The mentality of the bully

spiritedStarred Page By spirited, 29th Jun 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Columns & Opinions

Bullying is an issue where these people want the limelight. They want you not to shine, they want to put you down and out. The solution in a real world for the bullied party is for them to try to help themselves by going to those who can help them.

This of course is sometimes hard for someone to do, especially when those they go to for help, do not help, but laugh at them then too, as which happened here to Alan.

An example of bullying

Alan always was a solitary type of a person.

He liked being alone and he liked doing his own things without any interference from other people. As might be expected then he loved his privacy. He valued it so much that if anyone invaded his privacy, in any way he was always upset and overly annoyed. Sometimes out of all proportions.

This mindset in some way seemed to set him up for being a victim of bullying.

Perhaps it had all started, even from his very birth.

Alan was meant to be born early in the opening days of October 1945, but he didn't arrive into the world, and he wasn't even kicking when he did, until late in October, October 29, 1945 to be precise.

A war baby then, he was born towards the end of the great war. His solitude had been interrupted by his being born. It seemed that he didn't want to be born. He wanted to stay safe where he was.

From that day onwards Alan was a loner, and he seemed to attract various incidents to himself that only entrenched and confirmed his deep need for solitude and privacy from all others.

When he was a young boy, he was enrolled into an old fashioned kindergarten nearby his home. Like most kindergartens that were mostly attached to the Churches back then, this too was the same set-up.

At this small kindergarten school, Alan had been locked up by another young boy in the outdoor shed right down at the back corner of the rear yard in the old Church grounds.

The boy who had done this had had his own problems, and he seemed to get satisfaction by causing trouble and annoying other students and the teachers on almost every day or so, more so if he could get away with it.

When Alan's mother came to pick him up later that afternoon, Alan was nowhere to be found.

The irresponsible teachers hadn't even known that he was missing.

A search of the church grounds was of course promptly made. Poor little Alan was found huddled up in the dark in the scary old wooden shed, and with the padlock firmly locked in place on its strong wooden door. This shed had no windows and an old dirt floor.

This was strike one in his psyche of fear for the world, and of being bullied by someone in it.

Bullying often takes place within families too.

A similar incident occurred in Alan's life just a couple of years later, when he was only six years old.

Alan had been playing on the gravel path at his parent's house when an Uncle had left his old Zephyr car in the drive while visiting his brother, Alan's father.

This Uncle was a bit of a hard-nose, and calling him a rough diamond would be a kind way of describing him, without saying that he was overweight, balding and used to discipline kids that weren't even his own, like Alan for instance, whenever he got the chance too.

He was a bully, in other words.

This Uncle it seemed wanted to be remembered for being tough, or maybe he just want to make his own style of impression on his brother's kids, who knows.

He too seemed to have some issues of his own that needed to be worked through at sometime or other, if possible, in his future.

Uncle Patrick, it seemed, didn't like Alan playing cricket on the path, so near to his old and so precious car.

As a result of this, he grabbed Alan bodily in his large meaty arms, and next he opened up the big old boot in his big old car, and finally then he tossed poor little Alan inside the boot, unceremoniously and unglamorously so. After this, he slammed the lid down shut just as hard as he could, with little Alan still trapped now inside.

Here poor Alan had to stay for a couple more hours, until his own Dad came outside.

His dad looked around for Alan, and he asked his brothers where he was. This had only really happened though, because he had really just come outside now in order to say goodbye to this Uncle, who was leaving now.

It was only then the nasty Uncle conveniently remembered that Alan was still stuck in the boot of his car, and so he then let him out at long last.

Poor Alan was again tremendously traumatised by this, but he managed again to suppress it, not wanting to cry in front of his Dad, and his Uncle. He wanted to be a big boy for them already.

Both men had split their ample sides laughing very loudly then, no-doubt thinking that it was all such a great joke, at the unfortunate Alan's expense.

They talked about the look on Alan's young face and his demeanour when they had let him out, and they just kept saying to Alan,

"You deserved it all, you little twerp." "Next time, respect your Uncle's car a little bit more," his father had added.

"Haw, haw, haw," they guffawed loudly away even more, and then even some more. So loud were they laughing, that the neighbour had come out too by now, and he too then joined in the laughter.

Alan just retreated more and more into his own private worlds. The damage had been done. His future life was ruined for him from this point forwards.

Even until this very day, Alan is too afraid to leave his own house, and he is now what we might call a recluse. He is sixty years old now. Now it is his own mind that bullies him so much, that he has not the strength to overcome it, or so it seems.

The bully's mindset

Bully's get their kicks from achieving such a degree of control over others, that this comes across to others, as showing or demonstrating to them, that they are superior types of people.

Often they others to notice them, by their pushing of others out of their own limelight, so to speak. They want to shine brightly by causing other lights to be dimmed.

Bullies, psychologically speaking, are afraid of life. They feel incompetent in a way, and inadequate to handle their own lives.

Anybody so threatened from within, will begin to threaten others from without. Their inner self is being reflected by their outer actions.

"Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke."

This quote is from Benjamin Disraeli, (1804 to 1881), a British politician.

Perhaps he said this because to most politicians smoke only gets in their eyes at times, so perhaps it is just a mild annoyance to them, but to the really bullied, smoke chokes them so much so, that often their own fire goes out.

Bullying can be handled by love, but you really need to be wise in loving to do so

Somebody who lives from only love can often get through to the bully by allowing the fear that is inside of them to come out from them as a reality, instead of it being blocked, and locked away, or diverted into being displayed within their bullying behaviour.

The way to do this involves loving them.

This is often very hard to do, and it is probably the very last thing that they would expect you to be doing. It is probably also one of the hardest things for you to do, also.

How do you ever love a bully?

You simply help them to be their real true selves, as it really does exist right underneath the masquerading falseness of their bully persona.

The way to help somebody to be their real self is for you to talk directly to this real self.

Never put down the bully side of them, or even criticise or judge them for their being like this exteriorly.

Simply give them the respect that you would give to anyone else. Ask them if they need any assistance in their own life.

Offering to help somebody that is hurting you often throws a large spanner into their thinking, and this can often result in an immediate turn around, because they often will then resort to being their true self, because the false self has been defused or derailed for a moment.

My approach here of course takes a certain amount of self esteem or self confidence in knowing exactly who you are yourself.

You know that you are not guilty of anything here, and that the bully is the one doing all of the potentially destructive work. The bully will often on the contrary here though, also try to make you feel his own inner feelings of inadequacy, or even of guilt. He will make you think that these are your feelings, and not his.

Why does bullying occur?

We might ask ourselves, why does bullying occur?

If there is a God that we believe in, why would he allow such violent behaviours, such as bullying to ever take place, within his World?


When we ask questions like these ones, and when we can get no satisfactory answers for the pain, and the suffering, and the violence that is in the world, we might end up getting depressed ourselves, or we might even start thinking in some way, that it is we that are being taught some type of a lesson from life, or even from God.

Are we the ones really responsible for drawing all of this to ourselves, are we really being taught lessons by God, or are we perhaps just being given a chance to resolve our own karma for instance, as they refer it to in Eastern terms?

We westerners more simply say, what comes around, goes around, or what we sow, we reap.

Freedom of personality allows for all types of personality to develop.

Each person is involved in the accepting and adopting of their own personality, and in a way this makes them solely responsible for their own behaviours. This happens at the soul level. It is a part of the way that your particular life and its forthcoming lessons are set up for you.

On the one hand, you are never to blame for another person's chosen path of actions though.

On the other hand though, it is true that all of these things still happen within the bigger picture, for certain reasons.

The bully gives us a chance to practice our own reflective stance of total acceptance of what is, but while never condoning it, or ever being like that ourselves.

If all was only a black and white world, all would be segregated into groups of good and bad, but the bully so often makes out that they are good, when in truth, they are being effectively, only bad.

The way to handle somebody else's bad choices when they affect you, is to simply point this out to them quietly, but firmly.

This is what being assertive is all about, and being assertive is being your real self, and not allowing yourself to be pushed, or held down, by any bully.

There is help out there for the likes of Alan, even now.

I believe that on balance, the world is still a pretty good place, and that most people would usually choose the good thing to do rather than the bad, in any given situation, that they might find themselves within.

Tags

Bully, Bullying, Love And The Bully, Mentality, Mentality Of The Bully

Meet the author

author avatar spirited
I have been interested in the spiritual fields for over thirty five years now. My writing is mostly in this area.

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Comments

author avatar Mark Gordon Brown
30th Jun 2014 (#)

Many bullies witnessed abuse in the family or were bullies who learned to bully so they are not attacked again

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author avatar spirited
30th Jun 2014 (#)

That's very true Mark, unfortunately, or maybe it was fortunately in a way, Alan here only just bullied himself after he was bullied.

He never bullied anyone else.

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author avatar Stella Mitchell
30th Jun 2014 (#)

Bullying is just another part of the sin nature, Spirited....and bullies are just self centred people who like to throw their weight around at the expense of others weaker than themselves until someone stronger comes along who stands up to them ...but , Jesus can help ALL who turn to Him , and He can free anyone from an abusive past if they seek His help ..I know that to be true ...
God bless you
Stella ><

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author avatar spirited
30th Jun 2014 (#)

yes, Jesus and any of his real followers would never bully anyone, I feel, thanks Stella

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author avatar C.D. Moore
1st Jul 2014 (#)

This reminds me of the course in miracles quote, " neither a victim nor a victimizer be. good advice on how to be neither, Spirited.

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author avatar spirited
1st Jul 2014 (#)

thanks C. D. Moore.

A course in miracles has some other good quotes in it too.

I like this one too...

"Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists."

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author avatar Phyl Campbell
2nd Jul 2014 (#)

Well done. Really well done.

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author avatar spirited
2nd Jul 2014 (#)

Thanks Phyl

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