF WOMEN (whom he sexes (read: rapes)) while the people he is taunting is a sausage fest committee.'This is similar to walking into shark infested waters whilst covered in blood.

All this while, Karl has been keeping his emotions in check but this is far too much for him to stomach. This old man was acting the alpha while Karl is around?!? That will be the day!

Now before get into the meat of the matter, understand that Karl was just Karl Tanner, not KARL FOOKIN LEGEND TANNER, the hungry I-don't -give -a-shit badass he became to be. However, the following exchange turned the former into the latter Karl Tanner.

Craster: "leave them if you've not the stomach for it and I'll sort them me self".
Karl (menacingly) :" whose throat are ya gonna cut, old man?"

That right there is balls to the wall gangsta. It was like in the Lion King where Simba challenges Mufasa except that this Simba didn't have such a feminine voice. No, Karl Tanner had a voice that could melt the heartstrings of ALL women due to its awesomeness. You need to see the clip to fully appreciate the badassery, especially considering everyone went quiet once he said this. It was a sense of "OOO SHIT,ITS ABOUT TO GO DOWN".

The exchange between Craster and Karl became more heated and involved other parties who both try to diffuse and instigate the situation until it reaches a boiling point where Craster seals both his and Lord Commanders' fate and at the same time secured Karl's legacy in the pantheon of gods. Until this point, Craster had been arguing with Rast (the bitch from earlier) and came to the conclusion to kick out all the men and threaten to cut off their hands if anyone called him a bastard.

To quote the scene
Craster:"I'll chop the hands of the next man who calls me bastard"

If that isn't a challenge, then I don't know what the hell is..

What made the next line so special was the fact that there was a long pause of hesitancy to call Craster a bastard (for the record, he was a bastard) before Mr Karl "Elephant Nuts" Tanner decided to let destiny take charge and call Craster on his hypocrisy.

Tanner took a deep breath, knowing this was HIS time to shine and boy oh boy did he steal the show with the following line (I BEG you to watch the clip just for the deep breath and the following line)...

Karl:"You are a bastard....A daughter fookin, wildling bastard..."

The equivalent of this amount of badassery would be to walk into a job interview naked, with your hands and your dick swinging in unison, showing a ridiculous amount of swagger while doing it.

If this was a schoolyard fight, Craster would be the one kid who drew the line in the sand and dared people to cross it and Karl would be the kid who crossed the line, pissed on his feet, kicked his ass, and taken his girl home for victorious sex (which is what he later did).

As you know, the rest is history (Karl killed Craster, Rast killed the lord commander, Jon Snow killed Karl using bullshit WWE tactics, and Rast got speared by a dog wolf) but the legend will live on.

Karl Tanner, you sir, are a badass, a true Fookin Legend…

Tags

Game Of Thrones, Karl Tanner

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author avatar Memba Ben
A fan's view on the business of football.

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