Ultra Thin For Her Pleasure (Another Installment of _25 Reasons ..._)

Phyl CampbellStarred Page By Phyl Campbell, 20th Aug 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Writing>General Fiction

Do you enjoy family-oriented sitcoms? They're all pretty much the same: wacky situations made possible because men and women can not possibly be of the same species.
My collection, _25 Reasons Why Charlie Should Never Read Jane's Books to Jane_, is not a romance, but has romance. It's not a comedy, but people will laugh (and groan) as certain events hit a little too close to home. It is fiction, but everyone knows a "Charlie" and everyone knows a "Jane." That's why it works. Read and enjoy!

Ultra Thin For Her Pleasure (The Sixth Reason)

Charlie heard thinly veiled cursing coming from the bathroom. He checked the alarm clock--it was 3 AM. Either Jane was sick, or she was starting. Another hanky-panky-less week for Charlie. He frowned.

"Charlie?" Jane stage-whispered. "Charlie, are you awake?"

Charlie thought about trying to fake sleep, to pretend for just a while longer that everything was right in the dream world of Charlie. But he knew she'd just keep stage whispering louder and louder until he couldn't sleep through it anyway, and by then she'd be furious.

"I'm up. What do you need?" he asked helpfully.

"Charlie, when you went to the store last week, did you get my pads? I don't find any under here." Charlie could hear Jane rummaging around in the bathroom cabinet.

"Yeah, honey. They were out of your brand, so I got something different. They're in the shopping bag under the sink."

"They were out of my brand? Really? Did you ask someone?"

"No, I'm not going to ask someone about your stuff." Never in a million years, Charlie thought to himself.

Charlie heard a plastic bag rustling. Then he heard the bathroom cabinet door slam. More than once. He was aware that somehow he'd gotten the 3AM trivia portion of their evening wrong, but he was the kind of guy who got feminine products for his wife. It wasn't his fault she needed them.

He heard the toilet paper roll spin and spin, which was odd because Jane usually used wet wipes, especially during her period.

"If I want something done right, I guess I have to do it myself," Jane was muttering (none too quietly) to herself. Charlie heard underwear being pulled up and the toilet flush. He couldn't imagine what she meant. How was it his fault that the store was out of her favorite brand of feminine pads? That was not his fault. She could not find fault with him over that. Except that he knew Jane usually could. He just didn't know how.

Jane stormed out of the bathroom wearing her t-shirt and a pair of panties that looked oddly stuffed.

"Is that the pad I bought?" Charlie was shocked. It said "ultra thin for her pleasure" on the box. What Jane had on certainly wasn't ultra thin, and it didn't look like she was experiencing pleasure, either.

"No." Jane drew out the word like it had three syllables. All of them hated men in general and Charlie specifically.

"What's wrong with them?" Charlie knew he shouldn't ask, but the train wreck was leaving the station, and he still hadn't figured out a safe way to jump clear of the tracks.

Jane waddled over past the bed and to the closet. The harsh closet light hurt his eyes when she flicked it on. When she wasn't mad, she tried to shut the door behind her to reduce the light while he was sleeping. She made no such effort now.

"You looked all over for my brand, right?" Jane said in a way that sounded more like an accusation than anything else.

"Of course I did. Jane, what do you take me for?"

Jane didn't answer. Charlie could hear her struggling with a pair of sweatpants, which he also couldn't quite figure out. It was too damn early for these guessing games.

Jane emerged from the closet in sweatpants, a different t-shirt, and a half zipped hoodie. She had a pair of socks in her hand.

"What's that get-up for?" Again, Charlie knew it was the wrong question. Again, he couldn't stop himself from asking it.

"I have to go to the store. Since someone didn't tell me the store was out when he went, but surely if they were out then, they will have had a chance to restock, and won't be out now."

Charlie quickly got out of bed. "I'll go, Jane. You're right. They'll have re-stocked." He still didn't know why the brand was so darn important, but he was not one to miss a moment of gallantry.

"No, thank you." Jane said haughtily. She walked back to the bathroom, got the bag, and tossed it to Charlie. "You bought me condoms. Two boxes of condoms. If I sent you out now, I'd probably get pregnancy tests. I'd rather go myself."

Charlie's jaw dropped open. How could this have happened? Why couldn't they put pictures on the box or something? He had spent many long, well, minutes trying to find her brand unsuccessfully.

He looked inside the bag. Tiny words like "contraception" and "ribbed" stared back at him accusingly. Why hadn't he noticed them before? Why couldn't they package condoms and pads together -- like the pill prescription with the week of placebos?

Charlie sat back down on the bed, hard. He held the evidence of his guilt in his hands.
Why was it so difficult to get women what they wanted? How was he going to return these to the store? No way. He'd look like a total loser. Who buys two boxes of condoms at a time? Who returns them?

It was too damn early. As the garage door lifted, and he heard Jane's car pull out and onto the road, Charlie laid back down and tried to think of something pleasant. It took him a while to get back to sleep.

Did You Miss a Reason? Start with the First Reason!

The First Reason

"'Even before she could scream out in ecstasy, he plunged into her and touched his fangs to the throbbing pulse of her throat. She said...'"
"What? What did she say" Jane cried, bordering on ecstasy herself.
"Wait a minute." Charlie said. "I've got to blow my nose."
"Ewww gross." Jane complained. "Now? You have to do that now?"
"You don't want my snot on the pages of your bodice ripper, do ya?" Charlie blew his nose rather loudly into the handkerchief he kept on the nightstand, next to a pile of fingernail clippings and several empty soda cans.
"Argh! Never mind!" Jane rolled over, silk teddy fully obscured by the plum comforter. If he hadn't suspected that sex was no longer on the table, he better take the hint -- quickly.
And this is the first reason why Charlie should never read Jane's books to Jane.

