Touche’

Utah Jay By Utah Jay, 2nd Jul 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>Humor

You know, those knocks on the door right when your in the middle of something, those knocks that start the dog to barking...

Touche’

Touche’

So there I was in my robe and a tee shirt that read, John Wayne American Hero, watching an old black and white western on my 42 inch high def flat screen TV that I sold a 1957 Topps Mickey Mantle baseball card to buy last fall just before football season, when all of a sudden there comes a loud knock on my front door. Hell, I thought he must have broken the damn thing. A flurry of scattering cats and loud dog barks combined with the scratching of my dogs nails slipping across the hardwood floor as she tries to get to the door first which scares the hell out of the last cat on my lap who jumps in fear for her life, scratching my slightly exposed beer belly and sending my full can of diet root beer splashing across the hard wood floor, but it’s okay because it all gets soaked up in new throw rug we just bought.
As soon as my knees regain their strength I twist my way up out of the Lazy Boy that is now laying on its side and stumble over our sprawled out coffee table, tripping on my now empty root beer can, I finally answer the door, all the while trying to get the damn dog to shut up and keep the cats in the house at the same time as they think the world is coming to an end, and there he was, a walking bill board tattooed from head to foot trying to sale me some more soap, soap that I would never be able to use in a life time of filth, except maybe to wash my mouth out with.
It was all I could do to keep the dog from eating the kid (I hadn’t feed her yet) and this kid had no clue at all as to how much danger he was in of becoming dog food, but I guess they lose all their fear when they get all that hardware stuck in their face, nose, both eyebrows, his lower lip, his tongue, which made a distinct clinking sound on his teeth every time he tried to pronounce an s, or a t and some big ass bottle cap looking things in his ear lobes.
After what seemed like two old West shoot outs on the dusty streets of my black and white western he finally got his sales pitch out and I told him that we were about as clean as we were going to get in this old house, as the last of the dust from all of the commotion was finally wafting out of the half open door. That’s when I complemented him on his choice of hardware and colorful tattoos asking if he thought he would ever get a real job. And that was just about the time that the ‘he’, I thought I was talking to, told me that ‘she’ was going to marry a real winner like me when she grows up. At that point all I could was back up a few steps, get her a cold root beer and we became fast friends watching what was left of Gene Autry in black and white on my 42 inch HD TV that I sold a 1957 Topps Mickey Mantel baseball card to buy, even Norda, the hungry dog got to like her, and that’s when I bought the soap.

Tags

Humor, Humor At Home, Humor Writing, Humorous Story

Meet the author

author avatar Utah Jay
I have been writing since the beginning of time it seems, not because I want to write, but because I have too. My favorite form of writing is poetry, all kinds and types of poetry.

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Comments

author avatar Steve Kinsman
3rd Jul 2014 (#)

Very cool story - you just gave me my laugh for the day. Thank you Utah Jay.

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author avatar cnwriter..carolina
3rd Jul 2014 (#)

ditto Steve....

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