The Second Reason

“Honey,” Charlie called from the bedroom. “I could really use your help in here.”
“I can help Dad.” Seth said.
“No, son!” Charlie barked. “I mean, no – I really need your mother.”
“Mom!” Seth yelled down the stairs. “Dad got his junk stuck in his zipper again!”
Charlie would have cheerfully strangled his only son, but that would mean leaving the safety of the bedroom, which he was ill-prepared to do at the moment.
A frazzled Jane appeared at the bottom of the stairs, one hand over the mouthpiece of the phone. “What? We need to leave here in 15 minutes. Are you about ready?”
“Dad needs you. And all I need is my shoes…”
“Well, find them and put them on your feet, we’ve got to go if we’re going to swing by the bank before we meet the Paisleys for dinner. Are you seriously wearing that?”
Jane spoke into phone. “Hey, sweetie, let me call you back tomorrow… I know, I know. Never a dull moment around here, either. Love you, too.” She hit “end” on the cell phone as she climbed up the stairs. “You know, I think those stairs must have a Jacob’s Ladder in there or something. It always seems like there are more of them anytime I – Charlie, what the hell are you wearing?”
Continue Reading...

The Third Reason

Charlie worked very hard at his job. Even so, he often brought work home with him. He tried to be courteous and work in the bedroom so that (his wife) Jane and (their son) Seth could watch prime-time TV undisturbed. However, Jane would try to “visit” Charlie during commercials, and on Tuesday, happened to find a rather racy parade on Charlie’s computer while he was in the shower.
Honestly, Jane had no idea her bed hosted so many scantily clad women. Charlie did take very short showers, but why leave this on for Jane to find? Was he hinting to her? And how did Jane feel about it? On the one hand, what audacity Charlie had not to just come out and say what he wanted! On the other hand, perhaps he never meant for Jane to see, knowing that such a request would be met with the Evil Eye, and these harmless women scampering across the screen were just harmless images on a man’s computer.
Anyone thinking that Jane would accept the latter rationale simply does not understand Jane.
I want to read MORE!

The Fourth Reason

“Ugh!” Jane typed angrily at her laptop, alternating between furious typing and sitting back, scowling, while her eyes scanned the page.
“What’s the matter?”
“Oh – these stupid morons! They still haven’t figured out that the world should not be responsible for zipping their pants for them.” Jane returned to furious typing.
“Are you stirring the pot again, sweetheart?” Charlie grinned.
“Well, they just get so stuck on themselves.”
“Who does?” Charlie asked -- though he already knew. He liked it when she was riled up.
“These damn politicos! No contraception, no abortion, no gay marriage.”
“No lives. No fun. Stupid pricks," Charlie agreed.
“And these stupid people who think everything that comes out of their mouth is God’s own truth when they KNOW better. They should know better! This guy should know better!” Jane sat back, waiting for her comment to post and reading other responses. “’Women should stay home and raise babies.’” She quoted the poster. “Is he a moron or an idiot?”
“Are they mutually exclusive?” Charlie asked aloud. But Jane wasn’t paying attention.
“As if.” She replied aloud to the words on the screen.” Where would the senator’s whore come from if women didn’t enter the workplace?”
More, More, More!!

The Fifth Reason

"It says, 'He looked deep into her amber eyes and said "I want to watch you when I do this to you.""" Charlie quoted.
"That doesn't mean we have to," Jane said.
"Hey, this was your idea. I just think if we're doing it, we should do it right."
Charlie shifted his weight, which caused Jane first to groan, then to yelp.
"Hey -- watch those knees! I can't get out of your way when you're on top of me."
"This would be a whole lot easier if we were younger."
"No kidding."
"And in better shape."
"Ugh! Don't remind me."
"Hey -- at least you get time to work out."
"You didn't birth a baby."
"When is that excuse going to get old?"
"When it stops being true -- hey -- watch it!"
"I can't help it. I'm old and decrepit."
Jane tried to shove Charlie into a position that would cause her less pain.
"No, no, no!" Charlie insisted. "I web-searched this. You're supposed to have one leg up and then --"
"Ow! Charlie -- my leg does not go that way naturally! Charlie! Stop it!"
Click HERE to finish


25 Reasons, Charlie, Condoms, Jane, Men, Menstrual Period, Menstruation, Pads, Period, Relationship Issues, Relationship Problems, Relatoinships, Sex, Women, Women Sex Life, Women Versus Men, Womens Health, Womens Issues

Meet the author

author avatar Phyl Campbell
I am "Author, Mother, Dreamer." I am also teacher, friend, Dr. Pepper addict, night-owl. Visit my website -- phylcampbell.com -- or the "Phyl Campbell Author Page" on Facebook.

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author avatar cnwriter..carolina
20th Aug 2013 (#)


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author avatar Phyl Campbell
20th Aug 2013 (#)

Thanks, Carolina! And thanks, Peter -- especially for the quick-turn around once I caught my mistake!

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author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
21st Aug 2013 (#)

Never a dull moment in this vibrant post, Phyl. I can relate to this any day, anywhere! siva

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author avatar Phyl Campbell
21st Aug 2013 (#)

Thanks, Siva!!

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author avatar Retired
22nd Aug 2013 (#)

Very interesting ..

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author avatar Phyl Campbell
23rd Aug 2013 (#)

Thank you, Maslacak!

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